Battle Studies

My 5th semester here at SFA is coming to a close and I have no idea where the time has gone. It seems like just yesterday I was walking across the stage at VVHS. It seems like just yesterday I was winning Best Actress at OAP. It seems like just yesterday I was making Varsity cheerleader. I was falling in love for the first time. I was playing my flute for the first time. I was crying because Kelsey was moving from VV. I was becoming a big sister. I was Henrietta Hen in my first play.

Where does the time go?

And I'm only 20.

How am I going to feel when I'm 40? 60? 103?

Even though I've grown up, moved away from home and have new friends, some things never change. I'm still a hopeless romantic. I'm still extremely shy. I still love watching Disney shows. I'm still a people pleaser. I would still rather hang out with my family than get completely wasted at a frat party.

Part of me wishes I could change, but I don't think I'm a horrible person.

I would be my friend if I were someone else.

I love Christmas time. That's never changed. The songs. The weather. Just the spirit of it all. Everyone seems happier and the world just seems like a brighter place to live.

I have a new found love for John Mayer. He really is a great artist. I've just added his new cd to my Christmas Wish List...I hope someone reads this and gets it for me. *cough cough* daddy *cough cough*

"Just when I had you off my head. Your voice comes thrashing wildly through my quiet bed. You say you wanna try again, but I've tried everything but giving in. Why you wanna break my heart again. Why am I gonna let you try? When all we ever do is say goodbye."

Do people really fall in love forever? Are people ever truly happy with the people they "love"?

I'm still waiting for my movie romance...but I'm doubting it's ever going to happen.

I don't want a knight in shining armor anymore...I will settle for a flawed, handsome, millionaire.

Or at least someone that will make the first move, treat me like I've never been treated, adore me forever, and has a family that loves me like one of their own.

I can never seem to get all of those traits together. I keep dating people that have a few of the qualities I like, never all of them.

Are my standards too high?

I feel if I lower them I'll never be happy in life.

I just found out that Taylor Swift sings a song with John Mayer! Yes, I do need his new album.

I want to escape reality. I think that's why I love movies and tv so much. They give me a chance to get away from life for a while. That's why I watch a movie a day, to keep me calm. To keep me from not stressing about life.

What is it about working out that makes me feel cool? Is it the fact that all the skinny, pretty people do it and I want to look like them? Or is it that I'm just really weird?

Yet for some reason, I still can't make myself do it all the time.

I've been brave lately. Talked to people that I would normally not talk to. I'm very proud of myself. To outgoing people this may seem like nothing. But talking to the cute guy that sits next to me in class is a huge step in my book. I rewarded myself with a trip to Chilis...not good for my bank account. But made me feel better about myself.

I've been without my Macbook for most of this semester. It's been horrible. I've been living with my dad's little bitty blue Netbook. It's really small. I'm used to it now, but it gets annoying sometimes when I'm wanting to do something "Mac-y" and I can't. My charger broke. :( I need to get a new one, but Apple likes to make them about $70.

Random fact: I'm trying to lose 15 pounds before December 18th. Pray for me! Or just send me healthy snacks so I won't eat bad things for me.

I'm tired of people dogging the Cowboys. Just because you aren't a fan doesn't mean you have to be mean about them. I never understood intentionally putting down someone's favorite team when you know how they feel about them...and without a good reason. I'm also tired of people saying really mean things about Romo. I mean, I know he's not doing the best in the league right now, but he's not a horrible quarterback. And he's very young and hasn't had as much experience as some of the other QBs in the league. He didn't start playing till the 2006 season when he took over for Drew Bledsoe. It's only his 4th season as a starting quarterback...cut him some slack. I do get mad at him sometimes, ok, I get furious with him sometimes. But I'd like to see some of his naysayers do any better. And remember the Cowboys are 8-3 this season and 1st in the NFC East, they aren't a horrible team. And Romo did have 6 interception free games...would a horrible, no good quarterback do that? I mean he's no Peyton Manning, but I'm not giving up on him just yet.

...off my soapbox...

"I'm in the war of my life, at the door of my life, out of time and there's no where to run away."

Just a little update.

Name: Jordan Lea Smith (still...as far as I know...)

Age: 19 (for two more days)

Status: Single (not so sure about the ready to mingle part...)

Kevin and I broke up. I thought it was going to be a "nice" break-up. It turns out that we're not talking or seeing each other anymore. It's harder than I thought it was going to be. 

I'll make it. 

I've made it through break-ups before. They only get harder. 

I'm still just as confused about life as I've ever been. 

It's a little harder now. I don't have a set "set" of friends. I never know who I can turn to and lean on. 

But I still love life. 

I guess that's the key to life...love it. 

I finished a whole scrapbrook today. It's a small one, but it was a lot of work. A lot. 

I feel very accomplished. 

I'm very, very proud of myself. 

That's a great update...

I like to scrapbook now. I've made fun of mom and her friends for the longest time. I sat down and actually started the other day and I just adore it. I feel like I can do it when I'm angry, sad, happy, bored...finally...I think I have a hobby. 

Stevie and I have an apartment in Nac. We move in mid-August. I really can't wait! That's going to be so awesome. So. Awesome. 

I wait tables at El Chico...I hate every second of it. 

Oh well. There are some good people that I work with. 

There are some not so good people that I work with. 

I guess that's how the cookie crumbles. 

I've stuffed a lot of food in my mouth recently. I haven't gained any weight yet...of course I haven't lost any either. 

Oh well. 

My favorite song of the moment is "Faith in Love" by Reba and Rascal Flatts. 

Give it a listen. It's awesome. 

I painted the walls in my room red. I have it decorated black, red, and white. I love it.

It's messy still. But not as cluttered. 

"Goodbyes are like a Roulette wheel, you never know where they're gonna land. First you're spinning, then you're standing still. Left holdin' a losing hand"

American Idol trip Part one.

It's been a while. 

I'm in Dallas...well Arlington...for American Idol auditions. I've always wondered what it would be like to audition, but never really thought I would. When Meagan asked me to go with her when she auditioned I figured it was my chance. I might as well try, or I'll never know. 

Yesterday we left my house around 3 with Meagan's car loaded down with everything that we thought true American Idol contestants needed. We stopped in Lake Jackson because I wanted to get a new shirt for the audition. She ended up buying a shirt and I bought a pair of jeans. They are really great. I think if they don't let me through to Hollywood with these jeans on then they just might be crazy. 

After we left LJ we headed on our merry way to The Big "D". After driving through Huntsville we stopped at a relatively new Rest Area. We bought drinks, played on the playground, followed a trail, and picked up a pet rock which we named Hunter (because we found him in "Hunt"sville). We loaded into the car and tried to leave the rest area when all of a sudden Meagan's car wouldn't let her go over 10MPH and when we stopped the car it started to shake, then the check engine light came on. Of course we have no idea about cars, so all I know to check is if the engine is over heated...which it wasn't. After sitting for a few seconds we started the car back up and it ran well. Got us all the way here. The light was still on, but nothing was happening. 

When we got near our hotel we couldn't find how to get to it because there was so much construction and the gps didn't know how to navigate through it. We made a million turns and then after one turn I saw something that made me scream. 

Cowboys Stadium. 

It was beautiful...and I wasn't even that close to it. 

I screamed. 

Meagan freaked out. 

And we almost missed a turn.

When we arrived at our hotel we settled in and were sitting in bed when the news showed a clip of people at the stadium for American Idol. We were confused because on the website it said that people weren't going to be able to camp out and registration wasn't until 8 in the morning. We decided that we needed to trek over to the stadium and see what was going on. It didn't take us very long because our hotel is about 2 miles from the stadium. Sure enough, when we got there there were about 20 cars already in the parking lot and the people were sitting outside of their vehicles in chairs and on blankets watching the stadium like something major was about to happen. I tweeted at that time asking the twitter world if there was a fireworks show that we were not informed about. 

We drove around the stadium admiring it's beauty and then drove back to the hotel and tried to sleep. 

Didn't happen very easily. We were just so excited. 

At first we were planning on waking up around 7, but when we found out that the gates opened at 5, we figured we needed to get up earlier. Meagan woke up at 4 and tried to wake me up at 4:35. Ha! I stayed under the covers until 5 and then after that it took me about 20 minutes to get out of the shower. 

We made our way back over to the stadium. This time there weren't just around 50 people. There were about 2,000 people (maybe more) already lined around the sides of the stadium. 

It wasn't too long of a wait, or at least not as long as I'd been expecting. We sat on the ground for about an hour and a half. During that time we made two new friends. One girl named Holly who was there with her dad and a guy name Phillip who was laying on the ground next to us when Meagan told us that we should all lay on each other's stomachs and rest. He awoke when he realized that she was saying that I needed to lay on his tummy. That's one way to make friends I suppose.

We made our way all the way up the line together, having a grand ole time the whole way there. The heat was crazy...we were all sweating, but it made walking into Cowboys Stadium even better. We didn't get to walk very far into it, so I can't tell you everything about it. But it already looked amazing. Amazing I tell you. 

After we received our wristbands and tickets we went to breakfast at iHop and then came back to the hotel room to rest before we hit up Dallas. 

Meagan is now napping and I am blogging. Great rest. 

We're not sure what we are going to. Maybe just sightsee...maybe go to the Ripley's Believe it or Not museum...maybe catch a movie. Whatever it is, it'll be great. :)

There are pictures on my Picasa web albums and on my facebook. 

I'm going to finish reading My Sister's Keeper now...I'm so close to the end it's killing me. 

A little bit about me

Dictionary.com refers to materialism as:

preoccupation with or emphasis on material objects, comforts, and considerations, with a disinterest in or rejection of spiritual, intellectual, or cultural values.

I disagree with that wholeheartedly. I don't see how you can't completely love material things and still have a love for spiritual and religious things. 

I don't think that loving material items causes you to reject anything that you wouldn't already choose to reject yourself. 

I have been called materialistic. 

And that's fine. 

I DO love material things. 

Buying things makes me happy. 

More happy than most things. 

But it doesn't compare to the way my heart feels when I'm standing in church singing the words, "Indescribable, uncontainable. You place the stars in the sky and you know them by name. You are amazing God."

But yes, I do love material things. 

Some people just don't understand the feeling I get when I buy a new pair of shoes. For that moment in time I feel that nothing is wrong in the world. I just have me and my beautiful new pair of shoes. 

Another thing people don't understand is my fascination with celebrities. This may come from my materialism, and probably does. 

I don't know if I can even explain why I'm so interested in famous people's lives. I can only try. 

I think that since I have always wanted to be famous part of it must come from jealousy or from idolization. 

I do want what they have. 

Not only their clothes, shoes, hair stylists, bodies, etc...

But I want people to scream for me when I walk down the street. 

I want people to recognize me when I walk into a room. 

I want people to like me. 

I want people to want to be me. 

That may be selfish. That may just be dumb. 

But that's me. 

I need a puppy

So, I have a lot of studying to do, but I have to tell the world of my great day first. 

Today I called in to work because I have a lot of work to do, studying for my history test on Thursday, homework for sociology, and picture stuff for my digital photography class, etc. 

I decided that since I had time I was going to go take pictures of campus for my SFA postcard assignment. Since it was a beautiful day outside I decided that I would put Random (my 10 month old cat) on her harness and take her with me. 

She didn't like that idea. 

She did a little jump dance and got out of her harness. 

She darted towards the Kennedy Auditorium. 

She darted towards the Chemistry building. 

Then darted into a dark hole. 

She came back out for a second. 

I held her. 

She clawed my back and ran back under. 

Marie and I waited and waited and waited for her to come back out while Kevin went to get her food and a couple of toys. 

She wouldn't come out. 

Kevin made it back and we set up a nice little spot for her to come back. 

There were two black cats under there with her. 

They came out to say hello a few times. 

FINALLY she came out to play with her ping pong ball. 

But she was too smart for us. 

She would knock it away and go back and hide. 

Then I outsmarted her. 

We placed the pink shoe-string that she plays with in the hole and she came out for that. 

Kevin grabbed her and we ran to the car. 

Little toot thought she could get away. 

Little does she know that she is now stuck in the apartment as long as she lives. 

Little dummy. 

If you wanted to know...cats don't like walks. 

Get a dog. 

10 Rules for a Successful Relationship

This is the list my Sociology teacher gave me today. 

1. Express love verbally.

2. Be physically affectionate.

3. Express appreciation and admiration.

4. Share more with your partner than with any other person. 

5. Offer each other emotional support. 

6. Express your love materially. 

7. Accept partner's demands and put up with partner's shortcomings. 

8. Make time to be alone together. 

9. Do not take the relationship for granted. 

10. Do unto each other as you would have the other do unto you. 

:)

I used to love this song

From where I'm sitting, I can see where I stand...

I enjoy spontaneity. 

I'm not very spontaneous, but I love when the people around me are. 

You know what I don't enjoy?

Sitting on my butt and watching tv all day. 

It's fine for a few hours...but get out and do something. 

Seriously. 

"I don't think I can take much of this anymore"

I also don't like it when I don't get my way. 

But, honestly, who does?

It just really sucks. 

It even sucks worse when the person doesn't give you a good reason for why you're not getting your way. 

You know what?

I'm a very responsible person. The only thing I'm not responsible with is my money. And I'm working on it. I like to think that most, if not all, of my decisions are VERY responsible. Yeah, they may not be "textbook" perfect ideas or decisions. But I've never been in jail. I've never been in any big trouble with the law. I was never in detention is school. I've never been in a fight anywhere. I'm a good person. 

Shoot...I'm a great person. 

Why shouldn't good things happen to me all the time?

I sure as heck deserve it. 

I deserve the world. 

I'm sorry.

I'm in a mood. 

I'll get over it. 

Fun party at Jeryca and Sarah's tonight. 

(aka my apartment soon). :)

Sometimes you're gonna have to lose

Yesterday. Rain. Everywhere. Gross. Wearing good shoes. 

Today. Supposed to be thunderstorms. Nowhere. Ok weather. In rain boots. 

Really?!?!

Parked by my ex's car this morning. Many ideas went through my mind. Leaving a note (nice or mean), hitting it (with my car door, my bumper that's coming off, the tripod in my passenger's seat, or my fist), keying it (with my key of course), kicking it (with my foot of course), or just completely running my truck smack dab into it. I opted to just peek in to creep him out then walk away. Jeryca told me that he wouldn't have known it was me that did any of that stuff. But I'm thinking that my truck parked next to it might have given that away. If not, he might have had a few ideas. You never know, he might have made a lot of enemies since I last talked to him a million years ago. I could see that. He's a butthead. 

So it's official. I'm moving into the apartment with Jeryca and Sarah in the summer. I'm pretty excited. I turned in my lease(s) and my application yesterday and their mailing it to my mom today for her to sign everything. Then it will be completely official. :)

We took pictures last night to put on our walls. They didn't turn out too great, but it's ok. 

Friday Jeryca and Sarah are throwing a black and white cocktail party that I'm going to. It's going to be wonderful. We'll have more opportunities that night to take better roommate pictures. We'll be all dolled up. :)

So, I dyed my hair over spring break. Unfortunately the dye likes to wash out pretty quickly even though it says it's permanent hair color. Whatever. I'll just try a different brand next time. But I really love this color. A lot. 

I've never been a big fan of sweatpants. I've just never really owned a pair. Well I have a pair now. And they're amazing. And I'm wearing them as we speak. Amazing. I really see how people could just wear these all the time. I could totally see myself living in them for a while. :)

I'm also wearing Kevin's AC(lightningbolt)DC shirt. It's pretty cool. He never wears it and I needed a shirt that was a little bit tighter on me so I didn't look like a boy in my sweatpants. :)

I like smiley faces. :)

I really want to see the Hannah Montana movie when it comes out. It actually looks pretty good. I also want to see I Love You, Man. Kevin won't take me. He wants to see it with his "boys". Whatever. 

I have work tonight. I need money. So it's a good thing. All my friend tell me to go donate plasma for money. I tell them no. 

Me+needles=a bad idea

Welllll...it's getting close to time for me to go to history class and prepare some more for my test next week. Yipeeeeeee. 

"There's always gonna be another mountain. I'm always gonna wanna make it move."

Like It's A Bad Thing

So, it happened. 

I saw Gary. 

It was amazing. 

He played 14 Songs:

She's So California

Right Where I Need To Be

A Feeling Like That

It Would Be You

Nothin' On But The Radio

Learning How to Bend

Best I Ever Had

Life Ain't Always Beautiful

Alright Guy

Like It's A Bad Thing

Drinkin' Dark Whiskey

Songs About Rain

Man of Me

Watching Airplanes

A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!!

I've seen him three times now and this was by far the best! And I was probably the furthest away from him that I've ever been. Oh well. I'm determined to see him in a small venue soon. I really want to go to Vegas for New Years and see him at the House of Blues, but I really doubt I'm going to get the money for that. 

He's just so awesome. 

I love his voice. 

I love his lyrics. 

I love him. 

Ah!!!!

Ok, so...rest of my spring break. 

I haven't done TOO much. 

Friday:

Got home. Trevor got a new kitty. Named her Marie. I find this very funny because my best friend's name is Marie. But we had to stick with the Aristocats theme and that's the only girl's name left. Went to JC's Steakhouse and had an AMAZING steak. Ate too much. Played cards. Slept. 

Saturday:

Did laundry at the Laundromat because our dryer was out. Grocery shopped. Dyed my hair red"der". :) Chase came over and played cards with my family then Kevin, Dago, and Rene' came over and played for a bit. Slept. 

Sunday:

Church. Ate at Shanghai. Saw Watchmen. Pretty good, but lots of floppy blue penis. Ew! Went to Memaw and Papaw's and played cards. Came home. Played games. Cards or Dominos...I don't remember. Slept. 

Monday:

Chilled at home. Dad and Kevin got haircuts. Dad and Kevin picked up a new mattress for Mom and Dad. We climbed on Mom and Dad's new "Bed Mountain". Tif and Todd came over for dinner and dominos. Kevin and I went to Justin's to play games with some friends. Saw Rene', Dago, Justin, Lauren, Kay, Becky, Nick, James, Katie, and Mason. Lots of fun. Played Uno, Charades, Signs, and Mafia. Came home. Slept. 

Tuesday:

Chilled at home with family and Kevin. Went to lunch at Carinos with Jeryca. Bought a new phone cover. Walked around Rue 21. Didn't buy anything. Got my hair cut at Mastercuts. Trimmed really. Didn't have enough money. Mom had to bail me out. Boo. :( Went to eat at Victoria's with Kevin, Dago, and Rene'. Went to the rest of Trevor's baseball scrimmage. He got hit in the mouth with a ball while on 2nd base. I call him "Fat Lip". :) Played dominos. Slept. 

Wednesday:

Took Random to the vet to get her lady parts sewn up. (I think that's how you say it. lol) Checked out the new Shipley's. Hadn't had donuts for a long time. They were good, but made my tummy hurt. Played cards for a bit. Went to the rodeo. SAW GARY ALLAN. Rode to Nac with Kevin. Slept. 

Thursday:
Woke up earlier than I wanted to. Sat around Kevin's and didn't do much of anything. Ate lunch around almost 3 at Cotton Patch. It was pretty dang good. Went to WalMart. Went back to the apartment. Played cards and a few other games. Then did not much of anything until we decided to play more games. Lol. Slept. 

Friday:

(Today!)

Woke up later than I wanted to. Had some cereal. Realized that we needed to leave Nac soon. Helped Kevin clean up around the apartment. Bought a Lumberjack Basketball Championship shirt from the bookstore. Started home in the front seat. Moved to the backseat. Fell asleep. Thought I heard Gary Allan in my dreams. Turns out it was my text message tone. lol. Got home. Did lots of yard work with the family. Showered. Took Trevor to Memaw and Papaw's. Came home. Ate. Had a smoothie. Waiting to go get Twilight!!!

Ok. :) Spring Break done. Almost. 

So, I've decided I'm going to learn to play the guitar. It's going to be amazing. I'm then going to start writing songs and singing them and it's going to be wonderful.

"Believe me girl someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar..."

Yesterday's Rain

I hate forgetting things. Sometimes I think I have everything in order...then BOOM...I realize that I've forgotten something and then I don't have too much time to do it in. Unfortunately it really sucks when you have to have someone else involved in it. So not only do you have to find time for you to do it, you have to find time for that other person to be there. Blah. 

I'll get it taken care of. 

Hopefully.

I'm so ready for Spring Break...only two more day!!!

And only 7 more days till I see Gary Allan at the rodeo. I'm so freaking excited about that. Maybe this time they'll have a tshirt in my size so I don't have to get a tank top that I've never even worn. Maybe I should make that into a pillow or something. Hmmm...

I don't want to do to work tonight. I need the money though, so I have to. Plus I get a whole week off for Spring Break, so I really shouldn't complain. I'm just really good at complaining...

I wish things were just easier to understand. Like friends for instance. I wish I could read their minds and see what they are really thinking about me. Who knows if they really like you or not. You can say you like someone all day, but they'll never know your true thoughts. 

It's raining today. I don't have my umbrella. I'm wet now. :( Not very fun at all. My hair already looked bad enough this morning, now it's just horrible. Horrible. 

I feel like crawling in bed and watching Disney movies all day. 

I think I'll do that on Friday night when I get home. Good idea. 

Well...Kevin's about to be out of class, and I have to walk to News Writing. 

"It's better to have loved and lost than not at all. But I still love to feel it fall. Yesterday's rain."

Puttin' Memories Away

As most of you know, my great-grandfather passed away this week, and today we had his funeral in Madisonville. 

It was a nice service and tears were had by all. 

The viewing was last night at the Madisonville Funeral Home. We, my mom, dad, Trevor, and myself, got there probably around 4PM and had to stay there until 8PM when it closed. At first I didn’t think it was going to be too bad, there were going to be plenty of people there that I know and love, but after the first hour and a half I started to change my mind. Our stomachs started growling in unison and the sight of my great-grandfather’s dead body gave me chills every time I looked at it. 

I’ve never been to a viewing as a member of the family so I wasn’t aware of what exactly we were supposed to do. Obviously you just stand/sit in the main room and people come in and talk to you. The thing that I found the most interesting was that when people came in they didn’t stay for a few minutes and leave, they stayed for a few hours and talked and talked and talked until they decided that they better go. 

Since we had enough time to count the ceiling tiles a millions times, my dad and I mostly listened to other people’s conversations and they prompted a conversation of our own. We asked ourselves the question “What is appropriate viewing/funeral etiquette”? 

You may think that this would be a simple thing to answer, but once you start thinking about it, you will find otherwise. 

It seems that people treat viewings as more of a family reunion than a time to view the body. People were standing no more than five feet from my Big Daddy’s body talking about their spring break plans and laughing hysterically. Many times stories that were being told were about my Big Daddy, but lots of them weren’t. My dad and I were lucky enough to hear one old man tell my Uncle Brett that he had bunions on his toes. Is that appropriate to talk about at a viewing?

Not only were we concerned with conversation topics, but also about things such as:

Is it appropriate for kids under the age of 6 to run around like it’s a playground?

Is it appropriate to wear normal everyday clothes to a viewing? To a funeral?

Is is appropriate to take pictures in the chapel?

Is it appropriate to take pictures of the body?

Is it appropriate to take pictures WITH the body? (Myspace style)

Is it appropriate to high five at any of the times during the viewing/service?

Is it appropriate to text?

Check your email?

Call someone?

There were many other thing that we discussed, but you’ll have to wait for our book to hear them all. 

We asked some of the people around us about these things. 

Mom says it’s appropriate to text if it is relevant to the situation. Like texting someone to tell them that I saw a picture of them at the service is ok, but not to text my friend to ask about her day. Mom also says it’s not appropriate to check your email unless it’s relevant. The problem with that one is that you won’t know if it’s relevant till you check it. Puts one in quite a conundrum. 

Like I said, my father and I are going to compile all of our questions and write a book. We already have the title picked out. 

Stay tuned. 

Of course this weekend was also a sad one. At the front of the viewing they had a slideshow of pictures from Big Daddy's entire life with some of his music playing in the background. We spent some of our time watching it and talking about the past. At one point I was holding my Uncle Brett's son, Kade, who is 5 years old. We were watching the pictures when all of a sudden he leaned back and whispered, "I wish Big Daddy wouldn't have died." Not ready for a 5 year old to say something like that, I was taken aback. At first I couldn't speak, afraid I would choke, but I just whispered back, "Me too Kader."

Later on we were standing a little closer to the casket when my cousin Garrett, who is about 7, walked up to see Big Daddy by himself. Now Garrett has never really talked to me. He's grown up only seeing me on Thanksgivings and Christmases, so he's never really known me too well. I wasn't sure how he'd react to me, but I decided I'd go see how he was considering that he looked very sad. When I asked him how he was he said "ok" so I rubbed his back and was going to walk away. He just stood there looking at Big Daddy. Then he took his wallet out and started opening it. I asked him what he had in there and he pulled out a penny. 

He looked at me and said, "I want Papaw to have this." (They call Big Daddy, Papaw)

He was too short too reach into the casket so I offered to put it in there for him. I asked if he wanted me to put it in our great-grandfather's pocket and he nodded "yes". 

After I'd placed the child's penny in Big Daddy's pocket Garrett looked up at me and said, with big eyes, "Will he remember me now?"

Just as Kade's statement had earlier, it took me aback. 

I was a little more prepared then. 

"Yes Garrett, of course he's going to remember you."

Then he walked away from me. 

Children handle and understand things so different than we do. I wish everything was as simple for us as it is for them. They really are amazing. We can learn so much from them. 

I really did have a nice time seeing all of my family. It's always nice since we rarely see them. 

Today Kevin drove from Nac to come for the funeral. It made it more bearable. I'm sure my tears would have fallen harder if he hadn't been there to hold me. 

I'm not sure if it was the fact that Big Daddy had passed away or seeing my Papaw cry that made me cry more. 

All I know for sure is that Big Daddy is in a better place than we are and I can't wait till the day I'm reunited with him in Heaven. 

I stand in awe of You

I have that song stuck in my head. And I'm not quite sure when I heard it last. Dad must have been singing it. 

I have so much to blog about. 

But I'm going to do it tomorrow. 

I'm tired. 

I need sleep. 

Big Daddy's funeral is tomorrow. 

Night. 

Some advice

 There's some fine advice in these words.

ONE.             Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO.       Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older,
their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE.          Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or
sleep all you want.

FOUR.        When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.

FIVE.            When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.

SIX.              Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN.         Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT.          Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have
dreams don't have  much.

NINE.       Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's
the only way to live life completely.



TEN.             In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN.        Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE.        Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN    When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer,
smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'

FOURTEEN.     Remember that great love and great achievements involve
great risk.

FIFTEEN.       When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

SIXTEEN.       Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for
others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

SEVENTEEN.  Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.



EIGHTEEN.     When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate
steps to correct it.

NINETEEN.     Smile when picking up the phone; the caller will hear it
in your voice.

TWENTY.       Spend some time alone!

I know I need to pay attention to all of these things. 

I'll blog for real later on. I'm going back to bed. 

This week is going to go by slow and painfully. 

Here we go...

Here it is. 3:27PM on my first day of my diet and I want the Thin Mints in the freezer. 

They're calling out to me. 

They want me to eat them. 

I can't. 

I have to keep thinking skinny. 

Skinny. 

Skinny. 

I want to be skinny, right?

I want to be able to go to the beach this summer and feel good about my body. 

Right?

Yes. 

By the time I'm 20 (four months and 23 days) I will have a kick butt body and everyone will bow down to me. 

Ok, maybe not bow down to me.

But I'll feel great. 

So here I am, chewing on my Extra gum, trying to forget about the delicious cookies tempting me. 

Sigh...

Work's going to be hard. 

Chips. 

Salsa. 

Nachos. 

NO!

Skinny. 

Skinny. 

I made a mistake...

I had starbucks. 

Bad, I know.

Especially on the first day of my diet. 

But I wanted it. 

And it was good. 

I only drank half of it before it started tasting too sweet. 

So, basically I wasted some money. 

Oops. 

Off to eat a salad now. They'll cancel each other out, right?

Oh and I thought I should just tell everyone since it was brought to my attention. 

I love my life. 

There are a few things that I would like to change. 

There are a few things that I would like to do. 

But all in all, I really can't complain. 

I do love my life. 

I just feel that my blog is a place where I can express the few feelings that I have that I usually keep locked in the deep blackness of my soul. 

So, I love my life. 

:)

And I get to see Gary Allan in 16 days!!!!

Can't wait!!

I wish someone would buy me Taylor Swift tickets. 

Sigh. 

It's a new day

I'm starting a diet today. 

I'm going to get up every morning and eat breakfast. 

I'm going to eat salads for my meals. 

I'll try to workout. 

It might not work. 

But watching what I eat will. 

Yay!

Too gone for too long

When am I going to be out of this phase of my life?

I hate it here. 

I don't like sitting around waiting for my dreams to take flight. 

I feel stuck. 

Why do some people have all the luck?

What makes some people better than others?

Why do they get the looks, the talent, the opportunities?

Why are the rest of us forced to make our own way in this world with no such luck?

This seems like an addition to my last blog. 

But I can't help feeling the same way all the time. 

I hate college. 

I hate working at a job that I don't like. 

But I have to keep going through both of those things until I "grow up". 

Well you know what world, I think I am grown up. Too grown up for what I'm going through. 

I may not be the smartest person in the world, but I'm too smart to be stuck in some of the situations I'm stuck in. 

I may not be the nicest person in the world, but I'm too nice to be stuck in some of the situations I'm stuck in. 

Not stuck. 

Yes, stuck. 

I think. 

Whatever. 

That's all I have to say. 

My eloquence is over for the night. 

Too many dreams were broken

I think my life is holding me back. 

I have dreams bigger than Texas. 

Yet here I am, trying to make it in this world. 

I dream of being able to dance like this:

I dream of being able to sing like this:

I dream of being able to act like this:

I dream of looking like this:

I dream of being an amazing mother of four. 

I dream of wearing Manolo Blahniks while walking down 5th Avenue.

I dream of winning the Best Actress award at the Oscars. 

I dream of having super powers. 

I'm afraid that I'm letting everyone down by not dancing like that, not singing like that, not acting like that, not looking like that. 

I'm afraid that everyone had an idea of how I was going to end up. 

And I'm not heading that way. 

I feel that I don't have my head on my shoulders. 

I feel that everything isn't right. 

I feel that there's more that I could do, but I just can't do it. 

I try to live up to everyone's expectations. 

I feel that I fail. 

I'm not saying that I don't love my life...

I'm saying that I would love my life more if it was working out like I'd planned. 

I'd always thought by now I would be engaged, preparing to be married.

Even though Kevin and I have discussed marriage, I don't think I'm any closer to it than if I was single. 

I never thought I would be a waitress. 

I don't really like it. 

Customers look at me like I'm insignificant in the world. 

Like I'm not special to anyone. 

Like my only purpose in life is to make sure their fajitas are on their table and their tea is full. 

I'd always thought I would do great in school. 

School chews me up and eats me for dinner. 

I'd always thought I would be in Hollywood by now.

But, alas...here I am...sitting in the Baker Pattillo Student Center at Stephen F. Austin State University in Nacogdoches, Texas.

Far away from my dreams. 

Traveling With Cats

Kevin and I went home this weekend. 

Sounds great, right?

Well it was...

other than the fact that we took Dutchess Rosalie and Random home with us. 

First problem happened on the way there. Dutchess decided that she didn't like being in her cage so she "relieved" herself. Let's just say that it wasn't a very pleasant smell so we had to stop in Diboll and clean her up. Luckily we had lots of napkins and a bottle of water in the car we I just threw water on her and cleaned up the mess. 

We were going to let her out of the cage to move around but since she was a bad kitty we decided to let Random out and make Dutchess stay in the entire time.

The second problem happened on the way back to Nac. We tried to let Dutchess ride without sitting in her cage because we knew she didn't like it. The first 30 minutes went really well, but then we realized there was something on her face. When we pulled over I noticed that she had "tossed her cookies" in the backseat. Kevin went into Buc-ees to get napkins to clean it up. It wasn't as hard of a mess to clean up because it wasn't all over the place. 

Since she was a bad kitty again, we put her in the cage and let Random out. Random started to get annoying so I decided it was time to put her away for the rest of the ride. After a bit we began to smell something. That's when the third problem was realized. Random had made a boo-boo in her cage. 

All would be fine if not fifteen minutes away from Nac I felt a soft back on my elbow. Random had ripped through her brand new cloth cage. 

After those four problems I have vowed that I will never EVER take my cats on a log trip without the proper drugs again. 

I want to live.

I read Marie's latest blog and it made me want to get out and see the world. 

I'm tired of being cramped here in Texas. Sounds funny considering this is the second biggest state...but still...gosh!

The whole world is out there...and it wants me! I want it!

I'm going to graduate from college...earn some money...and see it all. 

Paris. 

Australia. 

Paris. 

Norway. 

Paris. 

England. 

Paris. 

New York again. 

Paris. 

Canada. 

Paris. 

It's going to be amazing. It's going to make what I'm used to look like a little crumb of bread. And that doesn't look too great. :)

ANYWAY...

Ok day. One of THOSE days. You know...where you don't think you're going to get everything done...but it all works out in the end despite all the suffering you went through.

Yeah...one of THOSE days. 

Made like 46 bucks in tips tonight...so yay! 

Found out that Michael Johns will be releasing a single soon and his album will come out in May...so yay!

Of course I've missed the last two episodes of American Idol because of work...so boo!

And I missed LOST tonight...so boo! and yay! lol

I'm going to miss Grey's and Private Practice tomorrow because of work...but I think mom is recording them for me so I can see them when I go home on Friday...so yay!!!!!

OHHHHHH and...Kevin and I got a new kitty yesterday. We picked her up from the animal shelter. She is a siamese cat and her name is Random. I let Kevin pick out the name because it was a girl. I would have gotten to name it if it was a boy. I guess I'll just save Jasper for the next animal we get. (A puppy. :) )

 Kevin and I are going home on Friday for the first time this semester! It's been toooooo long...I'm so ready to get there. And let Random meet Thomas O'Malley and Toulouse. She'll be my first cat in a while that I didn't name after The Aristocats. I figured I shouldn't name her Marie though considering that's my best friend's name. Might be just a little weird. Since that was the only cat's name left from the movie, I decided against it. 

Also on Friday is mine and Kevin's 6 month anniversary. It seems like we've been together soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much longer than that...but nope. Just 6 months. He's taking me to Outback Steakhouse on the way home. So excited! (Marie, I hope I got the song stuck back in your head now.)

Well...I'm going to hit the sack...long day ahead of me!

I always screw up.

Well I haven't blogged in a few days. Here's an update on my life.

I'm working at El Chico in Lufkin now. I didn't think I'd like working but it's really not that bad. I like making tips every night. The people are pretty nice. I mean, they have their problems, but for the most part they're easy to get along with. Last night I made $56 dollars in tips after working 2 and a half hours and then today I worked all day and make over $100. Made me pretty happy. Even though I worked all Valentine's Day.

Speaking of Valentine's Day...I got Kevin Saw V, a thing of skittles, and a card. He says he ordered me something and supposed to be coming in the mail. But it's not here yet. So he didn't get me anything for the actual day. And while I was at work from 9 hours he didn't do anything. At all. Needless to say...I'm not very happy about that whole ordeal.

I took my first two tests of the semester on Thursday and Friday. I feel pretty confident about the one on Friday, Sociology. I'm not so sure about the one on Thursday, History. History kicks my butt...it always has. I have no idea how to get it in check. I try and try and try. And study. It and I just don't click.

Marie and I got "friendship streaks" in our hair on Thursday. We found a place in town that does hair extensions so we got them to give us both a purple one in our hair. They are pretty rad and we look amazing with them! After that we went to see "He's Just Not That Into You", which was an amazing movie. I would highly recommend it to anyone and everyone. Of course when you go make sure you don't sit behind a big group of 30-something year old women that talk the entire time. They're out there. And they'll ruin your movie experience.

I guess that's it for now. I've been at work all day and I can't even think of anything creative to say.

I need a smoke...if only I smoked.

Fish swim.
Birds fly.
Lovers leave by and by.
Old men sit and think.

I worry and stress.

About everything.

EVERYTHING.

I wish I didn't care about things so much. It seems the people that have an "I don't care" attitude really have it better. They don't have to sit and think about things that may go wrong. Things that probably could never ever go wrong.
I bring this up because here we are again...nearing Valentine's Day. This is a bad holiday. I can't think of a better word other than "bad". The people that aren't in relationships have to spend the time from December 26th to February 14th hearing and seeing things about love. Everything about love. How love is amazing. The people that ARE in relationships get all the stress though. What gift to give their loved one. I'm totally confused by this holiday. (Why it's an actual holiday I'll get into later). Is it a holiday where you get a big, expensive gift for your sweetie? Or just a holiday that you give a card that sings? I may never know the answer to this conundrum, but this dang holiday will always haunt my thoughts.
I shouldn't be worried about one single day in the year. I have many other things to be thinking about.
My new job.
My history test.
My sociology test.
My ever increasing weight.
My bank account.
My rocky relationship.
That's just to name a few.
There aren't enough minutes in the day to cover all of my thinking and worrying...that turns into uncontrollable stress.

Grammy Blues.

I think the only thing right about the Grammys last night was Taylor Swift. She was beautiful like always. And even though Miley wasn't wonderful in their duet or Taylor's song "Fifteen"...it rocked more than the rest of the performances.
(I can't judge Kenny's performance because I was not in front of the TV at that moment.)
I would have loved Carrie Underwood's performance if the sound would have been right. You would think that with all the hype of the Grammys they could at least have the sound working properly. You could tell that she was giving it all, you just couldn't hear her. Even though her outfit was a little different, it matched her mic...so that was amazing to me. :)
I first have a bone to pick with whoever dresses Coldplay. Now, I'm not a huge fan of this group or their type of music, so I can't really judge their performance, but I do know fashion. And I can tell you that what they were wearing was NOT something that needed to be worn. Whoever they have dressing them needs to be fired. Maybe not just fired. They should be forced to stand in the middle of Times Square...naked...with a sign around their neck that says "Punch me. I rob good people of their fashion sense."
While I'm on the subject of Coldplay...what genre are they actually? Not rock. That isn't rock. I really don't know who thinks they are. But...maybe they should stand next to the naked stylists in Times Square.
Next...What in the hell were they thinking when they let M.I.A. perform on her due date??? Could you imagine the pain she had to have been going through? I've never been pregnant, so I'm probably not the best to say what she was feeling. All I know is that if her water had broken on stage it would have been mass confusion. What if she would have just popped right there in the middle of her performance. I don't think that the performance would have lost any of it's..."spunk"...if she wouldn't have been there. And the world would probably be a little better off if they wouldn't have seen that outfit they had her in. I felt bad for pregnant ladies everywhere. (Another candidate for the Times Square treatement.)
Let's go to the Group/Duo category. What is a Group or a Duo? It is two or more people singing in a group or a duo...right? Well...most people that know me know that I'm a HUGE Rascal Flatts fan and have been since before they were huge themselves. So I was, of course, pulling for them to win. Luckily for them...they are a group. They all sing. Not just Gary. But JoeDon and Jay actually sing on some of their songs. I don't know if you have ever watched Sugarland perform or heard them sing, but it is Jennifer Nettles singing and this guy playing a guitar. It is not a duo. Jennifer is a solo artist and she has a guitar player. I mean...who can even tell me that guitar players name? I know I can't. I'm sure Shania Twain has a guitar player but you didn't see her winning duo awards. So, I'm not very happy that Sugarland won the Group/Duo award. It was clearly Rascal Flatt's award and next year the Grammy people better have it right.
Now...what was up with Blink-182? Why do they think anyone would want them to come back? What are they going to contribute to the music industry? I don't think they're going to last very long this time around. I think people have grown out of that stage. They have grown up. Release an album if that's what you feel you need to do...then crawl back under your rock. I'm sure that won't bug anyone.
(I'm going to take a break in my Grammy rant to tell everyone that I hate my neighbor. His name is Tim. He sings. Wait, no...he doesn't sing. He screams. And sounds like some kind of ugly animal dying. One of these days I'm going to start belting out some country song and annoy the hell out of him. He is singing right now..."Baby, I'm sorry that I didn't go to your party!"...something like that. I have no idea. It's stupid. And he sucks.)
(Oh and did I mention that he wears tight girl pants. He and his emo girlfriend share pants I'm pretty sure.)
Ok...back to the Grammys.
Another thing that most people know about me is that I'm not a huge Allison Krauss fan. Am I the only one that had never heard of the song that she and What's -his-name did together? I don't even know the guy that she sang with. Every single other collaboration that was nominated was better than that song. They were all things that people had heard of AND they were just better. Period. THEN...they won best album? What? They had more songs together? Who bought that album? I've already mentioned that I don't like Coldplay, but I would have rather them won the award.

I think I'm done with that. I'm just ready for the Oscars. Hopefully they won't let me down.

Grammmmmmy Night.

Just chilling in Kevin's apartment watching the Grammy's on his big TV. It would be wonderful but we don't have the same opinion on music. And I mean NONE of our opinions are the same. We don't even have the same opinion on opinions. Good grief. It's going to be a great couple of hours.

I have a lot of studying to do. I have my first History test and my first Sociology test. I'm hoping I do good in both...but we'll see. I also have work this week so I won't have that much time to study. I'm basically going to have to put everything else aside other than sleeping, studying, and eating. Great. I don't like doing that.

I hate school.

I've realized that again. Totally not what I like doing. And I still have at least two more years of this. Gahhhhhhhh. At least I have friends.

I want a sprite.

I want Kevin to hang his posters up. They're just sitting on the floor.

I want to watch Twilight.

I don't want to work anymore. Three days was enough for me.

I'll like it when I get paid I guess.

I've been having really good, but weird, dreams. I can't share them with anyone. And I think I want them to come true. But they can't.

Weird.

I want to go to New York.

I want to escape from the world.

I want my hair to be more red.

I love Taylor Swift. She's so pretty and she writes songs that are amazing!

Miley Cyrus rocks my socks off too.

I love my kind of music. And I don't mind if anyone makes fun of me for it. It makes me happy.

I want the glam and the glitz of life.

What happens during the 8 hours I sleep at night. That's a long time that I'm not aware of.

I want to have kids...I'm just not sure I'll ever be able to handle it.

I wish I could dance like the Pussycat Dolls.

I want money. It makes me happy. Happier than most things/people can.

I really don't like Allison Krauss.

I miss my parents...but I would never want to go back to my childhood. I like being independent. But on that same note, I don't like being financially independent. I don't think I can handle the responsibility.

I wish I was great at one thing.

I don't know why I'm not smarter...I was raised to be smarter than I am.

I don't like people watching over me while I'm writing things. On paper or on the computer. It really bugs me and makes me want to just stop completely. I feel that they are judging me.

What are animals thinking?

These are things I think of.

I should write a news column

Today I found out how obsessed I really am with Sex and the City.
In class we had to tell of our "guilty pleasures" and I of course went straight for what I enjoy to do every day. Watch my four girls battle through the problems that I've already seen them tackle a million times. I didn't just tell the class that I like it. I told the class that I own the complete series, I watch the reruns on TBS, I own the movie, I own the books, I have posters on all of my walls, I have a shirt that says "I'm a Carrie", and my dog's name is Carrie. My professor looked at me and said, "I guess you really are obsessed."
If you would have seen the look she gave me you would understand how I felt.
I wondered if my obsession had become more than just an enjoyable time away from reality. Had I become one of the people that live more in the television than in their real life.
I suppose I have.
I can tell you the last time that I used a SATC reference to explain something happening in my life, but I can't tell you the last time I used a historical reference to explain...anything.

I also made a friend today which made me happy. A random, talkative girl names Lauren bumped into me. And now we're going to eat lunch. Exciting stuff.

Going to lunch...so I'll blog more later.

These days have been good to me.

I think we have to go through bad times to appreciate the good times.

Kevin and I had a talk the other night and he said something about me that I took offense too at first, then later realized that it's very true. I never remember the good things in life, I always remember the bad times. The times people have hurt me. The times I have hurt people.
That was a horrible night for me. I realized many things about myself that I don't like.
I'm going to change them. I won't be able to do it all at once, but little by little I WILL be a better person.

I want to be more creative. I want people to read my blogs and get a new perspective on life. I want teachers to see my work and think to themselves, "This girl knows what she's talking about and just might make it in this world". I want my parents to know that they did a good job, and I'll be able to take care of myself. I want my friends to know that they made a good choice in deciding to stick with me.

Gary Allan soothes me. Every song sings to my soul. Even if the content of the song doesn't directly connect with my life, his voice just makes everything right. Nothing seems wrong while he is singing. In saying that, I get to see him at the Houston Rodeo on March 18th. Words can't express how happy I am about that.

Other artists know how to reach me also:

Taylor Swift

Rascal Flatts

Maroon 5

Dierks Bentley

Jessica Simpson

Carrie Underwood

Garth Brooks

Casting Crowns

John Legend

Pat Green

I just love music. Obviously you can tell that I listen to a lot of country. I think that some people don't think that country songs are as poetical as other genres. This is a horribly wrong stereotype. The only thing different with country and other types of music is that most country artists come out with their feelings instead of masking it behind a metaphor. Yes, some of them do. But most of them come out and say it: "We believed in love forever, but I guess we were wrong." That's probably why I connect with it better, I don't like to analyze my music.

I like having earlier classes.

I hate waking up early though.

I like feeling like I've accomplished something before noon.

I need to work out. I ate too much yesterday.

Today in sociology we talked about fairy tales and how they influence little girls to think about themselves. We read an article by a woman that didn't want little girls to think that they could get what they wanted in life (handsome prince, pretty clothes, and a "happily ever after" ending) with just beauty. She wanted to let girls know that they have to have intelligence in order to get things. She also wanted little girls to know that when they were looking for the things they wanted that their prince wasn't always going to be an actual "prince", that he might have a few dents in his armor. What she basically was saying was that even though these fairy tales are good, they needed to be altered by the people telling them to fit the teachings of the parents so children would learn what was true in life.
I know that there is a difference between fantasy and reality and that everyone needs to know that difference. But I also believe that when you are a little kid you don't need to know all the dangers of the world. It is a horrible place out in the real world and knowing that there might not be a prince out there for you is something that a four year old in princess pj's doesn't need to know. There is no reason to ruin the imaginations of little girls everywhere just so they are prepared in life. At least wait till they are old enough to know the difference between fiction and nonfiction (which is easy to say, but is actually a tough thing for most kids to learn). There shouldn't be grown adults walking around and waiting for their princes to ride up on great white stallions, but let the little girls keep searching for their glass slipper.
The problem most girls in my class had with the fairy tales was that it painted the women as weak. I don't know what is wrong with me if that is right, because I like to be taken care of. I want a man to rescue me from harm and make me his princess.
Of course that is coming from someone who doesn't want a real job and just wants to be a stay at home mom, so I am probably different than the working women of the world.

"I'm just no damn good am I baby...
Every day I go a little more crazy."

I wish I could be a little kid for the rest of my life.

I wish I had a DVR here in Nac so I could study on the weekdays and watch my shows on the weekends. I hate having to watch in regular time.

I want to go to a new place soon.

I like to travel.

I can't wait to go home though. Just for a couple of days. I think I will be very happy when that happens on the 20th. And I know Dutchess will be happy to see Thomas and Toulouse. Carrie better be happy to see me.

I'll take her to the park.

Every day I start to think that I might like to be a writer. I think I could do it. Not a journalist (that's my current major). A writer. Books. I could do it. I'm a romantic. They'd be good books. I could take some creative writing classes and be set.

I'd still have to teach until I made it big.

It happens to the best of us.

"You don't know a think about me
unless you know how much
I need to be with you"

I love being in love.

Walking around campus holding hands.

Makes me ready for spring.

And Valentine's Day.

sigh

Kevin and I went to the poster sale today to look for posters for his apartment. I hate how it's so bland in here. I think he found a few things he likes. Not really my taste, but I don't have a say until we get married...so I just let him pick what he wanted. I'll take anything as long as it gives this place some flair.

"She wants her nails painted black
she wants the toy in the cracker jack
she wants to ride the bull at the rodeo."

I painted my nails black the other day because I wanted a change.

My dad mailed me three boxes of cracker jacks...I ate won...lost the other two.

Did I mention that I'm seeing Gary Allan at the rodeo? (There will be bulls there too).

I turned in 14 applications last week. No one has called me back yet. It's hard times these days. I made a bad choice. Lost a guaranteed job. Mom's mad. That's life.

It's not what happens to you, it's how you react.

That's what my dad always says. I think I'm finally understanding it and taking it and using it.

Harder than it sounds.

I've always searched for the one thing in my life that would make everything else make sense. I'm believing to think that it's not really out there.

"Life ain't always beautiful
tears will fall sometimes.
Life ain't always beautiful
but it's a beautiful ride."

Is it me?

I'm not going to open this blog with a lot of nonsense talk. I'm going to get straight to the point.
I think I push my friends away.
I don't try to. I love my friends. But my friends are always changing. I mean, I have a lot of the same friends as I've always had. But the statuses of my relationships change.
I've always dreamed of a fairy tale life where you grow up with one person and they're your best friend and they're yours...but that just hasn't happened for me...and there's nothing I can do about it. It seems that every time I label someone as my "best friend" I end up pushing them away somehow.
Here is my friend cycle: Friend. Close friend. Best Friend. Close Friend. Friend. And who are you?
On a different, yet same, note...I found out rather recently that nobody was a huge fan of mine in high school. I know that that's in the past and that high school kids are immature and tacky like that, but I do have feelings and it still hurt. Just knowing that part of my life was a lie. That I spent my time trying to impress and be there for people that didn't care about me the way I cared about them.
So that leads me to believe that maybe at some point I was their friend, and they did like me...but maybe I just pushed them away.
I don't know what leads to this. Maybe I'm afraid of someone hurting me first, so I try to make the first move. I don't think that's correct because I hate hurting people. If I know that I'm hurting someone I try to stop it or make up for it. Or maybe it's just because I'm a bad person. I wasn't raised to be a bad person...and I really don't think I am, but I'm not sure there is another explanation for what is happening.
Basically I spend all of my time outside of class with Kevin. I love that. Really I do. The reason I am in a relationship with Kevin is because I do want to spend the rest of my life with him. But it seems that my friends don't like hanging out with "Jordan and Kevin" all the time.
That leads me to my next point.
How do you decide how much time is the right amount of time to spend with your friends vs the time you spend with your significant other?
I really don't know. Like I said, I love spending all of my time with Kevin. But I know my friends want their Jordan back. That's pretty much all there is to say on that topic.
Basically the same thing though...how do you handle your friends that aren't friends with each other? I'm already having to spread my time out between friends and boyfriend...how much else am I expected to do? Part of me wants to tell my friends that they can get over it and spend time together if they want to see me. But then the other part of me just wants to please everyone and try to spend time with every single person individually.

I bring all of this up because I have realized lately that some of my friends don't want to hang out with me as much. And if they don't express it, they just don't talk to me as much. I don't want this to seem like a "pity blog"...it's just what's on my mind lately.

All in all...I'm glad I'm in a relationship. Because if I wasn't, I'm sure I would die a crazy old cat lady.

Been on my mind...

As you may know going to movies is one of my favorite things in the entire world. I like just watching movies at home as well, but actually getting dressed and putting on make up and going to the theatre and paying a million dollars to see a brand new movie just makes me a happy camper. This is what I expect when I go to the cinema. I expect to arrive at the theatre and walk into a nice place where everyone is in their respective lines getting their tickets and popcorn. I expect to pay too much for my tickets, too much for my concessions, and then have to sit in a seat that is too small for my round bottom. While I am sitting in that uncomfortable seat I expect to be surrounded by other excited movie-goers that are ready to enjoy the next two hours of entertainment with me. When the lights dim I expect to be left in a silence so quiet that I can hear my fellow companions breathe in the anticipation for the previews to start. When the previews do get rolling I expect everyone to watch them as if they've never seen them before. Even though I see most previews about 10 times before the movie comes out, there could be someone in that theatre that is just now getting the oppurtunity to see the trailer for the first time. After I hear about the coming attractions I expect the silence to continue through out the entirity of the feature film. Not to say that I don't expect laughs when they are meant to be had, sniffles when they are prompted, and screams when they are extracted, that's supposed to happen if a movie is good enough to deserve them. After the movie is finished I expect everyone to pause for a little bit, take in the film, and then discuss it on their way out to their rides, taking their trash with them.
What I get is another thing entirely.
When I arrive I am greeted by a million children screaming profanities at each other, wearing things that I wouldn't catch a hooker in, with no parent in sight. After a few minutes of trying to figure out if the short, annoying people are actually in line or just gossiping about what Jill and John did last night, I get to buy my tickets. (The ticket prices are one of the things that are expected that actually occur.) My party and I weave in and out of all the kids throwing popcorn around the lobby and get into our assigned theatre. After we sit, waiting for the show to begin, we are surrounded by people that look like they really don't want to be there, like they had better things to do with their Friday nights. After the theatre is filled and the movie is about to start the crowd is pretty unruly, you couldn't hear a lion roar if you had hearing aides. When the previews begin the sound rarely ever quiets down. This annoys me, and I know a lot of people who agree with me, because the previews do happen to be one of the best parts of the movie going experience. But, you know, it's just the previews, I didn't pay for that. So I wait for the feature to start. Once it does, you do still hear a few whispers and giggles for a while. If everything else that had happened wasn't bad enough, you get a group of about 5-8 pre-teens "movie-hopping" into your movie 45 minutes after it started. And they don't come in quietly. Lord no. They come in sounding like a heard of cattle, mooing all the way. After 20 or so minutes, half of them decide they want to see something else and they leave with their tails behind them. Also, no matter how many signs say to "silence your cell phone" there is always a rap song that starts playing in the back of the theatre that you know doesn't belong in the middle of the drama that you are watching. Depending on the age group that is watching the movie, I always hear laughs at the wrong part. I don't know if some people just don't know what funny is, but before they go to a dramatic movie about a mother losing her son they need to figure it out. After the movie is over I continue to take in my surroundings as others jump over the seats, yelling to their friends, and leaving their trash behind on the floor for someone else to pick up.
Recently I went with a couple of my friends to see the Angelina Jolie movie Changeling. She is nominated for Best Actress for this movie so I figured it would be a great movie, and I was correct. The movie was amazing. The only problem was that I watched it at a college movie theatre. You wouldn't think that college students could be that rude. I wouldn't think it. If you walked into that movie theatre while that movie was going on you would have thought that there were elementary students scattered in the crowd. Everytime Ms. Jolie got emotional and yelled, I stiffled tears, but the immature kids around me laughed. When a character did something triumphant there was cheering, whistling, and clapping in the crowd. I'm sorry, but they can't hear you. I can. And it's ruining my experience.
So please, if you are one of the people that like to ruin movie-goer's times, take my word to heart and please stop. The theatre is not a football game, it is a place of art that is meant to be enjoyed by everyone.
Plus, if we are paying that much to get in, we should get to at least hear the show.