Too many dreams were broken

I think my life is holding me back. 

I have dreams bigger than Texas. 

Yet here I am, trying to make it in this world. 

I dream of being able to dance like this:

I dream of being able to sing like this:

I dream of being able to act like this:

I dream of looking like this:

I dream of being an amazing mother of four. 

I dream of wearing Manolo Blahniks while walking down 5th Avenue.

I dream of winning the Best Actress award at the Oscars. 

I dream of having super powers. 

I'm afraid that I'm letting everyone down by not dancing like that, not singing like that, not acting like that, not looking like that. 

I'm afraid that everyone had an idea of how I was going to end up. 

And I'm not heading that way. 

I feel that I don't have my head on my shoulders. 

I feel that everything isn't right. 

I feel that there's more that I could do, but I just can't do it. 

I try to live up to everyone's expectations. 

I feel that I fail. 

I'm not saying that I don't love my life...

I'm saying that I would love my life more if it was working out like I'd planned. 

I'd always thought by now I would be engaged, preparing to be married.

Even though Kevin and I have discussed marriage, I don't think I'm any closer to it than if I was single. 

I never thought I would be a waitress. 

I don't really like it. 

Customers look at me like I'm insignificant in the world. 

Like I'm not special to anyone. 

Like my only purpose in life is to make sure their fajitas are on their table and their tea is full. 

I'd always thought I would do great in school. 

School chews me up and eats me for dinner. 

I'd always thought I would be in Hollywood by now.

But, alas...here I am...sitting in the Baker Pattillo Student Center at Stephen F. Austin State University in Nacogdoches, Texas.

Far away from my dreams. 

Traveling With Cats

Kevin and I went home this weekend. 

Sounds great, right?

Well it was...

other than the fact that we took Dutchess Rosalie and Random home with us. 

First problem happened on the way there. Dutchess decided that she didn't like being in her cage so she "relieved" herself. Let's just say that it wasn't a very pleasant smell so we had to stop in Diboll and clean her up. Luckily we had lots of napkins and a bottle of water in the car we I just threw water on her and cleaned up the mess. 

We were going to let her out of the cage to move around but since she was a bad kitty we decided to let Random out and make Dutchess stay in the entire time.

The second problem happened on the way back to Nac. We tried to let Dutchess ride without sitting in her cage because we knew she didn't like it. The first 30 minutes went really well, but then we realized there was something on her face. When we pulled over I noticed that she had "tossed her cookies" in the backseat. Kevin went into Buc-ees to get napkins to clean it up. It wasn't as hard of a mess to clean up because it wasn't all over the place. 

Since she was a bad kitty again, we put her in the cage and let Random out. Random started to get annoying so I decided it was time to put her away for the rest of the ride. After a bit we began to smell something. That's when the third problem was realized. Random had made a boo-boo in her cage. 

All would be fine if not fifteen minutes away from Nac I felt a soft back on my elbow. Random had ripped through her brand new cloth cage. 

After those four problems I have vowed that I will never EVER take my cats on a log trip without the proper drugs again. 

I want to live.

I read Marie's latest blog and it made me want to get out and see the world. 

I'm tired of being cramped here in Texas. Sounds funny considering this is the second biggest state...but still...gosh!

The whole world is out there...and it wants me! I want it!

I'm going to graduate from college...earn some money...and see it all. 

Paris. 

Australia. 

Paris. 

Norway. 

Paris. 

England. 

Paris. 

New York again. 

Paris. 

Canada. 

Paris. 

It's going to be amazing. It's going to make what I'm used to look like a little crumb of bread. And that doesn't look too great. :)

ANYWAY...

Ok day. One of THOSE days. You know...where you don't think you're going to get everything done...but it all works out in the end despite all the suffering you went through.

Yeah...one of THOSE days. 

Made like 46 bucks in tips tonight...so yay! 

Found out that Michael Johns will be releasing a single soon and his album will come out in May...so yay!

Of course I've missed the last two episodes of American Idol because of work...so boo!

And I missed LOST tonight...so boo! and yay! lol

I'm going to miss Grey's and Private Practice tomorrow because of work...but I think mom is recording them for me so I can see them when I go home on Friday...so yay!!!!!

OHHHHHH and...Kevin and I got a new kitty yesterday. We picked her up from the animal shelter. She is a siamese cat and her name is Random. I let Kevin pick out the name because it was a girl. I would have gotten to name it if it was a boy. I guess I'll just save Jasper for the next animal we get. (A puppy. :) )

 Kevin and I are going home on Friday for the first time this semester! It's been toooooo long...I'm so ready to get there. And let Random meet Thomas O'Malley and Toulouse. She'll be my first cat in a while that I didn't name after The Aristocats. I figured I shouldn't name her Marie though considering that's my best friend's name. Might be just a little weird. Since that was the only cat's name left from the movie, I decided against it. 

Also on Friday is mine and Kevin's 6 month anniversary. It seems like we've been together soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much longer than that...but nope. Just 6 months. He's taking me to Outback Steakhouse on the way home. So excited! (Marie, I hope I got the song stuck back in your head now.)

Well...I'm going to hit the sack...long day ahead of me!

I always screw up.

Well I haven't blogged in a few days. Here's an update on my life.

I'm working at El Chico in Lufkin now. I didn't think I'd like working but it's really not that bad. I like making tips every night. The people are pretty nice. I mean, they have their problems, but for the most part they're easy to get along with. Last night I made $56 dollars in tips after working 2 and a half hours and then today I worked all day and make over $100. Made me pretty happy. Even though I worked all Valentine's Day.

Speaking of Valentine's Day...I got Kevin Saw V, a thing of skittles, and a card. He says he ordered me something and supposed to be coming in the mail. But it's not here yet. So he didn't get me anything for the actual day. And while I was at work from 9 hours he didn't do anything. At all. Needless to say...I'm not very happy about that whole ordeal.

I took my first two tests of the semester on Thursday and Friday. I feel pretty confident about the one on Friday, Sociology. I'm not so sure about the one on Thursday, History. History kicks my butt...it always has. I have no idea how to get it in check. I try and try and try. And study. It and I just don't click.

Marie and I got "friendship streaks" in our hair on Thursday. We found a place in town that does hair extensions so we got them to give us both a purple one in our hair. They are pretty rad and we look amazing with them! After that we went to see "He's Just Not That Into You", which was an amazing movie. I would highly recommend it to anyone and everyone. Of course when you go make sure you don't sit behind a big group of 30-something year old women that talk the entire time. They're out there. And they'll ruin your movie experience.

I guess that's it for now. I've been at work all day and I can't even think of anything creative to say.

I need a smoke...if only I smoked.

Fish swim.
Birds fly.
Lovers leave by and by.
Old men sit and think.

I worry and stress.

About everything.

EVERYTHING.

I wish I didn't care about things so much. It seems the people that have an "I don't care" attitude really have it better. They don't have to sit and think about things that may go wrong. Things that probably could never ever go wrong.
I bring this up because here we are again...nearing Valentine's Day. This is a bad holiday. I can't think of a better word other than "bad". The people that aren't in relationships have to spend the time from December 26th to February 14th hearing and seeing things about love. Everything about love. How love is amazing. The people that ARE in relationships get all the stress though. What gift to give their loved one. I'm totally confused by this holiday. (Why it's an actual holiday I'll get into later). Is it a holiday where you get a big, expensive gift for your sweetie? Or just a holiday that you give a card that sings? I may never know the answer to this conundrum, but this dang holiday will always haunt my thoughts.
I shouldn't be worried about one single day in the year. I have many other things to be thinking about.
My new job.
My history test.
My sociology test.
My ever increasing weight.
My bank account.
My rocky relationship.
That's just to name a few.
There aren't enough minutes in the day to cover all of my thinking and worrying...that turns into uncontrollable stress.

Grammy Blues.

I think the only thing right about the Grammys last night was Taylor Swift. She was beautiful like always. And even though Miley wasn't wonderful in their duet or Taylor's song "Fifteen"...it rocked more than the rest of the performances.
(I can't judge Kenny's performance because I was not in front of the TV at that moment.)
I would have loved Carrie Underwood's performance if the sound would have been right. You would think that with all the hype of the Grammys they could at least have the sound working properly. You could tell that she was giving it all, you just couldn't hear her. Even though her outfit was a little different, it matched her mic...so that was amazing to me. :)
I first have a bone to pick with whoever dresses Coldplay. Now, I'm not a huge fan of this group or their type of music, so I can't really judge their performance, but I do know fashion. And I can tell you that what they were wearing was NOT something that needed to be worn. Whoever they have dressing them needs to be fired. Maybe not just fired. They should be forced to stand in the middle of Times Square...naked...with a sign around their neck that says "Punch me. I rob good people of their fashion sense."
While I'm on the subject of Coldplay...what genre are they actually? Not rock. That isn't rock. I really don't know who thinks they are. But...maybe they should stand next to the naked stylists in Times Square.
Next...What in the hell were they thinking when they let M.I.A. perform on her due date??? Could you imagine the pain she had to have been going through? I've never been pregnant, so I'm probably not the best to say what she was feeling. All I know is that if her water had broken on stage it would have been mass confusion. What if she would have just popped right there in the middle of her performance. I don't think that the performance would have lost any of it's..."spunk"...if she wouldn't have been there. And the world would probably be a little better off if they wouldn't have seen that outfit they had her in. I felt bad for pregnant ladies everywhere. (Another candidate for the Times Square treatement.)
Let's go to the Group/Duo category. What is a Group or a Duo? It is two or more people singing in a group or a duo...right? Well...most people that know me know that I'm a HUGE Rascal Flatts fan and have been since before they were huge themselves. So I was, of course, pulling for them to win. Luckily for them...they are a group. They all sing. Not just Gary. But JoeDon and Jay actually sing on some of their songs. I don't know if you have ever watched Sugarland perform or heard them sing, but it is Jennifer Nettles singing and this guy playing a guitar. It is not a duo. Jennifer is a solo artist and she has a guitar player. I mean...who can even tell me that guitar players name? I know I can't. I'm sure Shania Twain has a guitar player but you didn't see her winning duo awards. So, I'm not very happy that Sugarland won the Group/Duo award. It was clearly Rascal Flatt's award and next year the Grammy people better have it right.
Now...what was up with Blink-182? Why do they think anyone would want them to come back? What are they going to contribute to the music industry? I don't think they're going to last very long this time around. I think people have grown out of that stage. They have grown up. Release an album if that's what you feel you need to do...then crawl back under your rock. I'm sure that won't bug anyone.
(I'm going to take a break in my Grammy rant to tell everyone that I hate my neighbor. His name is Tim. He sings. Wait, no...he doesn't sing. He screams. And sounds like some kind of ugly animal dying. One of these days I'm going to start belting out some country song and annoy the hell out of him. He is singing right now..."Baby, I'm sorry that I didn't go to your party!"...something like that. I have no idea. It's stupid. And he sucks.)
(Oh and did I mention that he wears tight girl pants. He and his emo girlfriend share pants I'm pretty sure.)
Ok...back to the Grammys.
Another thing that most people know about me is that I'm not a huge Allison Krauss fan. Am I the only one that had never heard of the song that she and What's -his-name did together? I don't even know the guy that she sang with. Every single other collaboration that was nominated was better than that song. They were all things that people had heard of AND they were just better. Period. THEN...they won best album? What? They had more songs together? Who bought that album? I've already mentioned that I don't like Coldplay, but I would have rather them won the award.

I think I'm done with that. I'm just ready for the Oscars. Hopefully they won't let me down.

Grammmmmmy Night.

Just chilling in Kevin's apartment watching the Grammy's on his big TV. It would be wonderful but we don't have the same opinion on music. And I mean NONE of our opinions are the same. We don't even have the same opinion on opinions. Good grief. It's going to be a great couple of hours.

I have a lot of studying to do. I have my first History test and my first Sociology test. I'm hoping I do good in both...but we'll see. I also have work this week so I won't have that much time to study. I'm basically going to have to put everything else aside other than sleeping, studying, and eating. Great. I don't like doing that.

I hate school.

I've realized that again. Totally not what I like doing. And I still have at least two more years of this. Gahhhhhhhh. At least I have friends.

I want a sprite.

I want Kevin to hang his posters up. They're just sitting on the floor.

I want to watch Twilight.

I don't want to work anymore. Three days was enough for me.

I'll like it when I get paid I guess.

I've been having really good, but weird, dreams. I can't share them with anyone. And I think I want them to come true. But they can't.

Weird.

I want to go to New York.

I want to escape from the world.

I want my hair to be more red.

I love Taylor Swift. She's so pretty and she writes songs that are amazing!

Miley Cyrus rocks my socks off too.

I love my kind of music. And I don't mind if anyone makes fun of me for it. It makes me happy.

I want the glam and the glitz of life.

What happens during the 8 hours I sleep at night. That's a long time that I'm not aware of.

I want to have kids...I'm just not sure I'll ever be able to handle it.

I wish I could dance like the Pussycat Dolls.

I want money. It makes me happy. Happier than most things/people can.

I really don't like Allison Krauss.

I miss my parents...but I would never want to go back to my childhood. I like being independent. But on that same note, I don't like being financially independent. I don't think I can handle the responsibility.

I wish I was great at one thing.

I don't know why I'm not smarter...I was raised to be smarter than I am.

I don't like people watching over me while I'm writing things. On paper or on the computer. It really bugs me and makes me want to just stop completely. I feel that they are judging me.

What are animals thinking?

These are things I think of.

I should write a news column

Today I found out how obsessed I really am with Sex and the City.
In class we had to tell of our "guilty pleasures" and I of course went straight for what I enjoy to do every day. Watch my four girls battle through the problems that I've already seen them tackle a million times. I didn't just tell the class that I like it. I told the class that I own the complete series, I watch the reruns on TBS, I own the movie, I own the books, I have posters on all of my walls, I have a shirt that says "I'm a Carrie", and my dog's name is Carrie. My professor looked at me and said, "I guess you really are obsessed."
If you would have seen the look she gave me you would understand how I felt.
I wondered if my obsession had become more than just an enjoyable time away from reality. Had I become one of the people that live more in the television than in their real life.
I suppose I have.
I can tell you the last time that I used a SATC reference to explain something happening in my life, but I can't tell you the last time I used a historical reference to explain...anything.

I also made a friend today which made me happy. A random, talkative girl names Lauren bumped into me. And now we're going to eat lunch. Exciting stuff.

Going to lunch...so I'll blog more later.

These days have been good to me.

I think we have to go through bad times to appreciate the good times.

Kevin and I had a talk the other night and he said something about me that I took offense too at first, then later realized that it's very true. I never remember the good things in life, I always remember the bad times. The times people have hurt me. The times I have hurt people.
That was a horrible night for me. I realized many things about myself that I don't like.
I'm going to change them. I won't be able to do it all at once, but little by little I WILL be a better person.

I want to be more creative. I want people to read my blogs and get a new perspective on life. I want teachers to see my work and think to themselves, "This girl knows what she's talking about and just might make it in this world". I want my parents to know that they did a good job, and I'll be able to take care of myself. I want my friends to know that they made a good choice in deciding to stick with me.

Gary Allan soothes me. Every song sings to my soul. Even if the content of the song doesn't directly connect with my life, his voice just makes everything right. Nothing seems wrong while he is singing. In saying that, I get to see him at the Houston Rodeo on March 18th. Words can't express how happy I am about that.

Other artists know how to reach me also:

Taylor Swift

Rascal Flatts

Maroon 5

Dierks Bentley

Jessica Simpson

Carrie Underwood

Garth Brooks

Casting Crowns

John Legend

Pat Green

I just love music. Obviously you can tell that I listen to a lot of country. I think that some people don't think that country songs are as poetical as other genres. This is a horribly wrong stereotype. The only thing different with country and other types of music is that most country artists come out with their feelings instead of masking it behind a metaphor. Yes, some of them do. But most of them come out and say it: "We believed in love forever, but I guess we were wrong." That's probably why I connect with it better, I don't like to analyze my music.

I like having earlier classes.

I hate waking up early though.

I like feeling like I've accomplished something before noon.

I need to work out. I ate too much yesterday.

Today in sociology we talked about fairy tales and how they influence little girls to think about themselves. We read an article by a woman that didn't want little girls to think that they could get what they wanted in life (handsome prince, pretty clothes, and a "happily ever after" ending) with just beauty. She wanted to let girls know that they have to have intelligence in order to get things. She also wanted little girls to know that when they were looking for the things they wanted that their prince wasn't always going to be an actual "prince", that he might have a few dents in his armor. What she basically was saying was that even though these fairy tales are good, they needed to be altered by the people telling them to fit the teachings of the parents so children would learn what was true in life.
I know that there is a difference between fantasy and reality and that everyone needs to know that difference. But I also believe that when you are a little kid you don't need to know all the dangers of the world. It is a horrible place out in the real world and knowing that there might not be a prince out there for you is something that a four year old in princess pj's doesn't need to know. There is no reason to ruin the imaginations of little girls everywhere just so they are prepared in life. At least wait till they are old enough to know the difference between fiction and nonfiction (which is easy to say, but is actually a tough thing for most kids to learn). There shouldn't be grown adults walking around and waiting for their princes to ride up on great white stallions, but let the little girls keep searching for their glass slipper.
The problem most girls in my class had with the fairy tales was that it painted the women as weak. I don't know what is wrong with me if that is right, because I like to be taken care of. I want a man to rescue me from harm and make me his princess.
Of course that is coming from someone who doesn't want a real job and just wants to be a stay at home mom, so I am probably different than the working women of the world.

"I'm just no damn good am I baby...
Every day I go a little more crazy."

I wish I could be a little kid for the rest of my life.

I wish I had a DVR here in Nac so I could study on the weekdays and watch my shows on the weekends. I hate having to watch in regular time.

I want to go to a new place soon.

I like to travel.

I can't wait to go home though. Just for a couple of days. I think I will be very happy when that happens on the 20th. And I know Dutchess will be happy to see Thomas and Toulouse. Carrie better be happy to see me.

I'll take her to the park.

Every day I start to think that I might like to be a writer. I think I could do it. Not a journalist (that's my current major). A writer. Books. I could do it. I'm a romantic. They'd be good books. I could take some creative writing classes and be set.

I'd still have to teach until I made it big.

It happens to the best of us.

"You don't know a think about me
unless you know how much
I need to be with you"

I love being in love.

Walking around campus holding hands.

Makes me ready for spring.

And Valentine's Day.

sigh

Kevin and I went to the poster sale today to look for posters for his apartment. I hate how it's so bland in here. I think he found a few things he likes. Not really my taste, but I don't have a say until we get married...so I just let him pick what he wanted. I'll take anything as long as it gives this place some flair.

"She wants her nails painted black
she wants the toy in the cracker jack
she wants to ride the bull at the rodeo."

I painted my nails black the other day because I wanted a change.

My dad mailed me three boxes of cracker jacks...I ate won...lost the other two.

Did I mention that I'm seeing Gary Allan at the rodeo? (There will be bulls there too).

I turned in 14 applications last week. No one has called me back yet. It's hard times these days. I made a bad choice. Lost a guaranteed job. Mom's mad. That's life.

It's not what happens to you, it's how you react.

That's what my dad always says. I think I'm finally understanding it and taking it and using it.

Harder than it sounds.

I've always searched for the one thing in my life that would make everything else make sense. I'm believing to think that it's not really out there.

"Life ain't always beautiful
tears will fall sometimes.
Life ain't always beautiful
but it's a beautiful ride."