untitled rant blog.

Why do I keep my emotions bottled up inside me until I burst? Why can' I just let out a healthy amount of anger each day to save myself from having a mental breakdown? I know this isn't good for me, but I can't change the way I am. Whenever something happens that irritates me it just throws a few more logs on the fire that is burning inside of me. Then all of a sudden the fire will start spreading, burning everything and everyone down in its path. I throw things. I cry at random moments. I scream at pets and inanimate objects. (Today it was the dogs and my sunglasses.) I start showing my friends the cold shoulder. I never really scream at anyone. I never actually let people know that they anger me. I just let the fire build and build and build until I can slowly let it out through small spurts of evil acts. How do you let people know how they're making you feel? I've always thought it was better to just keep my feelings to myself and keep a smile on my face. If that's the right way to go about it, there's something wrong in the world because I don't like the way it makes me feel. I feel like an idiot that can't get anything right. I feel like the friend that none of my friends want to be around. They all tell me that they love me and they want to spend time with me, but if that's true then why do I feel this way? I thought I would try to write an anger blog saying all the things that have been upsetting me, but that couldn't do any good. Once things are down on "paper" they can be read and I don't want someone to happen upon something I wrote out of anger that could start a bigger fight in the future. I think this all boils down to me being a people pleaser. I'm so worried about what everyone else thinks about me and how everyone else feels that I don't take the time to deal with the problems that really need to be worked on. I'm just so fed up with everyone treating me like I'm a carpet they can just stomp all over. Maybe one of these days I will learn how to stand up for myself. Maybe.

As college comes to an end

I entered college in the fall of 2007. As a freshman I thought I had the whole world ahead of me and I was ready to chase all the rainbows and kiss every frog. It's now the spring of 2012 and in these 5 years I've learned that most of the rainbows are illusions and all of the frogs are toads. I've also learned that your friends will change faster than the Texas weather and that alcohol isn't always the answer. I've done a ton of things I said I would never do and haven't done even more things that I promised myself I would. I haven't studied as much as I could and I've failed more tests than I care to mention. I've hurt people's feelings. I've broken people's hearts. I've made someone's day. I've spent too much money. I've stayed up too late.
If you would have asked me when I was a High School senior where I would be in 5 years I definitely wouldn't have placed me here at all.
I know that I am young. I know that I have a long road ahead of me. I have many years to accomplish all of my hopes and dreams, but when will the accomplishments begin?
I read a quote today that said, "I feel too deeply and want too much." I can't think of a better way to describe me.
No one quite understands what I want in life, the least of all me. I blame that on the fact that I want more than it is humanly possible to achieve in one lifetime.
So as college comes to an end I reflect back on my time here at college and I'm thankful for the good times I've had, a little weary about stepping into the real world and only slightly confident that I will live the life I want to live.

My Memaw

My Memaw's memorial service was today and I stood up and read this. I thought that I would share it with the people that weren't able to make it to the service. Maybe if you didn't know my Memaw, this will give you a little insight to how great she was.


I’ve always considered myself a very lucky girl. Some people never get to know their grandparents. I’ve been lucky enough to live these 22 years of my life with six loving grandparents. I was Memaw’s first grandchild and even though I know she loved all 7 of us just as much as the other, I always thought we had a special bond. I owe a lot of myself to my Memaw. I not only got my long, slender fingers from her, but also my thin, impossible to hold a curl hair. She and I found a way around that curse though: a perm. I remember the first time she permed my hair. I thought my eyes were going to burn up due to the horrendous smell and chemicals floating around in the dining room. I was so happy with my bouncy locks that I let her do it a second time a few years later. Looking back now I’m not sure if it’s the curly hair I wanted, or just more one on one time with her.



I also got my love of a few things from Memaw: Elvis, Conway Twitty, Matthew McConaughey, and my papaw, Curtis Smith. I guess by a few things, I meant a few men.



One of my first crushes developed watching Nick at Nite every time I stayed the night at Memaw and Papaw’s house. Memaw and I would watch “Cheers” reruns and I thought Ted Danson was very cute and I always wanted to go somewhere were everyone knew my name and find my own Sam Malone. That’s another thing I can credit to Memaw, I can’t go to sleep without watching TV first.



I know Memaw hasn’t painted much in a very long time, but her artwork is still scattered all over my parents' house. When Christmas rolls around every year I hang up a painting of a little redheaded girl and Santa Claus that she painted my first Christmas. I’m very sad that I didn’t get any excellent painting skills from her, hopefully she passed them down to one of the grandchildren.



When I was in 8th grade I wrote a paper for a contest and won a scholarship for it. It was called “Is Freedom Really Free?”. If anyone has been in my Memaw’s kitchen they’ve seen this paper. When I had her read it for the first time she loved it so much that she asked me to sign it so she could hang it for the world to see. I don’t know if I was happier that I’d won a scholarship from the VFW or because my Memaw was so proud of my work.



Speaking of Memaw’s kitchen. She was one of the best cooks in the world. I know we all have our favorite dishes, but the one I’m going to miss the most is her enchiladas. Every year for my birthday Memaw would slave away to make this perfect dish. That was a great thing about Memaw, she always let us choose our birthday dishes. This year for my 22nd birthday she told me that she was sorry, but she just wasn’t going to do it. I was sad, but I didn’t want to pressure her into it, I knew how long it took and I should just be happy that she was cooking me anything at all. When I walked into the kitchen the day of my birthday lunch there they were. Pans and pans of cheese, beef, and, my favorite, chicken enchiladas, a big bowl of guacamole, and homemade tortilla chips. I didn’t tell Memaw then, and I hate to rat my mom out now, but Mom had told me the day before that Memaw was making the enchiladas. She was going over to help Memaw prepare everything and let it slip why she was going over there. I acted surprised nonetheless and everything was wonderful. I have the recipe for her enchiladas, but I know they will never be the same.



One of my brother’s favorite memories also involves the kitchen. But it was Memaw teaching him how to cook Spam. If I’m being honest, that was one of my favorite things she would make us too. No one can fry a piece of Spam like Memaw can. Another one of Trevor’s favorite things about Memaw was how kind she was. For example anytime that he and Christian would stay over they’d ask her after Papaw went to sleep if they could build a fort. She would always let them and would even deliver their drinks and snacks to their fort.



Every time I've walked into the kitchen the past few days I've expected to see her standing at the kitchen sink or my the stove. When I pull out my cell phone at the kitchen table I hear her tell me to put it away. And I know when Christmas comes around I'm going to be looking for her everywhere I turn. My Memaw was an amazing grandmother and friend. I will miss everything about her and I know that everyone else here will too.

One-eyed hobo

Have you ever wanted to impress someone so much that you don’t think it will ever be possible? It’s rather infuriating. The person just seems so out of reach, so out of your league, that you don’t think there’s anything you could ever do to make them go, “Wow. I want to spend more time with you”.
I think I’m a pretty interesting person, but I feel like I have a hard time conveying that to others. Most people probably see me as pretty shallow, but I have more to me. (I promise I do!) So why can’t I express all the other sides of Jordan Lea Smith to the people who seem exceptionally better than me?
I try to tell myself that these other people don’t have anything over me, that they’re just normal human beings like me, but it never fails that they will do or say something that makes me feel like an illiterate, one-eyed, hobo from a third world country. (I know that may be pushing it, but you get my point.)
So I have two options here: I can either, A) find ways to grow and better myself as an individual each and every day and hope to one day be successful and cultured enough to impress the person that I want to impress or B) try to accept me for who I am and stop trying to impress other people because in the end, people should accept me for who I am as well.
Or maybe even a combination of the two.

Falling

I feel like I’m falling. Falling into the black abyss with no knowledge of when I’m going to land. Or what I’m going to land on. I may keep on falling forever. For all of eternity.

Why isn’t there anyone catching me? Where is everyone?

Last time I was on solid ground there were millions of people around. Now as I fall down this hole no arms are reaching for me.

I feel like I’m falling.
Head over heels.
Heels over head.
Spinning and turning.
Swirling and spiraling.

Quick rant.

Why do I let people take advantage of me? Do I have a sign over my head that says "Hey everyone! Walk all over me! I love it!"? If so I need to figure out how to take it down because I really don't enjoy it. I do love being a nice person and I do love doing things for other people, but there is a point where enough is enough. Just once I'd like other people to do things for me. To think of me before themselves.
I always thought that you were supposed to treat people the way that you want to be treated. I don't know what is wrong with 95% of the population, but I wouldn't want to be treated the way they treat others. Oh wait, I already am treated that way. So why do I have to keep being the bigger person? Well, that's because I was raised better than that and would rather see myself hurt in order to help someone else.
Maybe I just need to grow a backbone.

What I like about you...er...me

5 things I like about myself

1- My sense of fashion. I like to think that I know what I'm talking about when it comes to fashion. :)

2- The love I have for my friends and family. I don't think too many people love like I do. This can be a good thing and a bad thing though.

3- My ability to forgive people. I don't forgive everyone, ok I just don't forgive a few people, but I very easily forgive people. Just apologize and I don't see why you don't deserve a second chance.

4- My movie collection. It's pretty great.

5- My hair. Even though it's not as long as I'd like it to be right now, and it rarely ever does what I want it to, I get a lot of compliments on it, so that's cool.

:)

This was hard. I think I realized I don't like too dang much about myself.