untitled rant blog.

Why do I keep my emotions bottled up inside me until I burst? Why can' I just let out a healthy amount of anger each day to save myself from having a mental breakdown? I know this isn't good for me, but I can't change the way I am. Whenever something happens that irritates me it just throws a few more logs on the fire that is burning inside of me. Then all of a sudden the fire will start spreading, burning everything and everyone down in its path. I throw things. I cry at random moments. I scream at pets and inanimate objects. (Today it was the dogs and my sunglasses.) I start showing my friends the cold shoulder. I never really scream at anyone. I never actually let people know that they anger me. I just let the fire build and build and build until I can slowly let it out through small spurts of evil acts. How do you let people know how they're making you feel? I've always thought it was better to just keep my feelings to myself and keep a smile on my face. If that's the right way to go about it, there's something wrong in the world because I don't like the way it makes me feel. I feel like an idiot that can't get anything right. I feel like the friend that none of my friends want to be around. They all tell me that they love me and they want to spend time with me, but if that's true then why do I feel this way? I thought I would try to write an anger blog saying all the things that have been upsetting me, but that couldn't do any good. Once things are down on "paper" they can be read and I don't want someone to happen upon something I wrote out of anger that could start a bigger fight in the future. I think this all boils down to me being a people pleaser. I'm so worried about what everyone else thinks about me and how everyone else feels that I don't take the time to deal with the problems that really need to be worked on. I'm just so fed up with everyone treating me like I'm a carpet they can just stomp all over. Maybe one of these days I will learn how to stand up for myself. Maybe.

As college comes to an end

I entered college in the fall of 2007. As a freshman I thought I had the whole world ahead of me and I was ready to chase all the rainbows and kiss every frog. It's now the spring of 2012 and in these 5 years I've learned that most of the rainbows are illusions and all of the frogs are toads. I've also learned that your friends will change faster than the Texas weather and that alcohol isn't always the answer. I've done a ton of things I said I would never do and haven't done even more things that I promised myself I would. I haven't studied as much as I could and I've failed more tests than I care to mention. I've hurt people's feelings. I've broken people's hearts. I've made someone's day. I've spent too much money. I've stayed up too late.
If you would have asked me when I was a High School senior where I would be in 5 years I definitely wouldn't have placed me here at all.
I know that I am young. I know that I have a long road ahead of me. I have many years to accomplish all of my hopes and dreams, but when will the accomplishments begin?
I read a quote today that said, "I feel too deeply and want too much." I can't think of a better way to describe me.
No one quite understands what I want in life, the least of all me. I blame that on the fact that I want more than it is humanly possible to achieve in one lifetime.
So as college comes to an end I reflect back on my time here at college and I'm thankful for the good times I've had, a little weary about stepping into the real world and only slightly confident that I will live the life I want to live.