Sunshine and Summertime

I haven't had a real vacation in a few years. Since Branson I suppose. When Kelsey asked me to go to Florida with her and her mom, I couldn't say no. A whole week away from everything? What could be better. Of course I'm not a huge fan of the beach. I hate sand everywhere. The water is usually icky. And it's just plain hot as hell. But it was a chance to get away from everything. All the drama and craziness of back home. Let me tell you, that part has been great. Getting away from work? Basically the best thing to happen to me in forever. 

I'm sitting out on our balcony looking out at the beach. It really is beautiful and peaceful. From far away of course. As soon as I step onto it I feel completely gross, but it's always worth a shot. 

This morning I was sitting under the umbrella down by the water reading Nights In Rodanthe by Nicholas Sparks, imagining how it would feel to finally get to walk along the North Carolina coast with the man I love when all of a sudden out of no where two dolphins started playing in the water in front of us. It was so amazing. Of course I've pet dolphins at Sea World, but to actually see them not in captivity, but in their natural habitat was just plain cool. 

I've always imagined a place like this to be romantic. A place you would go with the person you truly care about. But the people I'm here with use it as a place to get away from the men in their lives. If only I had a man in my life to get away from. Ha. 

It would be nice to come out here with a few of my friends that share my same outlook on the beach. 

Just driving around out here you feel footloose and fancy free, like there's no care in the world. No place to be, no one to please. Just yourself of course. And that's what we're all doing. Making ourselves happy. Kelsey and Becca love the beach, that's where they are, sitting on the beach in the sun. I love to relax and blog and watch Sex and the City and read, so that's where I am, away from the water in the shade. And the women, well they like to do a little bit of everything, and they do it. With their drinks in hand. :)

Well this sea water air is making my eyes water, so I'm going to escape back into my bedroom to read a novel and imagine myself to be Carrie Bradshaw, away from my lover on a tropical getaway. 

This place I'm in is not my home.

I don't like to talk about serious things. I prefer to think about them. I never know how to put my thoughts into words that will do them justice. 

I wish I knew how to though. It would help. I know that talking about my feelings would be able to take a burden off my shoulders. 

But as of now, I'm stuck with all of it. Alone.

I have so much on my mind these days. I don't know how to sort it all out. So many people to please that it's impossible to even try. 

I wish it could be like the movies, just call in to work and tell them you'll be gone and then pack up your bags and leave. Leave to anywhere. Just fly to the beach and rest for a week. Away from the noise and drama of life. When someone finds a life like that, let me know, because I will be the first in line to get one. 

I can't live a lie

Can a boy and a girl just be friends? Can they have a friendship that's just, "Hey, you're my buddy that I like to talk to and hang out with"? Can they hang out with each other without other friends without being suspected of a secret romance? It is possible isn't it?

I believe it is, but I may be wrong. I just need to make sure that what I believe is true. 

I like to think that I have a lot of friends, boys and girls alike. I'm not romantically attracted to 95.8% of my guy friends and obviously I'm not interested in dating 101% of my girl friends, so why can't I have one on one alone time with any of them that I choose to?

Some people think differently than I do and that really bugs me. I really don't think that an outside person should be able to tell me who I do and don't hang out with. 

I've needed to blog for a long time. Luckily I've built up some emotion so I can let it all out now. 

I've learned that I don't like being told what to do. Tell me what to do and unless you are some authority figure, I will probably do the opposite of what you say. I don't like to listen to my friends when they tell me who to and not to date. I don't like to listen to my co-workers when they tell me what to do (Hello, if you were my boss you wouldn't have the same job as me). I don't like to listen to my parents tell me to do chores. 

I realize that I need to do some of these things, (I always end up doing my chores, but for the sake of argument I'm stating that I don't like to) and some of them get taken care of. But really, don't boss me around. By all means tell me your opinion. I would love to hear it. I'm not in any way perfect so I need all the help I can get to live my life, but you telling me exactly what to do is not helping anyone. It just makes me angry and makes you look like an idiot. 

No, I'm not talking to anyone in particular. I've had many people do this to me lately. I ask for their opinion and they go overboard. Then it puts me in an interesting spot. I can either A) listen to their advice and do what they say so I won't hurt their feelings, but it may not make me completely happy, or B) don't do what they say and hurt their feelings, consequently losing a friendship and either being happy or not, who knows. So, when your opinion is called upon make sure you only give me your opinion, not a written out "How-to" manual on "How-to live Jordan's life". Trust me, if there was a good enough one of those I'd done read it by now. 

I'm trying something new these days. I'm trying to be a nicer person. But I've learned that in this day and age it is extremely difficult to be sweet to everyone you associate with. It very hard to say something nice all the time. I've become so accustomed to having a sarcastic or witty comment after everything someone says that they just fly out of my mouth without me even thinking about it first. 

This is quite a downfall in some cases. 

I anger my mom quite frequently with this new talent of mine. I also see it in my friends faces after I say something that hurts them. 

I don't know if it's because of what I watch on the TV or what I imagine to be the perfect lady that everyone wants me to be. But I do know that something needs to change in my life. I know that because I'm not happy. 

I've been happy before. I've been rather content a couple times in my life. This time is not one of them. I know I'm loved. I know people care for me. I know people would hate to see me gone. But I just feel empty and alone 90% of the time. That's a lot for someone that seems so outwardly happy. 

I've gone and turned this into a soap box and I'm sorry. I just needed to get a few things out on cyber paper. 

You broke my heart you know

Have you ever noticed that when you're heart breaks it really does hurt? Even though there isn't really a crack in your actual beating heart, there really is a sharp pain in your chest. And that pain is so horrendous that it makes you want to scream so loud that the whole world will wake up and feel the same agony as you. Whether it's a fresh break, or the re-opening of an old wound, it all hurts. 

I personally think that old ones hurt the worse. Because you aren't prepared to feel the pain again. You think you're over it. You think you've moved on. But your heart hasn't. It's not completely healed. I guess it takes the heart a little more time than your mind to forget about something someone has done to you. 

Why do you suppose it hurts so much? Who decided that when someone does someone else wrong that it would send automatic shocks of pain through their heart? I mean that's pretty harsh. It's like throwing lightning bolts straight through my chest. And it doesn't help that it comes with tears. Lots of tears. More tears than my pillow is meant to hold. 

Have you also noticed that when said breaking of the heart happens that every single memory of that person that committed the crime come rushing back like a waterfall? There's no stopping it. You remember every amazing and horrible thing about that person. And you don't want to. You just want to get some sleep and dream about happy times. But you can't. You are forced to sit up and rummage through old boxes of memories that you'd thought you'd locked in the basement of your (once-again) tormented brain. 

For future reference God, when you are making people, or even just women, make their hearts less breakable. It would save us a lot of pain. 

(Talking to the mirror, whispering your name. It's just like you were here. You'd think I was insane. I hold these conversations in the silence of my room, rehearsing all the things I'd say, should I run into you. How's it going, might be what I'd say. You broke my heart you know, or it looks like rain today. Or God I've missed since you went away. You're looking well or go to hell, might be what I'd say. There's time I've been so angry i could put my fist right through the wall and then there's times I've come so close to giving you a call. I love you and I hate you all at the same time and then I pray you'll come back to me before I lose my mind. -Gary Allan)

I hate poetry

It's the truth. I really don't like poetry. But the other night I couldn't sleep and wrote some. Not good by any stretch, so don't judge. Just a few scribbles.

"I lay here at night

actually the early morn

thinking of the things 

I've accomplished in my life

I've made someone laugh,

I've made someone cry

I've even made someone wish 

they never were alive

Some things I'm proud of. 

Some things I'm not.

But I have to be honest

I wouldn't change a whole lot

I've loved with my whole heart

I've hated with it more

Changing that part is one

that I wish I could

I've lived a pretty full life

For a girl of my age

I'm ready to write the next chapter

give me a fresh page"

I never know when to make poetry rhyme. I mean I studied it all through senior year, so I know some things. But I've always thought that poetry was jut left up to interpretation.

"Have I let you down?

And I what you planned"

Do I amount to everything you dreamed a little girl to be?

I look to you every day and wonder, 

"Do I make him proud".

I know you say I do, 

but you know I have doubts.

I spend all your money

and cause problems over little things.

Wouldn't you be happier with someone smarter, 

skinnier,

even prettier?

I've always thought myself to be 'Daddy's Little Girl', 

but are you tired yet of bailing me out of trouble?

You may be confused, 

this may take you by surprise

because we rarely fight or bicker.

I just thought I'd run it by you, 

in case you need a change."

I don't have any stanzas, or any format for that matter. I just kinda poured stuff out on paper. 

Blah. 

"What have I done, 

What did I do, 

to deserve this kind of life?

The kind that seems great, 

the kind that some may want.

When the truth is that I want more, 

that I yearn for more. 

More than I can get, 

More than is possible of achieving.

People see one side of my life, 

the side I don't hide. 

The glam and the glitz

That's what I try to be about, 

but there's another one, 

One deep down inside that few see.

It's not that dark, 

just a little gray.

Tainted by a past I'm getting over.

I'm not sad with my life, 

don't get me wrong. 

I just need to know what I can do

What I can do to help me move on

On from the past, 

onto the future

So tell me what I've done

to make things like they are."

Ok this last one is a little more structured. Inspired by Rascal Flatts' song, "Help Me Remember". :)

"Help me remember

the secret of life

is is only to become

the perfect husband or wife?

Or is it something different?

Is that not it at all?

Is it only to dance

Until the one day you fall?

Help me remember 

What it's like to be a child.

Is it only pure happiness, 

living every day running wild?

Or is it something different?

Do I have it all wrong?

Is it only complete bliss?

Oh, It's just been too long.

Help me remember

How is was when I was with you.

Was it only a passing phase?

Did you know you'd leave me blue?

Or was it something different?

Did you mean everything you said?

Was it only to save yourself, 

that you hurt me instead?"

Ok, so that's what I have for now. I wasn't going to share them with the World Wide Web, but It's 2:40AM on Monday morning...and I can't sleep...go figure. 

East to West

"You know just how far the East is from the West, from one scarred hand to the other"

Casting Crowns gets me through all of life's problems. Their lyrics are just absolutely amazing. 

There isn't much going on in my life right now. Just getting ready for finals and moving back home. I really really hope I do well on my finals. Tomorrow I need to go buy some note cards so I can make flash cards for my different tests. I'm planning on driving to my grandparent's house in Louisiana to study next weekend, so I won't be distracted by all the "distractions" here. I planned out my classes for next semester. Get to register tomorrow morning, 7AM. I'll be up registering...then going back to sleep. I'm going to have to have one class on Friday. :( Blah. Oh well. I'll be fine. Can't always have the perfect schedule. trying for 15 hours this time. English, History, 2 Communications, and a Theatre. :) Communication is making me have the MWF class. Intro to Radio/TV...I'll be fine. 

Speaking of that...I've decided for the time that I want to be a news anchor. That's right. The next Katie Couric right here. :)))

My cat Annie is missing right now. It's only been one day, so we shouldn't worry. But I worry. I worry every day about my babies. And I can't be there to look for her. I hope she shows up. Pray for her, please. She's so much like her mother, who went missing a couple years ago. Gosh I miss my cats so much. I CAN'T WAIT FOR SUMMER!!!!!

Not much to blog about. Other than I hate being a girl. Boys have it so much easier in every single way. I dare you to name one way that the girl has it better...that's what I thought. In no way. 

:)

"It's crowded in worship today as she slips in, trying to fade into the faces. The girls teasing laughter is carrying farther than they know. Farther than they know. But if we are the body why aren't his arms reaching, why aren't his hands healing, why aren't his words teaching? And if we are the body why aren't his feet going, why is his love not showing them there is a way? There is a way."

Playing solitaire till dawn...

...With a deck of 52.

So, that's not how the song goes, but I have all the cards in my deck. Hopefully, since it's online. They better not be cheating me! Even though that would explain a lot of losing. 

I was sitting here at 3:05AM on Tuesday morning and I realized that I hadn't blogged yet about Monday. Today was a pretty good day. Went to the lake, got a little red, went to class, learned easy cheesy stuff, went to lufkin, ate yummy food, planned out an entire road trip, and changed my myspace profile. 

Yup. I'm amazing. 

Thing is I want to take a shower, but when I was leaving my room in my towel I looked down the hallway and saw a police office standing there. I don't know what was going on (I'll look into it tomorrow), but I got scared and decided to put my shower off until the AM. 

And I guess I'm going to get back to solitaire for now. 

Night!