I hate poetry

It's the truth. I really don't like poetry. But the other night I couldn't sleep and wrote some. Not good by any stretch, so don't judge. Just a few scribbles.

"I lay here at night

actually the early morn

thinking of the things 

I've accomplished in my life

I've made someone laugh,

I've made someone cry

I've even made someone wish 

they never were alive

Some things I'm proud of. 

Some things I'm not.

But I have to be honest

I wouldn't change a whole lot

I've loved with my whole heart

I've hated with it more

Changing that part is one

that I wish I could

I've lived a pretty full life

For a girl of my age

I'm ready to write the next chapter

give me a fresh page"

I never know when to make poetry rhyme. I mean I studied it all through senior year, so I know some things. But I've always thought that poetry was jut left up to interpretation.

"Have I let you down?

And I what you planned"

Do I amount to everything you dreamed a little girl to be?

I look to you every day and wonder, 

"Do I make him proud".

I know you say I do, 

but you know I have doubts.

I spend all your money

and cause problems over little things.

Wouldn't you be happier with someone smarter, 

skinnier,

even prettier?

I've always thought myself to be 'Daddy's Little Girl', 

but are you tired yet of bailing me out of trouble?

You may be confused, 

this may take you by surprise

because we rarely fight or bicker.

I just thought I'd run it by you, 

in case you need a change."

I don't have any stanzas, or any format for that matter. I just kinda poured stuff out on paper. 

Blah. 

"What have I done, 

What did I do, 

to deserve this kind of life?

The kind that seems great, 

the kind that some may want.

When the truth is that I want more, 

that I yearn for more. 

More than I can get, 

More than is possible of achieving.

People see one side of my life, 

the side I don't hide. 

The glam and the glitz

That's what I try to be about, 

but there's another one, 

One deep down inside that few see.

It's not that dark, 

just a little gray.

Tainted by a past I'm getting over.

I'm not sad with my life, 

don't get me wrong. 

I just need to know what I can do

What I can do to help me move on

On from the past, 

onto the future

So tell me what I've done

to make things like they are."

Ok this last one is a little more structured. Inspired by Rascal Flatts' song, "Help Me Remember". :)

"Help me remember

the secret of life

is is only to become

the perfect husband or wife?

Or is it something different?

Is that not it at all?

Is it only to dance

Until the one day you fall?

Help me remember 

What it's like to be a child.

Is it only pure happiness, 

living every day running wild?

Or is it something different?

Do I have it all wrong?

Is it only complete bliss?

Oh, It's just been too long.

Help me remember

How is was when I was with you.

Was it only a passing phase?

Did you know you'd leave me blue?

Or was it something different?

Did you mean everything you said?

Was it only to save yourself, 

that you hurt me instead?"

Ok, so that's what I have for now. I wasn't going to share them with the World Wide Web, but It's 2:40AM on Monday morning...and I can't sleep...go figure. 

East to West

"You know just how far the East is from the West, from one scarred hand to the other"

Casting Crowns gets me through all of life's problems. Their lyrics are just absolutely amazing. 

There isn't much going on in my life right now. Just getting ready for finals and moving back home. I really really hope I do well on my finals. Tomorrow I need to go buy some note cards so I can make flash cards for my different tests. I'm planning on driving to my grandparent's house in Louisiana to study next weekend, so I won't be distracted by all the "distractions" here. I planned out my classes for next semester. Get to register tomorrow morning, 7AM. I'll be up registering...then going back to sleep. I'm going to have to have one class on Friday. :( Blah. Oh well. I'll be fine. Can't always have the perfect schedule. trying for 15 hours this time. English, History, 2 Communications, and a Theatre. :) Communication is making me have the MWF class. Intro to Radio/TV...I'll be fine. 

Speaking of that...I've decided for the time that I want to be a news anchor. That's right. The next Katie Couric right here. :)))

My cat Annie is missing right now. It's only been one day, so we shouldn't worry. But I worry. I worry every day about my babies. And I can't be there to look for her. I hope she shows up. Pray for her, please. She's so much like her mother, who went missing a couple years ago. Gosh I miss my cats so much. I CAN'T WAIT FOR SUMMER!!!!!

Not much to blog about. Other than I hate being a girl. Boys have it so much easier in every single way. I dare you to name one way that the girl has it better...that's what I thought. In no way. 

:)

"It's crowded in worship today as she slips in, trying to fade into the faces. The girls teasing laughter is carrying farther than they know. Farther than they know. But if we are the body why aren't his arms reaching, why aren't his hands healing, why aren't his words teaching? And if we are the body why aren't his feet going, why is his love not showing them there is a way? There is a way."

Playing solitaire till dawn...

...With a deck of 52.

So, that's not how the song goes, but I have all the cards in my deck. Hopefully, since it's online. They better not be cheating me! Even though that would explain a lot of losing. 

I was sitting here at 3:05AM on Tuesday morning and I realized that I hadn't blogged yet about Monday. Today was a pretty good day. Went to the lake, got a little red, went to class, learned easy cheesy stuff, went to lufkin, ate yummy food, planned out an entire road trip, and changed my myspace profile. 

Yup. I'm amazing. 

Thing is I want to take a shower, but when I was leaving my room in my towel I looked down the hallway and saw a police office standing there. I don't know what was going on (I'll look into it tomorrow), but I got scared and decided to put my shower off until the AM. 

And I guess I'm going to get back to solitaire for now. 

Night!

The moment after.

You know that point in your life when you think everything is perfect? It seems that nothing could go wrong? Well, I don't want to talk about that point, I want to talk about the next second right after that fabulous moment. The point when all the worries start flooding in, the point when you keep telling yourself that things are too good to be true, that this couldn't be happening to you. That has to be the most depressing part of any moment. That moment right after. Like you go to the store and buy the cute pair of kitten heels that will go perfectly with the outfit you got for your birthday and right when you walk out the door you think that that $60 could have gone to something else, like the church or starving kids in Africa. It's a horrible time in anyone's life, thinking that what you've done isn't right or thinking that it's all going to end sometime; probably soon. 

I had a great weekend. But nothing's perfect. It all has to end. You have to slide down from cloud 9 some time, holding onto it with every bit of your strength. 

I've been thinking about the people I look up to lately, searching for any help in what I want to do with my life. For starters, I look up to my mom. She's a wonderful lady, loves every one that she knows unconditionally and rarely ever falters when making a decision. I respect her with everything that I have, I'm just not quite the same as her. Not as strong and level headed. On the other hand I look up to my dad. He's always there for me whether it be to haul my car four hours back home or to let me cry on his shoulder when the latest boy has done me wrong. But I can't handle things the way he does, we may be more similar than my mom and me, but he is also much stronger than I am. I suppose all that may come with time, but just a little of it now would be nice. Then I have my fictional characters that I look up to. The ones that I want to play in a movie. The ones that I wish I could be just like. Scarlet O'Hara. I find myself more and more like her every day. She's conceited. She's over dramatic. She's beautiful. She's stubborn. I'm all those things. But if she were in any of my tough situations she wouldn't handle them the way I do. Even though I see so much of me in her character, she still is more of a feminist than I will ever be. My newly found role model is Carrie from Sex and the City. Like her, I have a Mr. Big. (I'm pretty sure I've gotten over my Big, but there comes times when I'm not so sure.) I also like to keep a journal on the computer, I use blogger though. She's been in and out of relationships. She also has a job that I've always admired. I think that I want to be something like her when I grow up. 

I think. 

I just don't know anymore. I just don't. I don't know how to confront people when I need to talk the them about things. I don't know how to make decisions. I'm too scared about what people will say, what will happen, what won't happen. 

I thought I was getting better at this thing called life, but I actually think that I'm hitting that moment after. 

Peace, Love, & DDPs

So I thought I had a very productive day. I woke up...after one and took a shower and got dressed and pretty-fied. Then cleaned my room. Then took random, goofy pictures (which can be seen on my myspace and facebook). Then I watched a movie and cut out random words and pictures from magazines. I did this all while waiting for my wonderful friends to get here from Van Vleck to spend the weekend with me! Jeryca and Kevin got here about seven. I didn't even know that they were in town and they walked into my door, it was great. :) We walked over to the Student Center to see if anything was open, which it wasn't, and then decided that we should go to chilis and get Kev's discount. Ate and I decided I should pay since I was treating them to a night in Nac. :) We started to get worried about Justin since he was supposed to be here around 8 and it was nearing 9, so we texted him. Turns out he made a detour in Houston to go to Guitar Center, but didn't tell anyone so we, ok maybe just me, had crazy visions of what could have happened to him in our heads. He made it here around 10 then we just hung out in my room. Jenna and Sarah and Jared all came by at random times to meet my friends and chill, then the four of us started and movie and they dropped like flies leaving me up and alone and not at all tired. I guess that's probably because they all got up in the AM and eventually made a three hour trip and I didn't. I guess that's one of the bad things about sleeping in late...you stay up way too late. AND Jeryca is now in the middle of my bed, so I'm not exactly sure where I'm supposed to sleep if I even tried to lay down. Oh well. I suppose I could just stay up all night. Why not? I've done it before. :)

No, I'll probably crash here in a little bit, I just decided that I needed to blog. Because I've already won a game of solitaire, sent a few people bumper stickers on facebook, checked myspace and facebook and found that no one else was online, walked down to the bathroom and ran into my big, went to my big's room and talked to her, turned off my tv because the movie finished that I didn't watch a single bit of. Yay! 

See, productive day. I'm very proud of myself, and you should be too. You=the people who read my blog=Alex and my Dad. :)

So, that was a little shout out to Alex and my Dad. 

Which I guess that really doesn't matter considering that they are the only people that read my blog. 

I hope I made that clear. 

Ok. Good. 

Gonna find something else to cure my boredom now. 

Peace, Love, & DDPs!

I'm not what you've been dreamin of

I get in a "debbie downer" mood too quickly. The second something makes me sad I feel like the world is ending. It's not fun. I wish I wasn't like this. But I'm not sure how to keep it from happening. Once one thing goes wrong I start thinking about everything that has or can go wrong and then it all goes downhill from there. 

I'm bored. I'm ALWAYS bored in Nac. Sure, we have little spurts of excitement, but then it's right back to boringville once again. I don't know if it's because I don't have enough friends or if it's because there's really not much to do or what. I mean I know I get bored at home too, but at least my friends will come and be bored with me. If we get bored here, my friends leave. I guess they think it's better to be bored alone than together. At home we like to be together even if we're bored. Maybe that's because we've known each other long enough that we can just be bored together and still think we had an eventful day. NOT here. If we do nothing together it was a waste of a day. And we'll express it too. I personally like "do-nothing" days. They're good once in a while. No, not all the time. But, they help cleanse the soul. Not sure where I'm heading with this. I guess I'm just homesick again. It happens when I don't go home every weekend. Maybe I need a pet. But you see, this stupid dorm will only let us have a bird or a fish, the two most "un-connectable" pets that you can have. I've had both, so I should know. If I had one of my cats here with me I would feel much better and at home. That would make this cold (and by cold I don't mean in temperature, I mean in looks) place seem more "home-y". I would also probably be much happier all the time. Nothing makes me happier than when one of my kitties crawls up into my lap when I'm having a bad day. 

Wanna know a fun fact? I've been to 6 proms...going to be 7 after this year. 7. SEVEN PROMS!!! I mean, I love to get dressed up and look like the princess I am, but sheesh, proms are so freaking boring. I've never had fun at a prom. After and before, sometimes...but during. No. B-O-R-I-N-G! Oh well, at least this time I don't have to pay for a new dress and hopefully Chase will think it's boring and we'll leave not long after it starts. I don't dance in big dresses I suppose. Idk. Maybe I'm just in a complaining mood. 

BORED!!!!!

Maybe I'll fall off Allison's bed again...

i love jalapenos...

...but somebody should have told me not to eat so many for breakfast. I feel terrible all day afterwards. 

So, some of my friends from VV are coming up to see me this weekend and I'm pretty excited about that. I had a rough weekend, so it will totally lift my spirits! 

I don't have much to blog about, I only do it because my dad gets onto me if I don't. 

So...maybe I'll have something to talk about later tonight!!!

Ashton Kutcher can have my babies any day.

My lovely roommate has two seasons of That 70s Show and I'm loving it. I've probably seen most of the episodes already, but it's probably one of the funniest shows ever. Ever. Basically. 

So, we rearranged our room. We put Allison's bed on top of mine and pushed the dressers to the other side of the room. We cleaned it all. All we need to do is sweep...but that means we have to go downstairs and borrow a broom. That takes a little more effort than we are willing to put out. But it's amazing. Our room is totally amazing. Amazing. Basically.

You know what I'm tired of? Tired of myspace surveys. Yes I know I do them allllll the time, but that's because I like answering questions about myself. I am getting annoyed with the questions, they are the same thing over and over and over again. Let me answer a few of them right now. 

My name is Jordan. I'm 18. I have three cats, two dogs, two turtles, and seven fish (last time I checked). I love my cats. That's my favorite kind of animal. My best friend is Jeryca. We've done a few illegal things together (that question always gets asked for some reason). My favorite movie is Gone With the Wind and I don't have a favorite TV show, I like way to many to pick just one. I love country music, and pink is my favorite color. I get along with my parents very well. Yes, I'm missing someone. I always miss people. (Why is that question always asked? If someone really misses someone why would they want to remember it?) I'm in college already, Stephen F. Austin if you didn't already know. Yes I have a sibling, a brother, 11, Trevor, and I've never ever ever had a crush on one of his friends. Gross. No, I am not wearing socks. (Seriously? Who thought of putting that question on a survey for the first time? Socks. Really?) I think that's enough. I think you get the point. Oh wait, no...I DON'T have a significant other and I haven't seen them naked (obviously, since I don't have one) and I don't love them (obviously, since I don't have one) and I don't think we'll be together forever (obviously, since I don't have one) and don't know their name or age or anything else...(OBVIOUSLY, SINCE I DON'T HAVE ONE!!!!!). 

OK?

Now that I've gotten that across I'm telling everyone that if I'm taking a survey and it says one thing about my significant other I'm stopping it right then and not taking it. It pisses me off. 

Seriously, just go ahead and make the single girl want to jump off a building. Thanks. 

Now, back to That 70s Show. 

If we are the body

So today was a great day.
Woke up really late, which if you know me, is always a great thing, and a very common thing.
Then I got ready and attended Poly Sci. I'm usually not too happy to attend this class, but today we were only watching a movie. And not just any movie. Thank You For Smoking. A very good movie about an amazing lobbyist for a tabacco company. Great movie. I own it actually and have never watched it. I will be watching it again when I get home next.
Then the rest of the day was a blur only because Stevie and I couldn't wait for the Casting Crowns concert.
OMG.
Amazing.
It was a great night of praise and worship through the wonderful voices of the members of Casting Crowns. I can truly say that I was moved tonight in a way that I haven't been moved through the Lord before. I've heard all of their songs, but live and in person was more amazing than I can express in words. I can relate to so many of their songs that when Mark was singing on stage I felt tears swell up in my eyes, knowing the pain that so many people have felt.
A truly remarkable experience.
If you've never been to a Christian concert let me let you in on a little thing they all do. They all support WorldVision. WorldVision is a great organization that provides orphans with money and water and an education. When my family and I attended the Mark Schultz and Big Daddy Weave concert last year we adopted a little girl named Tiara. This time around when I told my mom that they had the WorldVision people there again she made it loud and clear that I was NOT TO ADOPT ANOTHER LITTLE KID. It is so hard not to take all their little pictures home and send them all money. If you feel that you should help some of these kids in Africa or India or other 3rd world countries please go to WorldVision.com and sponsor a child. You really can make a difference in their life.

Anyway, so it was a wonderful night! Now I'm in the student center with Stevie, Marie, and Jared just chilling at the computers. It's a place we can all get together and all be on a computer. Since FaceBook is what keeps us together anyway...even when we're sitting right next to each other.

i'm gonna go to sleep...promise

But first I have to blog. I haven't done it in a while. 

So today was April Fool's day. Usually Trevor's favorite holiday. I wasn't home for him to get me, so my day was not as great as it usually is. But Kevin and Jeryca both did try to get me, over text and phone call. Kevin told me that there was a rumor about me being pregnant. That one I believed because people are stupid and would start a rumor like that about me. Luckily it was a lie...and I'm not pregnant. Jeryca tried to say that she and a couple of my other friends got kicked out of the movie theatre. Ha. She thought she could get me. She couldn't. I didn't believe one bit of it. Hehe. I didn't get anyone though. I can't commit to an idea and run with it. Jeryca says it's because I'm lame. I'm not lame am I?

Anyway. I just got done with another great artsy project. This time I tackled mine and Allison's door with hot glue and hot guys. The result is fantastic. I'll post a pic on facebook tomorrow, promise. Or you can stop by my room to check it out. Amazing. Seriously. 

My room is a complete wreck and I really need to clean it, but I keep finding other things to do. Like sit on facebook or blog. 

Tomorrow is Wednesday. I don't really want Wednesday to be here. I really would rather it just skip to Thursday. Thursday=Casting Crowns Concert! I'm so super excited. Stevie and I are going to have a wonderful time loving God and singing. 

I have half of my proposal and annotated bibliography for english due on Friday at noon and I still have no idea what kind of topic to write about. If you have any ideas please let me know. It can be about anything really. We just have to prove something that isn't a fact. I've thought about maybe something on weight issues or something on why the heck Diet Dr. Pepper is so addictive. 

Speaking of Diet Dr. Pepper...The other day we (Mom, Dad, Trevor, and yours truly) were in WalMart getting some things. My list contained coffee, coffee filters, kleenex, AAA batteries and Diet Dr. Pepper, which I thought was not too much to ask for. My parents buy me everything on my list but when I go to get my DDPs my dad tells me that I don't need them, that I can drink water. Um...no. DDPs are my life. Ok, maybe not my life, but I need them to survive. So, since my parents are practically cutting me off of DDPs since they won't buy me any and they are the ones that have to give me money in order to buy them, I am only getting some when I go to the cafeteria. And the people in the cafeteria won't let me fill up a huge jug of it and bring it back to my room. I don't know why. Gosh. A girl just wants to live here. 

*sigh*

My TR english class was cancelled all this week due to us having conferences with the professor instead. Mine is Friday, that's why my paper is due Friday. Also, in Com 101 today my professor informed us that our Thursday class has been cancelled and that everything is going to be moved back a day. That means that our Tuesday test has been moved until the 10th. Sometimes God loves me. :)

I had a great weekend. I went home on Thursday and went straight to play practice where my family was. Scared Mom because she didn't think that I was coming into town until Friday. Then we had Pizza and Wings at Pizza Hut/Wing Street (half the reason that I went home in the first place). Great day. Then on Friday I woke up pretty late (always a good thing), then cleaned a little bit of the house, picked my brother up from school, took him to meet my Uncle Brett so he could go camping, and then went with Jeryca to my first Astro's game of the year. Great Day. Then on Saturday I attended the District 27AA One Act Play competition. Only as an audience member. Part of the day I found this sorta sad, I really do miss acting. But, my old alma mater advanced without me. I'm not going to lie, I thought this year that they weren't going to have too much going for them, but they really are a talented bunch of actors. They were by far the greatest play there. Earning 4 superlatives along with their advancement onto the Area One Act competition in Industrial this Saturday. After the competition I went back home where, after their movie in Lake Jackson, Rene', Kevin, and Justin met me. We watched Sideways and had a great time, like always. Great day. On Sunday I woke up late and did pretty much nothing. Then that night we went to El Chico and I saw my buddies and ate great food. Great Day. So see, great weekend. :)

So, last summer I bought some lotion stuff that you're supposed to put on over night and it makes you tan. It actually worked and I've used it a few times before. Now I'm trying it again. I'll tell you tomorrow if I look darker. I hope so. I'm tired of being so white. Really. Sometimes it's embarrassing to be this white. 

You know what I'm sick of? Zits. Pimples. Blemishes. Whatever else you may want to call them. I call them ugliness on my beautiful face! I've never had bad acne. Then I get here in college and BOOM! they decide to ruin my life. It's really not nice. Not nice at all. Argh. 

Ok, well it's 2:25 AM so I should probably go to sleep since I have to be up so early tomorrow to make it to my shift at the Welcome Center by 1PM.