Operation Love Me

*I have started a new blog devoted just to "Operation Love Me"...follow it and read!*

Things have been falling into place for me recently. Not in a good way, but in a way that will turn into good. Last week I bought a book called "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. It's a non-fiction piece about "one woman's search for everything across Italy, India, and Indonesia". I have realized that I don't want to turn into the woman in the book, and if I continue down the path I'm on, I see myself heading straight there. Since I can't be a world traveler like Liz, I decided that I need to work on my life here in Nacogdoches. I decided that I needed to start loving me.
Enter "Operation Love Me".
Today is the start of Summer I classes and every morning I have a biology lab at 8AM. Before my lab I am starting a workout routine which entails that I wake up at 6AM and go to the rec center gym with my friends Eric, Allison, and Caroline. I am very lucky to have such good friends that also want to get in shape and are willing to wake up that early in the morning. I am then going to take a quick shower and then get ready for my lab. Between lab and my actual class at 12:30 I am going to have time devoted to homework/studying and chores around the house. Since the whole point of "Operation Love Me" is to be happy with myself, I have to worry about my school work because I can't be a happy person if I am not doing well in school and well on my way to graduation.
This week after my class I have work everyday, so I will be there until 8 or 9. My plan when I get off work is to have my rest/entertainment time. In the time I get off work till my 10:30 bedtime (yes, 10:30) I will have time for watching a movie, catching up on tv shows, or just hanging out with friends.
The other major part of "Operation Love Me" is prayer. Like my "friend" Elizabeth Gilbert, I haven't had the best relationship with God in my life. I believe that in order to love myself and to be happy, I need to love God and trust him with my life. Last night as I lay, sleepless, in bed I realized that I needed to start my new journey off the right way, with a prayer. I got down on my knees and prayed out loud in my empty room. (I say it was empty lightly because there was no human being in there with me, but my kitten, Lexie, was very concerned as to why I awoke her from her content slumber.) Prayer has never been a strength of mine. I never know what to say and even if God is actually hearing what I say, so I just don't do it. Last night I prayed for a few minutes. Just telling in my plans and goals and asking for him to give me strength to make myself a better person. After my "amen" I crawled back into bed and tried for a good night's rest.
I was rudely awoken at 4:26 AM by my body. I'm not sure what made my young, 20 year old college body want to get out of bed that early. I'm assuming it was a mixture of anxiety, excitement, and my bladder. Either way, I got out of bed thinking that I might start my day super early and quickly decided that I needed to tell my body who was boss and hopped back into bed. It took Lexie a while to realize that it wasn't actually "get up" time so I stayed pretty awake till she settled back into a ball at the small of my back.
When my alarm went off at 6:00 I jumped out of bed ready to start "Operation Love Me". I was to meet Eric and Caroline on my front porch at 6:15, so I didn't have much time. I was surprised when I found myself standing alone at 6:12, early for one of the first times in my life. The four of us decided that if someone didn't show up to our early morning work-out that we would call and hassle them until they either woke up for felt very sorry about it. At about 6:25 I realized that I was still standing alone and needed to find my fellow companions (Allison was already waiting for us at the gym). Eric claimed that Caroline was running late and that they'd be "right there". I was about to leave them when they slowly walked around the corner and we jumped in my truck and sped away.
When I returned home I found that it was difficult to run up the stairs that led to my room. This is only going to get worse every morning, until I get up my strength I suppose. I got ready for class and walked to the Science building only to find that my lab doesn't start till the second day of classes and that I need to have my lab manual by that time.
I called my mother and had a very nice early morning conversation with her. She told me that she was proud of me and we shared in our new-found love of "True Blood" and the Sookie Stackhouse books. I've seen the entire show and she's just starting to read the books, which I will be promptly borrowing from her. We kept each other on the phone for a while until I made my way to the local bookstore to buy my biology books. Turns out I had to spend all of the money that I have been saving up for rent to buy just the book, not the manual. It seems that one of the goals for "Operation Love Me" is going to have to be that I need to accept the fact that I am not a millionaire and cannot spend money as such.

I used to know this song by heart

I think it has finally hit me. The complete sadness...heartache...feeling of failure. It's taken five days. I think that's pretty good. I mean, it was bad at first. Crying, yelling, punishing myself and others around me, but I quickly shook it off and hid it deep down. Now it has come back. It's keeping me awake, it's crowding my mind. I try to think of other things but I can only think of how I have, once again, failed at my attempt for a love life.
People warned me. I'd been down this road before. I didn't enjoy it then, why would it be any different the second, third, fourth, time?
How can I have this entire relationship built up in my mind and he have nothing?
I find it hard to believe that he can see the world through completely different eyes.
I'm tired of living in my own world where I think everything will work out. I need someone to pull me to the ground and help me have a real relationship. A relationship where feelings are shared, and even though hard times are had, love still prevails.
I may be young, but I want the future. I'm not the kind of person that can live from day to day. I'm not the kind of person who can run around willy nilly and meet new people every night. I'm not meant for the dating "scene".
I'm meant to find a man and fall in love with him.
And he with me.
I'm meant to love the same man for all of my life.
Yet I always drag myself down to the ground and make myself feel minuscule and hopeless. Helpless even.
Is it too much to ask that I find that one person soon?
Is it too much to ask that it's easier?
I know that there are people out there that are older than me that can't find the man of their dreams and I should be happy that I'm only 20...but I just can't be.
I can't be happy with myself without a "better half".
I'm not who I want to be without someone that wants me.
I know that I'm loved. I have a wonderful family that would do anything for me and that don't want to see me hurt. I have great friends that would be there for me anytime of the day.
And I know that I have someone that's written in the books for me...I just wish he'd find his way to me quicker.
I'm getting a little tired of waiting.