The moment after.

You know that point in your life when you think everything is perfect? It seems that nothing could go wrong? Well, I don't want to talk about that point, I want to talk about the next second right after that fabulous moment. The point when all the worries start flooding in, the point when you keep telling yourself that things are too good to be true, that this couldn't be happening to you. That has to be the most depressing part of any moment. That moment right after. Like you go to the store and buy the cute pair of kitten heels that will go perfectly with the outfit you got for your birthday and right when you walk out the door you think that that $60 could have gone to something else, like the church or starving kids in Africa. It's a horrible time in anyone's life, thinking that what you've done isn't right or thinking that it's all going to end sometime; probably soon. 

I had a great weekend. But nothing's perfect. It all has to end. You have to slide down from cloud 9 some time, holding onto it with every bit of your strength. 

I've been thinking about the people I look up to lately, searching for any help in what I want to do with my life. For starters, I look up to my mom. She's a wonderful lady, loves every one that she knows unconditionally and rarely ever falters when making a decision. I respect her with everything that I have, I'm just not quite the same as her. Not as strong and level headed. On the other hand I look up to my dad. He's always there for me whether it be to haul my car four hours back home or to let me cry on his shoulder when the latest boy has done me wrong. But I can't handle things the way he does, we may be more similar than my mom and me, but he is also much stronger than I am. I suppose all that may come with time, but just a little of it now would be nice. Then I have my fictional characters that I look up to. The ones that I want to play in a movie. The ones that I wish I could be just like. Scarlet O'Hara. I find myself more and more like her every day. She's conceited. She's over dramatic. She's beautiful. She's stubborn. I'm all those things. But if she were in any of my tough situations she wouldn't handle them the way I do. Even though I see so much of me in her character, she still is more of a feminist than I will ever be. My newly found role model is Carrie from Sex and the City. Like her, I have a Mr. Big. (I'm pretty sure I've gotten over my Big, but there comes times when I'm not so sure.) I also like to keep a journal on the computer, I use blogger though. She's been in and out of relationships. She also has a job that I've always admired. I think that I want to be something like her when I grow up. 

I think. 

I just don't know anymore. I just don't. I don't know how to confront people when I need to talk the them about things. I don't know how to make decisions. I'm too scared about what people will say, what will happen, what won't happen. 

I thought I was getting better at this thing called life, but I actually think that I'm hitting that moment after.