Thoughts of a Fabulous Drama Queen

My Memaw

2011-11-03T20:47:00.000-07:00

My Memaw's memorial service was today and I stood up and read this. I thought that I would share it with the people that weren't able to make it to the service. Maybe if you didn't know my Memaw, this will give you a little insight to how great she was.

I’ve always considered myself a very lucky girl. Some people never get to know their grandparents. I’ve been lucky enough to live these 22 years of my life with six loving grandparents. I was Memaw’s first grandchild and even though I know she loved all 7 of us just as much as the other, I always thought we had a special bond. I owe a lot of myself to my Memaw. I not only got my long, slender fingers from her, but also my thin, impossible to hold a curl hair. She and I found a way around that curse though: a perm. I remember the first time she permed my hair. I thought my eyes were going to burn up due to the horrendous smell and chemicals floating around in the dining room. I was so happy with my bouncy locks that I let her do it a second time a few years later. Looking back now I’m not sure if it’s the curly hair I wanted, or just more one on one time with her.

I also got my love of a few things from Memaw: Elvis, Conway Twitty, Matthew McConaughey, and my papaw, Curtis Smith. I guess by a few things, I meant a few men.

One of my first crushes developed watching Nick at Nite every time I stayed the night at Memaw and Papaw’s house. Memaw and I would watch “Cheers” reruns and I thought Ted Danson was very cute and I always wanted to go somewhere were everyone knew my name and find my own Sam Malone. That’s another thing I can credit to Memaw, I can’t go to sleep without watching TV first.

I know Memaw hasn’t painted much in a very long time, but her artwork is still scattered all over my parents' house. When Christmas rolls around every year I hang up a painting of a little redheaded girl and Santa Claus that she painted my first Christmas. I’m very sad that I didn’t get any excellent painting skills from her, hopefully she passed them down to one of the grandchildren.

When I was in 8th grade I wrote a paper for a contest and won a scholarship for it. It was called “Is Freedom Really Free?”. If anyone has been in my Memaw’s kitchen they’ve seen this paper. When I had her read it for the first time she loved it so much that she asked me to sign it so she could hang it for the world to see. I don’t know if I was happier that I’d won a scholarship from the VFW or because my Memaw was so proud of my work.

Speaking of Memaw’s kitchen. She was one of the best cooks in the world. I know we all have our favorite dishes, but the one I’m going to miss the most is her enchiladas. Every year for my birthday Memaw would slave away to make this perfect dish. That was a great thing about Memaw, she always let us choose our birthday dishes. This year for my 22nd birthday she told me that she was sorry, but she just wasn’t going to do it. I was sad, but I didn’t want to pressure her into it, I knew how long it took and I should just be happy that she was cooking me anything at all. When I walked into the kitchen the day of my birthday lunch there they were. Pans and pans of cheese, beef, and, my favorite, chicken enchiladas, a big bowl of guacamole, and homemade tortilla chips. I didn’t tell Memaw then, and I hate to rat my mom out now, but Mom had told me the day before that Memaw was making the enchiladas. She was going over to help Memaw prepare everything and let it slip why she was going over there. I acted surprised nonetheless and everything was wonderful. I have the recipe for her enchiladas, but I know they will never be the same.

One of my brother’s favorite memories also involves the kitchen. But it was Memaw teaching him how to cook Spam. If I’m being honest, that was one of my favorite things she would make us too. No one can fry a piece of Spam like Memaw can. Another one of Trevor’s favorite things about Memaw was how kind she was. For example anytime that he and Christian would stay over they’d ask her after Papaw went to sleep if they could build a fort. She would always let them and would even deliver their drinks and snacks to their fort.

Every time I've walked into the kitchen the past few days I've expected to see her standing at the kitchen sink or my the stove. When I pull out my cell phone at the kitchen table I hear her tell me to put it away. And I know when Christmas comes around I'm going to be looking for her everywhere I turn. My Memaw was an amazing grandmother and friend. I will miss everything about her and I know that everyone else here will too.

Bennie and the Jets

2011-08-18T20:09:00.000-07:00

"27 Dresses"
3 out of 5 owls
I love weddings. Everything about weddings and especially wedding movies.
This one makes me cry every time. But it hurts me to watch sometimes because I hate the little sister, Tess, so much and Jane ticks me off when she pines over George for so long.
But the awesome drunken "Bennie and the Jets" number makes up for it all.

Project: Every movie in the house

2011-08-18T14:33:00.000-07:00

My roommates and I have decided that we're going to watch every movie in our house in alphabetical order.
All the way from "10 Things I Hate About You" to "You've Got Mail".
I will be writing about them as we watch them and rating them on a scale from 1 to 5 owls.
Here we go...

"!0 Things I Hate About You"
4 out of 5 owls
I'm a sucker for any movie based on a Shakespeare play and this one is one that I often turn to, if not only for Heath Ledger's glorious locks.

"13 Going on 30"
3 1/2 out of 5 owls
The story is really cute and it's supposed to be, but Jennifer Garner is too cutesy for me. If her personality wasn't enough, she's got those crater deep dimples to top it all off with. I love her, but this movie usually makes my teeth hurt from how sweet it is.

Next up: "27 Dresses"

One-eyed hobo

2011-07-04T23:06:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wanted to impress someone so much that you don’t think it will ever be possible? It’s rather infuriating. The person just seems so out of reach, so out of your league, that you don’t think there’s anything you could ever do to make them go, “Wow. I want to spend more time with you”.
I think I’m a pretty interesting person, but I feel like I have a hard time conveying that to others. Most people probably see me as pretty shallow, but I have more to me. (I promise I do!) So why can’t I express all the other sides of Jordan Lea Smith to the people who seem exceptionally better than me?
I try to tell myself that these other people don’t have anything over me, that they’re just normal human beings like me, but it never fails that they will do or say something that makes me feel like an illiterate, one-eyed, hobo from a third world country. (I know that may be pushing it, but you get my point.)
So I have two options here: I can either, A) find ways to grow and better myself as an individual each and every day and hope to one day be successful and cultured enough to impress the person that I want to impress or B) try to accept me for who I am and stop trying to impress other people because in the end, people should accept me for who I am as well.
Or maybe even a combination of the two.

Falling

2011-06-26T21:48:00.000-07:00

I feel like I’m falling. Falling into the black abyss with no knowledge of when I’m going to land. Or what I’m going to land on. I may keep on falling forever. For all of eternity.

Why isn’t there anyone catching me? Where is everyone?

Last time I was on solid ground there were millions of people around. Now as I fall down this hole no arms are reaching for me.

I feel like I’m falling.
Head over heels.
Heels over head.
Spinning and turning.
Swirling and spiraling.

Quick rant.

2011-05-09T12:32:00.000-07:00

Why do I let people take advantage of me? Do I have a sign over my head that says "Hey everyone! Walk all over me! I love it!"? If so I need to figure out how to take it down because I really don't enjoy it. I do love being a nice person and I do love doing things for other people, but there is a point where enough is enough. Just once I'd like other people to do things for me. To think of me before themselves.
I always thought that you were supposed to treat people the way that you want to be treated. I don't know what is wrong with 95% of the population, but I wouldn't want to be treated the way they treat others. Oh wait, I already am treated that way. So why do I have to keep being the bigger person? Well, that's because I was raised better than that and would rather see myself hurt in order to help someone else.
Maybe I just need to grow a backbone.

What I like about you...er...me

2011-03-08T20:55:00.000-08:00

5 things I like about myself

1- My sense of fashion. I like to think that I know what I'm talking about when it comes to fashion. :)

2- The love I have for my friends and family. I don't think too many people love like I do. This can be a good thing and a bad thing though.

3- My ability to forgive people. I don't forgive everyone, ok I just don't forgive a few people, but I very easily forgive people. Just apologize and I don't see why you don't deserve a second chance.

4- My movie collection. It's pretty great.

5- My hair. Even though it's not as long as I'd like it to be right now, and it rarely ever does what I want it to, I get a lot of compliments on it, so that's cool.

:)

This was hard. I think I realized I don't like too dang much about myself.

Making history

2011-03-06T21:43:00.000-08:00

The Subject I love(d) most at college.

I LOVED History of the Cinema! Both classes about it that I took. If you know me, or read my blog at all you know that I love movies. So there was no reason I shouldn't have loved that class. Not only was it about one of my favorite things in the world, it was taught by an amazing teacher, so it was an all around glorious class.
:)

Just a short note.

2011-03-02T23:13:00.000-08:00

4. A short note to all of my exes.

Dear exes,
Thank you for making me into who I am today.
I'm happy we didn't work out.
-Me

Well that was easy!

memmmmorrrrry alll alone in the moooonlight!!

2011-03-01T16:05:00.001-08:00

5 most memorable things to happen in 2010:

1. My 21st birthday party! My dad's band played a private concert for me and my friends at a pool party. It was amazing! I had my friends, family, and just an all around great time! I can't wait for the next go around...well my 22nd. :)

2. Having my heart broken the final time by someone and then getting over it.

3. Moving into my first house. Even though it's just a renter, it's see an awesome step in life.

4. My Big Dip ceremony in May! I got my mentor ring from SFA. It's a huge step in life to have a college ring and I'm very proud of myself.

5. Going to throw a few together...Seeing Taylor Swift, Gary Allan, Lady Antebellum (twice), Miranda Lambert, Kellie Pickler, Gloriana, David Nail, and Eric Church in concert. :)

Bad angel get off of my shoulder now

2011-02-25T14:21:00.000-08:00

2. Lyrics to a song that fit my current mood/situation

"Bad Angel"

Bad angel, get off of my shoulder
Bad angel, let me be
I'm standing at the crossroads
of Temptation and Salvation Street

(Dierks Bentley)
I woke up bound and determined
That I would not light it up today
But one drag would stop my shakin'
Right now I could go either way

Bad angel, get off of my shoulder now
Bad angel, let me be
I'm standing at the crossroads
of Temptation and Salvation Street

(Miranda Lambert)
Well the cap is on the bottle
and the bottle is on the shelf
Should I take it or leave it?
Honey, how am I gonna help myself?

Bad angel, get off of my shoulder (get on off of my shoulder)
Bad angel, let me be (oh let me be)
I'm standing at the crossroads
of Temptation and Salvation Street

(Jamey Johnson)
Well I know I should not gamble
'Cause I can't afford to lose
She'd hang me from the rafters
By the laces in my old working shoes

Bad angel, get off of my shoulder
Bad angel, let me be
I'm standing at the crossroads
of Temptation and Salvation Street
Yes I'm standing at the crossroads
of Temptation and Salvation
Temptation and Salvation
Temptation and Salvation Street

It's the start of something new

2011-02-23T02:00:00.000-08:00

My horoscope for Feb. 23: You see what's wrong and you know what to do now. The time has come to make it real, and it's a lot bigger than any one person. Be cautious, emotions, perhaps coming from another person or event, oppose your life dreams and stifle any imagination you may have. This can result in an emotional confrontation. Ambition, practicality, and achievement are admirable, but they are means to an end - not ends in themselves.

Well I'm not sure how accurate this is going to be, since I haven't done anything today. Considering its 4 in the morning and I still haven't gone to sleep from yesterday. I'm trying to think about what's wrong. It could mean my job. It could mean that I just need to go up to work, get my last paycheck, and quit. That would make sense because that would be a very difficult thing to do, even though I know I need to do it.
It could also mean a few problems I've seem around our roommate situation. Nothing too harsh, but I think if I do confront people about it, there will be serious "emotional confrontation".
I suppose we'll find out in the morning...er...later today.

Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T12:56:00.000-08:00

Today is Valentine's Day. I've gone through a range of emotions already today and it's only 3PM. Considering I got out of bed at noon, that's pretty early to me.
I woke up mad. Mad that I woke up alone. Mad that everyone was posting "Happy V-day!" on their facebook walls. Just mad.
Then I hit the "I don't care if I'm single, I'm going to have a good day" phase. I took myself to Ihop and had chocolate chip pancakes. They were yummy.
On the way back home I turned sad. The stupid radio always gets me. Sometimes I'm happy for the love songs, but other times they just hit you the wrong way.
So here I am, stuck at work, sad.
I don't want to be like some people and say that I'm happy I'm single, because I'm not.
But I don't want to sit an whine all day either.
Unfortunately I'll end up doing the latter. I'll probably go buy myself some chocolate covered strawberries tonight and watch a sappy movie and cry.
So, yeah...Happy Valentine's Day.

A new thing I've learned to do. :)

2011-02-08T14:51:00.000-08:00

20 things about Jordan Lea Smith on Prezi

Introduction

2011-01-30T21:36:00.000-08:00

I’ve always thought of my life as the biggest movie of all time and myself as the tortured, hopeless-romantic, damsel-in-distress waiting for her prince charming to come make everything make sense. Of course, in my head prince charming looks a lot like Matt Damon, sings like Michael Buble’, and treats me like Tom Hanks treated Meg Ryan in every movie ever.
In reality I’ve just kissed a lot of frogs, more than I’d like to admit.
My first boyfriend and I had the makings of a storybook romance. Third grade boy meets third grade girl and they chase each other around on the playground and then they stick together through all the tough times of fourth and fifth grade. He buys her necklaces, she buys him cologne, they have a million chaperoned “dates”. Then one day at lunch during sixth grade the boy (oh who am I kidding...) Andrew sits with another table full of girls. A week goes by and we stay separate during lunch every day. (Lunch was always the cruelest part of the day in Jr. High). One day two girls turned around to me and said, “Andrew doesn’t want to be your boyfriend anymore.” I was so shocked. We’d spent three wonderful years together and it was over just like that? I was devastated. I barely made it off the school bus before I burst into tears and ran into my mom’s arms.
That was my first encounter with boys being complete jerks.
Over the years things just got worse.
Later on in my sixth grade year I fell in love with an older man, an seventh grader. He had band the period before I did so every day my best friend, Shanna, and I would wait outside the band hall for him to walk past and when he did we would giggle and blush all the way to our seats. One day I even said hi, and of course the giggles came harder. Looking back now I realize that 11 year old Jordan had no game (not that 21 year old Jordan really does either). Being in a small school, everyone knew of my obsession and it became a sort of joke. At the Valentine’s dance that year my friends got him to slow dance with me to Selena’s “Dreaming of You”. I was in heaven, but after that he rarely gave me the time of day. I pined over him for two years. When he graduated from Jr. High, so did I, I began dating a Sophomore in high school. Today he’s happily dating my old best friend Shanna. Funny how those things happen.
These days I wouldn’t call him a jerk, but back then I thought the fact that he wouldn’t date me was the worst thing in the world and I cried myself to sleep many nights. I don’t know how many times I’ve thought the worst thing possible was happening to me, but I think that’s one of the biggest things you have to know about me, I’m a bit over dramatic.
Back to that Sophomore. His name was Clint and he was one of my mom’s actors in the play “Hillbilly Hankerin”. He and I hit it off pretty quickly and he had a truck, so I thought I was set for life. We started dating in December and things went south in May. After 5 months and 11 days it ended with me saying over the phone, “Now don’t you go and tell your little friends that you broke up with me because I’m clearly breaking up with you”. (I thought I was feisty for a 13 year old.) After that I ran into the living room, into my mother’s arms, bawling. Even though I’d claimed I did the breaking, I blamed it all on him.
I know, still a bit over dramatic, but 13 year old me swore up and down that no guy was ever going to date her ever again. Luckily (or not) for me a few have since then.
This brings us to the beginning of the core of my story. This is also the beginning of my high school years.
As I mentioned before, I was in band. I played the the flute and couldn’t wait to march with the Mighty Leopard Band at Van Vleck High School. The band begins marching practice during the summer before school actually starts, so I had to opportunity to meet a few upperclassmen before I had to walk through the front doors of the school for the first time. Since this is where my “movie life” begins, let me paint the picture for you.
The scene is set in a small band hall: beige walls, dirty white tiles, black chairs and instrument cases strewn around carelessly. Students milling about reuniting with friends they hadn’t seen all summer long. There’s an old raggedy couch along one of the walls with seniors sprawled across it, clearly marking their territory and young freshmen hanging around them, trying to get noticed. A few over-achievers are already putting their instruments together, talking about music they’d like to play for contest, and then actually playing a few songs from past years.
Amongst all this is me. Even though I had a lot of friends growing up, I was always a shy girl and never liked to walk into places alone. I can’t quite remember how I arrived at the band hall that summer morning, it all blurred together once I saw him.

Stand Still, Look Pretty

2011-01-27T23:41:00.000-08:00

Stand by for important words from Jordan after this short song lyric break.
:)

I want to paint my face
And pretend that I am someone else
Sometimes I get so fed up
I don't even want to look at myself

But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I hate the way you look at me I have to say
I wish I could start over

I am slowly falling apart
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
You might think it's easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty

Sometimes I find myself shaking
In the middle of the night
And then it hits me and I can't
Even believe this is my life

But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I wish that everyone would go and shut their mouths
I'm not strong enough to deal with it

I am slowly falling apart
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
You might think it's easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty

-------

Now while I didn't write that song, I can relate to it in every way possible.
Sorry it's been so long that I've blogged. I wish I could say that it's because I've been incredibly busy, but I really haven't. I mean, I've started a new semester of college, I go to work a few times a week, but that's about it. Other than that I watch tv and just hang out with friends. I've just been trying to re-analyze my life. I'm tired of the way I look at myself and portray myself to others. I feel that I always talk about how much I don't like my life, how sad I am. Well even if I am sad about things at times, I'm living my life. I'm happy on the normal day to day.
They say you're supposed to discover yourself sometime in your life. I can tell you that I haven't discovered myself yet. I know what I, the 21 year old, wants out of life, but I don't know what I'm going to want 5, 10, 50 years down the road.
I'm sure things won't change drastically after a while, but I'm currently waiting for a "kick". You know like in "Inception", the slight jerk or fall that makes them wake up from the dream. Of course this is more of a blur than a dream.
I feel that at this young of an age I shouldn't consider my life a blur. I'm not sure that anyone should ever consider their life a blur. We all only get one life. You should document every day and cherish every thing you do. You'll never, ever have another January 27, 2011. Ever. That day is gone. Forever.

So here's what I did today:
Woke up at 9am. Ok, my alarm went off at 9am, I rolled out around 9:35am after a few rounds with the snooze button. Showered, got dressed, grabbed a redbull and headed to my first class. As I sat in Convention and Meeting Planning, not texting on my phone (the teacher said she will take it up high school style if she catches us), I planned out a centerpiece for a table at the VV Senior Serve. One of mom's students asked her to help with his table, and since I'm the "party planner" of the family, I get the task. I'm really happy about it though because this is the sort of thing that I love.
After that I left class and called and talked to my parents for a bit as they packed for the convention they are attending this weekend (TETA). I then dropped Truckie off at WalMart to get his oil changed and I moseyed around the store while I waited. Decided to buy the "Steel Magnolia" cd because I'm a fan of their first song, and thought it would be handy to sing along with in the car. Man was I right! When I got back in Truckie and popped the new cd in I was very happy with my decision. After that I made another decision: to eat lunch at a restaurant alone. Shocking, I know. But I did it. Had nachos at Posados all by my lonesome. It was refreshing actually. Spent a little more than I wanted to, but I enjoyed it. After dropping the leftovers back off at home I walked around Hobby Lobby for a while, just browsing. Promise. I then had the best idea I think I've had all month. I was going to vacuum Truckie out and run him through the car wash.
Let me tell you, I felt like the coolest person in the world doing this all by myself. I just imagined every guy that drove by me while I was doing this was thinking, "wow, that girl really knows how to take care of her truck. I need to give her my number". Of course no one did, but it helped me work. My new cd helped me work as well. And it didn't hurt that it was one of the most beautiful days I've seen in years. I had planned on running Truckie through the plain ole' Laserwash, but when I drove up the machine wouldn't take my money so I drove across town to the new "Zippy's Express Wash" and let him ride the conveyor belt through one of those really cool long "ride-thru" car washes. Man, after an oil change, a clean out, a vacuum, and a 5-star washing Truckie was on cloud 9!
After my grand adventure around town I settled down for a bit and went to my evening class for a little over an hour then hit up the sushi place with Stevie around 6. After sushi we watched an episode of Dexter then ran to the redbox to rent "The Kids Are All Right" and into Kroger to get some ice cream. I was disappointed in Kroger because they weren't carrying the brand of Vanilla Bean that I usually get. I ended up trying something new that was called "Madagascar Vanilla Bean". I'm not sure why these vanilla beans were from Madagascar but it set Stevie and me talking about the film and we decided she's the Hippo and I'm the Zebra. For obvious reasons...to us, that is.
While watching the Oscar nominated movie, (Yes, that's the reason we grabbed it. Trying to watch all the best picture nominees before the awards) the lesbian couple call each other by the pet names "chicken" and "pony", so naturally Stevie and I assign names to each other, she "pony" and I "chicken". We then decided to change our phones to our new names so when we call or text each other we will see our pet names. But as we did this we thought of other girl couples that we've assigned to each other. I ended up changing her name to "Pony/Ellen/Ellie" (Ellen DeGeneres and Ellie from Cougar Town) and she changed me to "Chicken/Portia/Jules" (Portia, Ellen's wife and Jules, Ellie's bff in Cougar Town. Needless to say, we were very proud of ourselves.
After the movie we watched two more episodes of Dexter and are now in bed. Pony/Ellen/Ellie is luckily asleep and I am here telling no one the story of my very full, very tiring day.
So good sir, or lovely lady, if you have read this entire blog, God bless you and yours.
Come back any random day where I just might document something worth reading.
Cheers!

One of the best men who will ever walk this earth

2011-01-21T16:37:00.000-08:00

celebrity profile

I love this man.
He sings the songs that get me through the day.
Gary Allan is my rock.

What a trip

2010-11-14T20:27:00.000-08:00

I love when I find something that I didn’t know I needed.

I planned to spend the rest of my weekend partying with friends and possibly not remembering any of it. It was Rugbyfest, what better to do, right? Last minute on Saturday night I decided to splurge a little and drive myself to the state line to see my grandparents in Louisiana. It was the best idea I’d had in a while. Driving the two hours to their front step was the most liberating thing. I got to jam out and just be myself for a full 120 minutes. Gosh I needed it. And I didn’t even know it till after it happened.

What is it about driving that makes me feel free? Is it the fact that I’m flying down the road at 70 miles per hour? Is it that I can turn my music up as loud as I want and it doesn’t bother anyone? Whatever it is, I absolutely love it.

While in visiting my grandparents my Grandmother and I took a trip to WalMart. There I learned one of the great things about Louisiana: liquor in the grocery store. As I was walking and gazing into all of the beautiful bottles of wine that I’m used to on the alcohol aisle I ran into a bottle of Jack Daniels. It didn’t quite click at first till I saw a bottle of Crown. I looked back, thought for a second and remembered that in Louisiana they can sell liquor in the grocery stores. I then quickly decided that I needed to buy something. I found a bottle of Belvedere and he was glued to my hand. Half the price of the one I bought in Texas for my birthday! Then I saw the Nuvo. It’s shiny pink bottle called to me. It went straight into the basket. Lately I’ve been craving Tequila Rose so I looked around for the tasty treat and found it sitting on a lower shelf, patiently waiting for me, so it joined the Nuvo in the basket and I sadly put the Belvedere back by the Ciroq. My reasoning was that I already had a Belvedere bottle for my collection and wasn’t going to buy three bottles of liquor on a WalMart trip with my Grandmother; two was plenty. I would have felt bad, but Gran herself had put some gin in the cart first. Needless to say, I’m going to have a few great nights in Nacogdoches once I get home.

I also splurged on the new Taylor Swift cd. I’ve been trying to avoid it, and I had done a good job so far. But I had a good tip night at work on Saturday and money burns a hole in my pocket, so here I am sitting on the bed listening to Taylor sing me into a blissful coma. I wish and pray to God every day to give me her talent. The way she writes her songs just gets me. I try to write my best, and in prose pieces it works, but I can’t write a song to save my life.

And I’d love to. I’d love to sit down and pour my heart out into a song, pick up a guitar, add music and sing it for the whole world, for my friends, just for myself.

Blogging

2010-11-11T14:08:00.000-08:00

I have been trying to blog for at least the past two weeks. I can't ever make my mind up about what I want to blog about. I don't want to sound redundant and write about the same thing all the time: I'm sad, I'm lonely, I want a boyfriend. I want to write something profound. Something that people will read, then sit back and go "wow, I never looked at it that way before". I've been told I don't need to push it. It'll come to me when I'm not trying. But still, my fans beckon me and I need to write something.

My indecisiveness about what to blog about did lead me to confront myself with the fact that I am not very good at making up my mind. It doesn't matter what it is. Let's go with a general example here. This morning I woke up in time to visit a couple friends at work before I started my day. I didn't want to waste time with taking a shower so I brushed my teeth, fluffed my hair and began the long staring contest with my clothes.

I looked at the pile on my couch, didn't see anything that appealed to me. I kicked around the lump of half dirties on the floor and decided on my favorite pair of jeans that I'd worn on Tuesday. Then I got to the closet. The t-shirts, sweaters, jackets, and other assorted tops glared at me, all calling to be worn. The problem this morning was that I didn't want to look like I was trying to look good. I wasn't going to waste time on make-up and my hair looked rough, so my outfit couldn't outshine my face. With everything in the closet looking too nice or too warm for the day I turned back to the lump of half dirties. I pulled on my cut-up, off the shoulder Old Navy sweatshirt thinking that it looked raggedgy enough to pull off the grunge look I was going for. I then remembered that I wore it on my quick trip to Kroger the night before, and also around the house all day on Tuesday, and to sleep on Monday night, my friends were probably getting tired of seeing it (and it should probably be washed).

Then I had the great idea to put on a relatively cute top with nice shoes so it would look like I care at least a little bit about how I appear to others. Like Oprah says, you never know when you're going to meet your Prince Charming, so you always need to dress to impress. I reached into the closet for my old standby, a pink, patterned shirt from Lane Bryant that is cut just low enough to let people know I'm a woman and flows out just enough to hide the biscuits and gravy I had last night. I looked in the mirror at myself, thinking I was ready to run out the door when I then realized that I had a huge black streak on the side of my pants. I'd worn them when I was painting with Caroline on Tuesday and they were now showing how artsy I am. I threw them back into the half dirty pile thinking that I needed to move them into the completely dirty pile and grabbed a pair of capris that I'd worn the day before. I moved back to the mirror and changed my mind again. The shirt coupled with my natural face made me look washed out and like I didn't know fashion at all. It had to go.

I was just about to crawl back into bed and forget all about the friends that I'd hoped to see before I had to get to work when I spotted my dad's old Dallas Cowboys sweatshirt laying on top of my clean pile of clothes. It, coupled with a green tank top, would be the perfect choice for my morning on the town. No one can blame me for looking bad because I was supporting my team (even though I'm one of the few that still do).

I re-fluffed my hair, all the changing had flattened it again, slipped my pre-tied tennis shoes on and ran out the door.

So, as I said, I'm completely indecisive. Even when it comes down on how to look grunge enough.

And in complaining about having nothing to blog about it seems that I found something to say. I may not be able to make up my mind up about what to blog or what to wear but I sure can ramble on about things.

insomnia?

2010-10-19T22:56:00.001-07:00

I hate sleeping alone. Especially when I'm in a sad mood.
I wish there was someone to put their arms around me and hold me tight and tell me that everything is going to be alright.
When I'm feeling alone in the world the last thing I need is to lay down by myself for 7ish hours. I need to be told that I'm not alone. I need to be comforted.
I don't mean to sound needy, but I feel like that's the way it should be.
I don't mean that I need a boyfriend, but that would be nice, I just need someone to protect me from all the bad thoughts that flood my mind at night.
If only they made teddy bears that held you instead of the other way around.
But alas, I'm going to lay here in the dark and hug my pillow tight and listen to soothing music to lull me to sleep.

Tired.

2010-09-17T09:59:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of the waiting. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of being patient. I'm tired of sitting around and seeing everyone get what they want. I'm tired of being the listener, I want to be the talker. I'm tired of everyone else's drama, I want my own.
I'm tired of older, wiser people telling me to wait and things will happen. I think it's about time that something happened. I haven't gotten what I've wanted in about a year. Yes, I've gotten some things that I wanted. I've had good times. But I'm ready for that one thing that will make life right.
I planned on making this a long-wordy blog about things that I want to happen in my life, things that are happening in my life, and random other facts of life, but it's work time. And like always, work gets in the way and makes my life miserable. yay!

Pecaaaaan Pieee

2010-08-19T12:38:00.001-07:00

It's been over two months since I've blogged. I never thought I'd go that long again without writing. Let's see what's happened...
-I didn't keep up with "Operation Love Me"...oh well, it was good while it lasted. I may not have lost weight, and I may not be completely happy, but I think I'm content now. For now.
-I turned 21. Yayyy buying alcohol. Haha. Of course I don't go crazy like some, but I have bought a good amount of wine. Love that stuff.
-I've gotten closer to a few of my friends. I feel like my friendships have "shifted", but I love all of them so it's great.

That's about all that's happened. Wow, I thought this summer had been a little more productive. Maybe not. I really don't even have much to talk about. Call the press! Jordan is speechless!

Watching "When Harry Met Sally" and it's at the orgasm scene, so I better pay close attention. :)

Operation Love Me

2010-06-07T06:49:00.000-07:00

*I have started a new blog devoted just to "Operation Love Me"...follow it and read!*

Things have been falling into place for me recently. Not in a good way, but in a way that will turn into good. Last week I bought a book called "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. It's a non-fiction piece about "one woman's search for everything across Italy, India, and Indonesia". I have realized that I don't want to turn into the woman in the book, and if I continue down the path I'm on, I see myself heading straight there. Since I can't be a world traveler like Liz, I decided that I need to work on my life here in Nacogdoches. I decided that I needed to start loving me.
Enter "Operation Love Me".
Today is the start of Summer I classes and every morning I have a biology lab at 8AM. Before my lab I am starting a workout routine which entails that I wake up at 6AM and go to the rec center gym with my friends Eric, Allison, and Caroline. I am very lucky to have such good friends that also want to get in shape and are willing to wake up that early in the morning. I am then going to take a quick shower and then get ready for my lab. Between lab and my actual class at 12:30 I am going to have time devoted to homework/studying and chores around the house. Since the whole point of "Operation Love Me" is to be happy with myself, I have to worry about my school work because I can't be a happy person if I am not doing well in school and well on my way to graduation.
This week after my class I have work everyday, so I will be there until 8 or 9. My plan when I get off work is to have my rest/entertainment time. In the time I get off work till my 10:30 bedtime (yes, 10:30) I will have time for watching a movie, catching up on tv shows, or just hanging out with friends.
The other major part of "Operation Love Me" is prayer. Like my "friend" Elizabeth Gilbert, I haven't had the best relationship with God in my life. I believe that in order to love myself and to be happy, I need to love God and trust him with my life. Last night as I lay, sleepless, in bed I realized that I needed to start my new journey off the right way, with a prayer. I got down on my knees and prayed out loud in my empty room. (I say it was empty lightly because there was no human being in there with me, but my kitten, Lexie, was very concerned as to why I awoke her from her content slumber.) Prayer has never been a strength of mine. I never know what to say and even if God is actually hearing what I say, so I just don't do it. Last night I prayed for a few minutes. Just telling in my plans and goals and asking for him to give me strength to make myself a better person. After my "amen" I crawled back into bed and tried for a good night's rest.
I was rudely awoken at 4:26 AM by my body. I'm not sure what made my young, 20 year old college body want to get out of bed that early. I'm assuming it was a mixture of anxiety, excitement, and my bladder. Either way, I got out of bed thinking that I might start my day super early and quickly decided that I needed to tell my body who was boss and hopped back into bed. It took Lexie a while to realize that it wasn't actually "get up" time so I stayed pretty awake till she settled back into a ball at the small of my back.
When my alarm went off at 6:00 I jumped out of bed ready to start "Operation Love Me". I was to meet Eric and Caroline on my front porch at 6:15, so I didn't have much time. I was surprised when I found myself standing alone at 6:12, early for one of the first times in my life. The four of us decided that if someone didn't show up to our early morning work-out that we would call and hassle them until they either woke up for felt very sorry about it. At about 6:25 I realized that I was still standing alone and needed to find my fellow companions (Allison was already waiting for us at the gym). Eric claimed that Caroline was running late and that they'd be "right there". I was about to leave them when they slowly walked around the corner and we jumped in my truck and sped away.
When I returned home I found that it was difficult to run up the stairs that led to my room. This is only going to get worse every morning, until I get up my strength I suppose. I got ready for class and walked to the Science building only to find that my lab doesn't start till the second day of classes and that I need to have my lab manual by that time.
I called my mother and had a very nice early morning conversation with her. She told me that she was proud of me and we shared in our new-found love of "True Blood" and the Sookie Stackhouse books. I've seen the entire show and she's just starting to read the books, which I will be promptly borrowing from her. We kept each other on the phone for a while until I made my way to the local bookstore to buy my biology books. Turns out I had to spend all of the money that I have been saving up for rent to buy just the book, not the manual. It seems that one of the goals for "Operation Love Me" is going to have to be that I need to accept the fact that I am not a millionaire and cannot spend money as such.

I used to know this song by heart

2010-06-02T02:14:00.000-07:00

I think it has finally hit me. The complete sadness...heartache...feeling of failure. It's taken five days. I think that's pretty good. I mean, it was bad at first. Crying, yelling, punishing myself and others around me, but I quickly shook it off and hid it deep down. Now it has come back. It's keeping me awake, it's crowding my mind. I try to think of other things but I can only think of how I have, once again, failed at my attempt for a love life.
People warned me. I'd been down this road before. I didn't enjoy it then, why would it be any different the second, third, fourth, time?
How can I have this entire relationship built up in my mind and he have nothing?
I find it hard to believe that he can see the world through completely different eyes.
I'm tired of living in my own world where I think everything will work out. I need someone to pull me to the ground and help me have a real relationship. A relationship where feelings are shared, and even though hard times are had, love still prevails.
I may be young, but I want the future. I'm not the kind of person that can live from day to day. I'm not the kind of person who can run around willy nilly and meet new people every night. I'm not meant for the dating "scene".
I'm meant to find a man and fall in love with him.
And he with me.
I'm meant to love the same man for all of my life.
Yet I always drag myself down to the ground and make myself feel minuscule and hopeless. Helpless even.
Is it too much to ask that I find that one person soon?
Is it too much to ask that it's easier?
I know that there are people out there that are older than me that can't find the man of their dreams and I should be happy that I'm only 20...but I just can't be.
I can't be happy with myself without a "better half".
I'm not who I want to be without someone that wants me.
I know that I'm loved. I have a wonderful family that would do anything for me and that don't want to see me hurt. I have great friends that would be there for me anytime of the day.
And I know that I have someone that's written in the books for me...I just wish he'd find his way to me quicker.
I'm getting a little tired of waiting.

if you're 5 or 82 this is something you can do

2010-04-11T23:43:00.001-07:00

Day 07 - A song that reminds you of a certain event
"Hoedown Throwdown" by Miley Cyrus

One year I taught my mom's Thespian inductees the "hoedown throwdown" for their initiation. I spent a whole night teaching myself the dance and after I got it down I was extremely proud of myself. I can still do the whole dance. :)
So this picture always reminds me of the thespian induction that year...watching all my kids do the dance...even if they all hated it.

There's the words and the song!
And if you want to learn the dance... :)

medium rare with mustard 'be nice

2010-04-11T16:27:00.000-07:00

Day 06 - A song that reminds of you of somewhere
"Cheeseburger in Paradise" by Jimmy Buffett
I think it was the summer between my 4th and 5th grade years that I went on a trip to Colorado with Kelsey and her family. Almost the whole way there Mr. Durham played Jimmy Buffett. Kelsey and I always jammed out to this song! Every time I hear about it I think of Colorado and the great trip we had there!
Kelsey can still sing this song word for word!!!

Tried to amend my carnivorous habits
Made it nearly seventy days
Losin' weight without speed, eatin' sunflower seeds
Drinkin' lots of carrot juice and soakin' up rays

But at night I'd had these wonderful dreams
Some kind of sensuous treat
Not zucchini, fettucini or Bulgar wheat
But a big warm bun and a huge hunk of meat

Chorus:
Cheeseburger in paradise (paradise)
Heaven on earth with an onion slice (paradise)
Not too particular not too precise (paradise)
I'm just a cheeseburger in paradise

Heard about the old time sailor men
They eat the same thing again and again
Warm beer and bread they said could raise the dead
Well it reminds me of the menu at a holiday inn

Times have changed for sailors these days
When I'm in port I get what I need
Not just Havanas or bananas or daiquiris
But that American creation on which I feed

Chorus:
Cheeseburger in paradise (paradise)
Medium rare with mustard 'be nice (paradise)
Heaven on earth with an onion slice (paradise)
I'm just a cheeseburger in paradise

I like mine with lettuce and tomato
Heinz 57 and french fried potatoes
Big kosher pickle and a cold draft beer
Well good god almighty which way do I steer for my

Chorus:
Cheeseburger in paradise (paradise)
Makin' the best of every virtue and vice (paradise)
Worth every damn bit of sacrifice (paradise)
To get a cheeseburger in paradise
To be a cheeseburger in paradise
I'm just a cheeseburger in paradise

Coda:
I like mine with lettuce and tomato
Heinz 57 and french fried potatoes
Big kosher pickle and a cold draft beer
Well good god almighty which way do I steer for my

Bartender, pour me somethin' strong

2010-04-10T00:59:00.000-07:00

Day 05 - A song that reminds you of someone
"Brokenheartsville" by Joe Nichols

This needs no explanation. Everyone is bound to know who it's about.

He wore that cowboy hat to cover up his horns.
Sweet-talkin' forked tongue haf a temptin' charm.
Before I turned around, that girl was gone.
All I can say is: "Bartender, pour me somethin' strong."

Here's to the past, they can kiss my glass.
I hope she's happy with him.
Here's to the girl, who wrecked my world,
That angel who did me in.
I think the devil drives a Coupe de Ville.
I watched 'em drive away over the hill,
Not against her will, an' I've got time to kill,
Down in Brokenheartsville.

It was long on chrome, sittin' in the lot.
An' fire engine red, that thing was hot.
He revved it up, she waved goodbye.
Well, love's gone to hell and so have I.

Here's to the past, they can kiss my glass.
I hope she's happy with him.
Here's to the girl, who wrecked my world,
That angel who did me in.
I think the devil drives a Coupe de Ville.
I watched 'em drive away over the hill,
Not against her will, an' I've got time to kill,
Down in Brokenheartsville.

Here's to the past, they can kiss my glass.
I hope she's happy with him.
Here's to the girl, who wrecked my world,
That angel who did me in.
I think the devil drives a Coupe de Ville.
I watched 'em drive away over the hill,
Not against her will, an' I've got time to kill,
Down in Brokenheartsville.

We may be 1000 miles apart.

2010-04-09T14:35:00.000-07:00

Day 04 - A song that makes you sad:
"I'm Already There" by Lonestar

There are a million and one songs that make me cry/sad. I am a very emotional person. But when I have to think of the one song that makes me the saddest it would have to be this one. Even if you have never been in a situation like this it is sad, but it reminds me of when my dad was in Iraq. I remember one night shortly after he had made the decision to go over seas this song came on the radio while we were in the car and I just started bawling. Every time I hear it I'm reminded of that night and how difficult it was with him gone for so long. Unlike some other unfortunate families, we got our daddy back, so there is a happy ending to this sad story.
:)

He called her on the road
From a lonely cold hotel room
Just to hear her say I love you one more time
But when he heard the sound
Of the kids laughing in the background
He had to wipe away a tear from his eye
A little voice came on the phone
Said "Daddy when you coming home"
He said the first thing that came to his mind

I'm already there
Take a look around
I'm the sunshine in your hair
I'm the shadow on the ground
I'm the whisper in the wind
I'm your imaginary friend
And I know I'm in your prayers
Oh I'm already there

She got back on the phone
Said I really miss you darling
Don't worry about the kids they'll be alright
Wish I was in your arms
Lying right there beside you
But I know that I'll be in your dreams tonight
And I'll gently kiss your lips
Touch you with my fingertips
So turn out the light and close your eyes

I'm already there
Don't make a sound
I'm the beat in your heart
I'm the moonlight shining down
I'm the whisper in the wind
And I'll be there until the end
Can you feel the love that we share
Oh I'm already there

We may be a thousand miles apart
But I'll be with you wherever you are

I'm already there
Take a look around
I'm the sunshine in your hair
I'm the shadow on the ground
I'm the whisper in the wind
And I'll be there until the end
Can you feel the love that we share
Oh I'm already there
Oh I'm already
There

I got my first real six-string...

2010-04-08T10:44:00.000-07:00

Day 03 - A song that makes you happy

So many songs make me happy. But a song that always puts a little "pep in my step" when I'm walking to class is "Summer of 69" by Bryan Adams. This is definitely one of the best songs ever and I don't know a single soul that can hear this song and not bob their head just a little bit. Anytime I hear it I am instantly happy. If you don't have it on your iPod...get it there

Too bad I can't quite relate...my mom was born in the fall of '68...so I definitely wasn't around...

I got my first real six-string
Bought it at the five-and-dime
Played 'til my fingers bled
It was summer of '69

Me and some guys from school
Had a Band and we tried real hard
Jimmy quit and Jody got married
I shualda known we'd never get far

Oh when I lock back now
That was seemes to last forever
And if I had the choice
Ya - I'd always wanna be there
Those were the best days of my life

(CHORUS)

Ain't no use in complainin'
When you got a job to do
Spent my evenin's down at the drive in
And that's when I met you

Standin on a mama's porch
You told me that you'd wait forever
Oh and when you held my hand
I knew that it was no or never
Those were the best days of my life

(Chorus) Back in Summer of '69

Man we were killin' time
We were young and restless
We needed to unwind
I guess nothin' can last forever, no

And now the times are changin'
Look at everything that's come and gone
Somethimes when I play that old six-string
I think about ya wonder what went wrong

Standin' on a mama's porch
You told me it would last forever
Oh the way you held my hand
I knew that it was now or never
Those were the best days of my life

(Chorus) Back in summer of '69

two x 2

2010-04-06T22:48:00.000-07:00

Day twoooo:::
My current least favorite song: "Baby" -Justin Bieber

I'm not going to post the lyrics or the video because I just really hate it and I don't think anyone should be subjected to it's torture.
I really just don't like him or his voice at all. I can't say it's because he's 16 because I'm a fan of Nick Jonas and have been for a while. I just really, really don't like him.
Maybe one of these days he'll improve...but until then I'll stay far away from him and his songs.

Days go by

2010-04-06T10:29:00.000-07:00

Jenna is doing this "Song a day" thing and I'm going to join her!

Day 01 - Your current favorite song

Day 02 - Your current least favorite song

Day 03 - A song that makes you happy

Day 04 - A song that makes you sad

Day 05 - A song that reminds you of someone

Day 06 - A song that reminds of you of somewhere

Day 07 - A song that reminds you of a certain event

Day 08 - A song that you know all the words to

Day 09 - A song that you can dance to

Day 10 - A song that makes you fall asleep

Day 11 - A song from your favorite band

Day 12 - A song from a band you hate

Day 13 - A song that is a guilty pleasure

Day 14 - A song that no one would expect you to love

Day 15 - A song that describes you

Day 16 - A song that you used to love but now hate

Day 17 - A song that you hear often on the radio

Day 18 - A song that you wish you heard on the radio

Day 19 - A song from your favorite album

Day 20 - A song that you listen to when you’re angry

Day 21 - A song that you listen to when you’re happy

Day 22 - A song that you listen to when you’re sad

Day 23 - A song that you want to play at your wedding

Day 24 - A song that you want to play at your funeral

Day 25 - A song that makes you laugh

Day 26 - A song that you can play on an instrument

Day 27 - A song that you wish you could play

Day 28 - A song that makes you feel guilty

Day 29 - A song from your childhood

Day 30 - Your favorite song at this time last year

I'll start with day 1 right now...

My current favorite song: "Kiss Me When I'm Down" -Gary Allan

His new cd just came out last month, so it's basically all I've been listening to. And this is by far my favorite song on the new cd.

Here's the lyricsss!!!

It’s been a year since last weekend
when you swung by with an old friend
Carried out our future box by box
Stack of mail a tube of toothpaste
An empty zeppelin three cd case
Still a few things here that you forgot
They’re just a bad excuse
Just something I can use
To call you

Come on over
Drink my wine
Waste my candles
Waste my time
Tell me lies I won’t believe
Just don’t wake me when you leave
Come on over
Kick me to the ground
Kiss me when I’m down

The bar you’re in sounds like it’s crowded
People laughin’ people shouting
Where you gonna go at closing time
Just pay your tab
And I’ll pay your cab
If you want to

Come on over
Drink my wine
Waste my candles
Waste my time
Tell me lies I won’t believe
Just don’t wake me when you leave
Come on over
Kick me to the ground
Kiss me when I’m down

Just an hour or two
Is better than none of you
I miss you

Come on over
Drink my wine
Waste my candles
Waste my time
Tell me lies I won’t believe
Just don’t wake me when you leave
Come on over
Kick me to the ground
Kiss me when I’m down
Kiss me when I’m down

Here's a video of him performing it!!! :)

Other than Gary's amazing voice, the reason I love this song right now is that it reminds me so much of things I have gone through in the past and currently. I'm sure I'm not the only person who has felt like this. You break up with someone, you think everything is over, but you just can't stay away from them. You know it's a bad idea to talk to them, to be with them, to kiss them, but you do it every time and you always get hurt.

And then there's the fact that I LOVE Gary Allan. :))

Why not me? -The Judds

2010-03-09T11:46:00.000-08:00

(I love this song! So, so true!)

You been lookin' for love all around the world
Baby don't you know this country girls still free
Baby why not me?

So you finally come down to your old home town
Your Kentucky girls been awaitin' patiently
Why not me?

Why not me on a rainy day
Why not me to love your cares away
Why not me?
Why not me when the nights get cold
Why not me when you're growin' old
Why not me?

You been searchin' from here to Singapore
ain't it time that you noticed the girl next door baby
Why not me?
You had to see if the world was round
It's time that you learn how good settlin' down could be
Why not me?

Why not me on a rainy day
Why not me to love your cares away
Why not me?
Why not me when the nights get cold
Why not me when you're growin' old
Why not me?

You been lookin' for love all around the world
Baby dont you know this country girls still free
Why not me
Why not me
Baby why not me?

Oh Baby why not me

The heart won't lie.

2010-03-04T11:36:00.000-08:00

Life update!!!

It's Thursday, March 4, 2010. I'm 20 years old...almost 21!!!...and a junior at Stephen F. Austin State University.

My baby brother turns 13 tomorrow. I'm trying to not really think about it. I don't think there's any way on earth that he can already be 13. It seems like just yesterday he and I were jamming out to Garth Brooks in our living room on his first Christmas. And the day after that he was scared of the grass and wouldn't walk on it. And then after that we drew on the sidewalk with chalk. He can't be 13! I got my first kiss when I was 13, and he should be way far away from THAT!

But, alas, life has moved on. Quickly.

I still don't know what I want to do with my life other than get married and have kids. Of course that dream is nearly impossible because I don't have any husbands lined up, and it doesn't seem like men are running to create a line.

One of these days...hopefully before I'm old...like 30!

More on my life these days...I hate my job. I'm still amazing at spending money that I don't need to spend. My friends are awesome one day, and annoying the next. I miss home every day.

Blah. Class time!

Last time around

2010-01-28T11:20:00.000-08:00

Have you ever not been able to get over someone or something? No matter what you do, how long it's been, and how hard you try you just cant move on?

I hate that feeling.

"But every step I take that leads me away just circles back to your door."

I hate the feeling because I know the other person doesn't feel the same and probably never will.

But if I know this, why cant I move on? I'm a smart person, why doesn't my brain grasp the fact that I'm wasting my time and move on?

I haven't seen this person in over two years. He's told me to move on. He's also told me that he appreciates that I'm always there for him.

What is the right remedy for getting over someone? It's like a disease, so there has to be a prescription to surgery to get rid of it.

In other news...

I've decided that I'm going to eat healthy. Not SUPER healthy...but gonna change a few things. Like last night I had green beans and water for supper. I think I'm going to do that Special K diet. Replacing a meal a day with Special K. Something to try I suppose. And I have to come up with some kind of exercise that I can do without wanting to kill myself while doing it. I know I won't go to the gym everyday. I know I won't salsa dance everyday in my living room. I need something simple, easy, yet effective.

I'll figure something out.

I cant wait for the Super Bowl! Peyton Manning is going to rock it! I'm having a party...of course. I can't remember the last time that I didn't have one. And this year it's in my own apartment so it's going to be awesome! Meagan and I are planning on making decorations and such. Gonna have chip and cheese dip. Don't think there's anything else that we need.

Well we of course need the Colts to win!!!

(Which they will.)

Off to class.

You've Got Mail

2010-01-06T11:44:00.000-08:00

"There is the dream of someone else." -Kathleen Kelly- "You've Got Mail"

Sometimes in this world all I need is to watch chick flicks and lay around in my pjs. Today is one of those days. This week has been one of those weeks. I've realized that I'm not who I thought I was. Or maybe that I am exactly who I thought I was, just no one else knows who I am.

Wow...that made no sense. But that's basically how I've been feeling lately. Like I make no sense and that the things around me make no sense.

I'm not sure if it's because I'm just bored out of my mind or if I'm just so fed up with boys and their crap, but hey, none of that is new.

I watched "Julie and Julia" the other day. I didn't care for the movie too much, but I loved the idea of it. Julie cooked her way through Julia Child's cookbook and blogged about it. She had a reason to get up and get going every single day. She had a goal and she needed to reach it. I need something like that; I need a goal that I can see myself reaching every single day. I already have a few goals: graduating from college, paying rent, getting married, etc...but they're not the kind of goals I can see myself reaching towards every day and seeing the progress that I'm making.

I can't do the cooking thing because I don't make enough money to go out and buy all the ingredients, but I need something. So, I am opening myself up to ideas. I'm tired of having down-in-the-dump days when I feel like I have nothing to live for. I'm tired of crying over the smallest things because I'm bored with nothing to do.

So, someone help me think of a goal that I can set a deadline to and work at every day. Something that will make me feel good about myself. I'll blog about it daily, promise. :)

Battle Studies

2009-12-02T08:29:00.000-08:00

My 5th semester here at SFA is coming to a close and I have no idea where the time has gone. It seems like just yesterday I was walking across the stage at VVHS. It seems like just yesterday I was winning Best Actress at OAP. It seems like just yesterday I was making Varsity cheerleader. I was falling in love for the first time. I was playing my flute for the first time. I was crying because Kelsey was moving from VV. I was becoming a big sister. I was Henrietta Hen in my first play.

Where does the time go?

And I'm only 20.

How am I going to feel when I'm 40? 60? 103?

Even though I've grown up, moved away from home and have new friends, some things never change. I'm still a hopeless romantic. I'm still extremely shy. I still love watching Disney shows. I'm still a people pleaser. I would still rather hang out with my family than get completely wasted at a frat party.

Part of me wishes I could change, but I don't think I'm a horrible person.

I would be my friend if I were someone else.

I love Christmas time. That's never changed. The songs. The weather. Just the spirit of it all. Everyone seems happier and the world just seems like a brighter place to live.

I have a new found love for John Mayer. He really is a great artist. I've just added his new cd to my Christmas Wish List...I hope someone reads this and gets it for me. *cough cough* daddy *cough cough*

"Just when I had you off my head. Your voice comes thrashing wildly through my quiet bed. You say you wanna try again, but I've tried everything but giving in. Why you wanna break my heart again. Why am I gonna let you try? When all we ever do is say goodbye."

Do people really fall in love forever? Are people ever truly happy with the people they "love"?

I'm still waiting for my movie romance...but I'm doubting it's ever going to happen.

I don't want a knight in shining armor anymore...I will settle for a flawed, handsome, millionaire.

Or at least someone that will make the first move, treat me like I've never been treated, adore me forever, and has a family that loves me like one of their own.

I can never seem to get all of those traits together. I keep dating people that have a few of the qualities I like, never all of them.

Are my standards too high?

I feel if I lower them I'll never be happy in life.

I just found out that Taylor Swift sings a song with John Mayer! Yes, I do need his new album.

I want to escape reality. I think that's why I love movies and tv so much. They give me a chance to get away from life for a while. That's why I watch a movie a day, to keep me calm. To keep me from not stressing about life.

What is it about working out that makes me feel cool? Is it the fact that all the skinny, pretty people do it and I want to look like them? Or is it that I'm just really weird?

Yet for some reason, I still can't make myself do it all the time.

I've been brave lately. Talked to people that I would normally not talk to. I'm very proud of myself. To outgoing people this may seem like nothing. But talking to the cute guy that sits next to me in class is a huge step in my book. I rewarded myself with a trip to Chilis...not good for my bank account. But made me feel better about myself.

I've been without my Macbook for most of this semester. It's been horrible. I've been living with my dad's little bitty blue Netbook. It's really small. I'm used to it now, but it gets annoying sometimes when I'm wanting to do something "Mac-y" and I can't. My charger broke. :( I need to get a new one, but Apple likes to make them about $70.

Random fact: I'm trying to lose 15 pounds before December 18th. Pray for me! Or just send me healthy snacks so I won't eat bad things for me.

I'm tired of people dogging the Cowboys. Just because you aren't a fan doesn't mean you have to be mean about them. I never understood intentionally putting down someone's favorite team when you know how they feel about them...and without a good reason. I'm also tired of people saying really mean things about Romo. I mean, I know he's not doing the best in the league right now, but he's not a horrible quarterback. And he's very young and hasn't had as much experience as some of the other QBs in the league. He didn't start playing till the 2006 season when he took over for Drew Bledsoe. It's only his 4th season as a starting quarterback...cut him some slack. I do get mad at him sometimes, ok, I get furious with him sometimes. But I'd like to see some of his naysayers do any better. And remember the Cowboys are 8-3 this season and 1st in the NFC East, they aren't a horrible team. And Romo did have 6 interception free games...would a horrible, no good quarterback do that? I mean he's no Peyton Manning, but I'm not giving up on him just yet.

...off my soapbox...

"I'm in the war of my life, at the door of my life, out of time and there's no where to run away."

Just a little update.

2009-07-22T22:37:00.000-07:00

Name: Jordan Lea Smith (still...as far as I know...)

Age: 19 (for two more days)

Status: Single (not so sure about the ready to mingle part...)

Kevin and I broke up. I thought it was going to be a "nice" break-up. It turns out that we're not talking or seeing each other anymore. It's harder than I thought it was going to be.

I'll make it.

I've made it through break-ups before. They only get harder.

I'm still just as confused about life as I've ever been.

It's a little harder now. I don't have a set "set" of friends. I never know who I can turn to and lean on.

But I still love life.

I guess that's the key to life...love it.

I finished a whole scrapbrook today. It's a small one, but it was a lot of work. A lot.

I feel very accomplished.

I'm very, very proud of myself.

That's a great update...

I like to scrapbook now. I've made fun of mom and her friends for the longest time. I sat down and actually started the other day and I just adore it. I feel like I can do it when I'm angry, sad, happy, bored...finally...I think I have a hobby.

Stevie and I have an apartment in Nac. We move in mid-August. I really can't wait! That's going to be so awesome. So. Awesome.

I wait tables at El Chico...I hate every second of it.

Oh well. There are some good people that I work with.

There are some not so good people that I work with.

I guess that's how the cookie crumbles.

I've stuffed a lot of food in my mouth recently. I haven't gained any weight yet...of course I haven't lost any either.

Oh well.

My favorite song of the moment is "Faith in Love" by Reba and Rascal Flatts.

Give it a listen. It's awesome.

I painted the walls in my room red. I have it decorated black, red, and white. I love it.

It's messy still. But not as cluttered.

"Goodbyes are like a Roulette wheel, you never know where they're gonna land. First you're spinning, then you're standing still. Left holdin' a losing hand"

American Idol trip Part one.

2009-06-24T11:28:00.000-07:00

It's been a while.

I'm in Dallas...well Arlington...for American Idol auditions. I've always wondered what it would be like to audition, but never really thought I would. When Meagan asked me to go with her when she auditioned I figured it was my chance. I might as well try, or I'll never know.

Yesterday we left my house around 3 with Meagan's car loaded down with everything that we thought true American Idol contestants needed. We stopped in Lake Jackson because I wanted to get a new shirt for the audition. She ended up buying a shirt and I bought a pair of jeans. They are really great. I think if they don't let me through to Hollywood with these jeans on then they just might be crazy.

After we left LJ we headed on our merry way to The Big "D". After driving through Huntsville we stopped at a relatively new Rest Area. We bought drinks, played on the playground, followed a trail, and picked up a pet rock which we named Hunter (because we found him in "Hunt"sville). We loaded into the car and tried to leave the rest area when all of a sudden Meagan's car wouldn't let her go over 10MPH and when we stopped the car it started to shake, then the check engine light came on. Of course we have no idea about cars, so all I know to check is if the engine is over heated...which it wasn't. After sitting for a few seconds we started the car back up and it ran well. Got us all the way here. The light was still on, but nothing was happening.

When we got near our hotel we couldn't find how to get to it because there was so much construction and the gps didn't know how to navigate through it. We made a million turns and then after one turn I saw something that made me scream.

Cowboys Stadium.

It was beautiful...and I wasn't even that close to it.

I screamed.

Meagan freaked out.

And we almost missed a turn.

When we arrived at our hotel we settled in and were sitting in bed when the news showed a clip of people at the stadium for American Idol. We were confused because on the website it said that people weren't going to be able to camp out and registration wasn't until 8 in the morning. We decided that we needed to trek over to the stadium and see what was going on. It didn't take us very long because our hotel is about 2 miles from the stadium. Sure enough, when we got there there were about 20 cars already in the parking lot and the people were sitting outside of their vehicles in chairs and on blankets watching the stadium like something major was about to happen. I tweeted at that time asking the twitter world if there was a fireworks show that we were not informed about.

We drove around the stadium admiring it's beauty and then drove back to the hotel and tried to sleep.

Didn't happen very easily. We were just so excited.

At first we were planning on waking up around 7, but when we found out that the gates opened at 5, we figured we needed to get up earlier. Meagan woke up at 4 and tried to wake me up at 4:35. Ha! I stayed under the covers until 5 and then after that it took me about 20 minutes to get out of the shower.

We made our way back over to the stadium. This time there weren't just around 50 people. There were about 2,000 people (maybe more) already lined around the sides of the stadium.

It wasn't too long of a wait, or at least not as long as I'd been expecting. We sat on the ground for about an hour and a half. During that time we made two new friends. One girl named Holly who was there with her dad and a guy name Phillip who was laying on the ground next to us when Meagan told us that we should all lay on each other's stomachs and rest. He awoke when he realized that she was saying that I needed to lay on his tummy. That's one way to make friends I suppose.

We made our way all the way up the line together, having a grand ole time the whole way there. The heat was crazy...we were all sweating, but it made walking into Cowboys Stadium even better. We didn't get to walk very far into it, so I can't tell you everything about it. But it already looked amazing. Amazing I tell you.

After we received our wristbands and tickets we went to breakfast at iHop and then came back to the hotel room to rest before we hit up Dallas.

Meagan is now napping and I am blogging. Great rest.

We're not sure what we are going to. Maybe just sightsee...maybe go to the Ripley's Believe it or Not museum...maybe catch a movie. Whatever it is, it'll be great. :)

There are pictures on my Picasa web albums and on my facebook.

I'm going to finish reading My Sister's Keeper now...I'm so close to the end it's killing me.

A little bit about me

2009-04-15T06:30:00.000-07:00

Dictionary.com refers to materialism as:

preoccupation with or emphasis on material objects, comforts, and considerations, with a disinterest in or rejection of spiritual, intellectual, or cultural values.

I disagree with that wholeheartedly. I don't see how you can't completely love material things and still have a love for spiritual and religious things.

I don't think that loving material items causes you to reject anything that you wouldn't already choose to reject yourself.

I have been called materialistic.

And that's fine.

I DO love material things.

Buying things makes me happy.

More happy than most things.

But it doesn't compare to the way my heart feels when I'm standing in church singing the words, "Indescribable, uncontainable. You place the stars in the sky and you know them by name. You are amazing God."

But yes, I do love material things.

Some people just don't understand the feeling I get when I buy a new pair of shoes. For that moment in time I feel that nothing is wrong in the world. I just have me and my beautiful new pair of shoes.

Another thing people don't understand is my fascination with celebrities. This may come from my materialism, and probably does.

I don't know if I can even explain why I'm so interested in famous people's lives. I can only try.

I think that since I have always wanted to be famous part of it must come from jealousy or from idolization.

I do want what they have.

Not only their clothes, shoes, hair stylists, bodies, etc...

But I want people to scream for me when I walk down the street.

I want people to recognize me when I walk into a room.

I want people to like me.

I want people to want to be me.

That may be selfish. That may just be dumb.

But that's me.

I need a puppy

2009-03-31T16:36:00.001-07:00

So, I have a lot of studying to do, but I have to tell the world of my great day first.

Today I called in to work because I have a lot of work to do, studying for my history test on Thursday, homework for sociology, and picture stuff for my digital photography class, etc.

I decided that since I had time I was going to go take pictures of campus for my SFA postcard assignment. Since it was a beautiful day outside I decided that I would put Random (my 10 month old cat) on her harness and take her with me.

She didn't like that idea.

She did a little jump dance and got out of her harness.

She darted towards the Kennedy Auditorium.

She darted towards the Chemistry building.

Then darted into a dark hole.

She came back out for a second.

I held her.

She clawed my back and ran back under.

Marie and I waited and waited and waited for her to come back out while Kevin went to get her food and a couple of toys.

She wouldn't come out.

Kevin made it back and we set up a nice little spot for her to come back.

There were two black cats under there with her.

They came out to say hello a few times.

FINALLY she came out to play with her ping pong ball.

But she was too smart for us.

She would knock it away and go back and hide.

Then I outsmarted her.

We placed the pink shoe-string that she plays with in the hole and she came out for that.

Kevin grabbed her and we ran to the car.

Little toot thought she could get away.

Little does she know that she is now stuck in the apartment as long as she lives.

Little dummy.

If you wanted to know...cats don't like walks.

Get a dog.

10 Rules for a Successful Relationship

2009-03-30T07:29:00.000-07:00

This is the list my Sociology teacher gave me today.

1. Express love verbally.

2. Be physically affectionate.

3. Express appreciation and admiration.

4. Share more with your partner than with any other person.

5. Offer each other emotional support.

6. Express your love materially.

7. Accept partner's demands and put up with partner's shortcomings.

8. Make time to be alone together.

9. Do not take the relationship for granted.

10. Do unto each other as you would have the other do unto you.

I used to love this song

2009-03-27T13:49:00.000-07:00

From where I'm sitting, I can see where I stand...

I enjoy spontaneity.

I'm not very spontaneous, but I love when the people around me are.

You know what I don't enjoy?

Sitting on my butt and watching tv all day.

It's fine for a few hours...but get out and do something.

Seriously.

"I don't think I can take much of this anymore"

I also don't like it when I don't get my way.

But, honestly, who does?

It just really sucks.

It even sucks worse when the person doesn't give you a good reason for why you're not getting your way.

You know what?

I'm a very responsible person. The only thing I'm not responsible with is my money. And I'm working on it. I like to think that most, if not all, of my decisions are VERY responsible. Yeah, they may not be "textbook" perfect ideas or decisions. But I've never been in jail. I've never been in any big trouble with the law. I was never in detention is school. I've never been in a fight anywhere. I'm a good person.

Shoot...I'm a great person.

Why shouldn't good things happen to me all the time?

I sure as heck deserve it.

I deserve the world.

I'm sorry.

I'm in a mood.

I'll get over it.

Fun party at Jeryca and Sarah's tonight.

(aka my apartment soon). :)

Sometimes you're gonna have to lose

2009-03-26T08:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday. Rain. Everywhere. Gross. Wearing good shoes.

Today. Supposed to be thunderstorms. Nowhere. Ok weather. In rain boots.

Really?!?!

Parked by my ex's car this morning. Many ideas went through my mind. Leaving a note (nice or mean), hitting it (with my car door, my bumper that's coming off, the tripod in my passenger's seat, or my fist), keying it (with my key of course), kicking it (with my foot of course), or just completely running my truck smack dab into it. I opted to just peek in to creep him out then walk away. Jeryca told me that he wouldn't have known it was me that did any of that stuff. But I'm thinking that my truck parked next to it might have given that away. If not, he might have had a few ideas. You never know, he might have made a lot of enemies since I last talked to him a million years ago. I could see that. He's a butthead.

So it's official. I'm moving into the apartment with Jeryca and Sarah in the summer. I'm pretty excited. I turned in my lease(s) and my application yesterday and their mailing it to my mom today for her to sign everything. Then it will be completely official. :)

We took pictures last night to put on our walls. They didn't turn out too great, but it's ok.

Friday Jeryca and Sarah are throwing a black and white cocktail party that I'm going to. It's going to be wonderful. We'll have more opportunities that night to take better roommate pictures. We'll be all dolled up. :)

So, I dyed my hair over spring break. Unfortunately the dye likes to wash out pretty quickly even though it says it's permanent hair color. Whatever. I'll just try a different brand next time. But I really love this color. A lot.

I've never been a big fan of sweatpants. I've just never really owned a pair. Well I have a pair now. And they're amazing. And I'm wearing them as we speak. Amazing. I really see how people could just wear these all the time. I could totally see myself living in them for a while. :)

I'm also wearing Kevin's AC(lightningbolt)DC shirt. It's pretty cool. He never wears it and I needed a shirt that was a little bit tighter on me so I didn't look like a boy in my sweatpants. :)

I like smiley faces. :)

I really want to see the Hannah Montana movie when it comes out. It actually looks pretty good. I also want to see I Love You, Man. Kevin won't take me. He wants to see it with his "boys". Whatever.

I have work tonight. I need money. So it's a good thing. All my friend tell me to go donate plasma for money. I tell them no.

Me+needles=a bad idea

Welllll...it's getting close to time for me to go to history class and prepare some more for my test next week. Yipeeeeeee.

"There's always gonna be another mountain. I'm always gonna wanna make it move."

Like It's A Bad Thing

2009-03-20T20:29:00.000-07:00

So, it happened.

I saw Gary.

It was amazing.

He played 14 Songs:

She's So California

Right Where I Need To Be

A Feeling Like That

It Would Be You

Nothin' On But The Radio

Learning How to Bend

Best I Ever Had

Life Ain't Always Beautiful

Alright Guy

Like It's A Bad Thing

Drinkin' Dark Whiskey

Songs About Rain

Man of Me

Watching Airplanes

A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!!

I've seen him three times now and this was by far the best! And I was probably the furthest away from him that I've ever been. Oh well. I'm determined to see him in a small venue soon. I really want to go to Vegas for New Years and see him at the House of Blues, but I really doubt I'm going to get the money for that.

He's just so awesome.

I love his voice.

I love his lyrics.

I love him.

Ah!!!!

Ok, so...rest of my spring break.

I haven't done TOO much.

Friday:

Got home. Trevor got a new kitty. Named her Marie. I find this very funny because my best friend's name is Marie. But we had to stick with the Aristocats theme and that's the only girl's name left. Went to JC's Steakhouse and had an AMAZING steak. Ate too much. Played cards. Slept.

Saturday:

Did laundry at the Laundromat because our dryer was out. Grocery shopped. Dyed my hair red"der". :) Chase came over and played cards with my family then Kevin, Dago, and Rene' came over and played for a bit. Slept.

Sunday:

Church. Ate at Shanghai. Saw Watchmen. Pretty good, but lots of floppy blue penis. Ew! Went to Memaw and Papaw's and played cards. Came home. Played games. Cards or Dominos...I don't remember. Slept.

Monday:

Chilled at home. Dad and Kevin got haircuts. Dad and Kevin picked up a new mattress for Mom and Dad. We climbed on Mom and Dad's new "Bed Mountain". Tif and Todd came over for dinner and dominos. Kevin and I went to Justin's to play games with some friends. Saw Rene', Dago, Justin, Lauren, Kay, Becky, Nick, James, Katie, and Mason. Lots of fun. Played Uno, Charades, Signs, and Mafia. Came home. Slept.

Tuesday:

Chilled at home with family and Kevin. Went to lunch at Carinos with Jeryca. Bought a new phone cover. Walked around Rue 21. Didn't buy anything. Got my hair cut at Mastercuts. Trimmed really. Didn't have enough money. Mom had to bail me out. Boo. :( Went to eat at Victoria's with Kevin, Dago, and Rene'. Went to the rest of Trevor's baseball scrimmage. He got hit in the mouth with a ball while on 2nd base. I call him "Fat Lip". :) Played dominos. Slept.

Wednesday:

Took Random to the vet to get her lady parts sewn up. (I think that's how you say it. lol) Checked out the new Shipley's. Hadn't had donuts for a long time. They were good, but made my tummy hurt. Played cards for a bit. Went to the rodeo. SAW GARY ALLAN. Rode to Nac with Kevin. Slept.

Thursday:
Woke up earlier than I wanted to. Sat around Kevin's and didn't do much of anything. Ate lunch around almost 3 at Cotton Patch. It was pretty dang good. Went to WalMart. Went back to the apartment. Played cards and a few other games. Then did not much of anything until we decided to play more games. Lol. Slept.

Friday:

(Today!)

Woke up later than I wanted to. Had some cereal. Realized that we needed to leave Nac soon. Helped Kevin clean up around the apartment. Bought a Lumberjack Basketball Championship shirt from the bookstore. Started home in the front seat. Moved to the backseat. Fell asleep. Thought I heard Gary Allan in my dreams. Turns out it was my text message tone. lol. Got home. Did lots of yard work with the family. Showered. Took Trevor to Memaw and Papaw's. Came home. Ate. Had a smoothie. Waiting to go get Twilight!!!

Ok. :) Spring Break done. Almost.

So, I've decided I'm going to learn to play the guitar. It's going to be amazing. I'm then going to start writing songs and singing them and it's going to be wonderful.

"Believe me girl someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar..."

Yesterday's Rain

2009-03-11T07:35:00.000-07:00

I hate forgetting things. Sometimes I think I have everything in order...then BOOM...I realize that I've forgotten something and then I don't have too much time to do it in. Unfortunately it really sucks when you have to have someone else involved in it. So not only do you have to find time for you to do it, you have to find time for that other person to be there. Blah.

I'll get it taken care of.

Hopefully.

I'm so ready for Spring Break...only two more day!!!

And only 7 more days till I see Gary Allan at the rodeo. I'm so freaking excited about that. Maybe this time they'll have a tshirt in my size so I don't have to get a tank top that I've never even worn. Maybe I should make that into a pillow or something. Hmmm...

I don't want to do to work tonight. I need the money though, so I have to. Plus I get a whole week off for Spring Break, so I really shouldn't complain. I'm just really good at complaining...

I wish things were just easier to understand. Like friends for instance. I wish I could read their minds and see what they are really thinking about me. Who knows if they really like you or not. You can say you like someone all day, but they'll never know your true thoughts.

It's raining today. I don't have my umbrella. I'm wet now. :( Not very fun at all. My hair already looked bad enough this morning, now it's just horrible. Horrible.

I feel like crawling in bed and watching Disney movies all day.

I think I'll do that on Friday night when I get home. Good idea.

Well...Kevin's about to be out of class, and I have to walk to News Writing.

"It's better to have loved and lost than not at all. But I still love to feel it fall. Yesterday's rain."

Puttin' Memories Away

2009-03-07T16:16:00.000-08:00

As most of you know, my great-grandfather passed away this week, and today we had his funeral in Madisonville.

It was a nice service and tears were had by all.

The viewing was last night at the Madisonville Funeral Home. We, my mom, dad, Trevor, and myself, got there probably around 4PM and had to stay there until 8PM when it closed. At first I didn’t think it was going to be too bad, there were going to be plenty of people there that I know and love, but after the first hour and a half I started to change my mind. Our stomachs started growling in unison and the sight of my great-grandfather’s dead body gave me chills every time I looked at it.

I’ve never been to a viewing as a member of the family so I wasn’t aware of what exactly we were supposed to do. Obviously you just stand/sit in the main room and people come in and talk to you. The thing that I found the most interesting was that when people came in they didn’t stay for a few minutes and leave, they stayed for a few hours and talked and talked and talked until they decided that they better go.

Since we had enough time to count the ceiling tiles a millions times, my dad and I mostly listened to other people’s conversations and they prompted a conversation of our own. We asked ourselves the question “What is appropriate viewing/funeral etiquette”?

You may think that this would be a simple thing to answer, but once you start thinking about it, you will find otherwise.

It seems that people treat viewings as more of a family reunion than a time to view the body. People were standing no more than five feet from my Big Daddy’s body talking about their spring break plans and laughing hysterically. Many times stories that were being told were about my Big Daddy, but lots of them weren’t. My dad and I were lucky enough to hear one old man tell my Uncle Brett that he had bunions on his toes. Is that appropriate to talk about at a viewing?

Not only were we concerned with conversation topics, but also about things such as:

Is it appropriate for kids under the age of 6 to run around like it’s a playground?

Is it appropriate to wear normal everyday clothes to a viewing? To a funeral?

Is is appropriate to take pictures in the chapel?

Is it appropriate to take pictures of the body?

Is it appropriate to take pictures WITH the body? (Myspace style)

Is it appropriate to high five at any of the times during the viewing/service?

Is it appropriate to text?

Check your email?

Call someone?

There were many other thing that we discussed, but you’ll have to wait for our book to hear them all.

We asked some of the people around us about these things.

Mom says it’s appropriate to text if it is relevant to the situation. Like texting someone to tell them that I saw a picture of them at the service is ok, but not to text my friend to ask about her day. Mom also says it’s not appropriate to check your email unless it’s relevant. The problem with that one is that you won’t know if it’s relevant till you check it. Puts one in quite a conundrum.

Like I said, my father and I are going to compile all of our questions and write a book. We already have the title picked out.

Stay tuned.

Of course this weekend was also a sad one. At the front of the viewing they had a slideshow of pictures from Big Daddy's entire life with some of his music playing in the background. We spent some of our time watching it and talking about the past. At one point I was holding my Uncle Brett's son, Kade, who is 5 years old. We were watching the pictures when all of a sudden he leaned back and whispered, "I wish Big Daddy wouldn't have died." Not ready for a 5 year old to say something like that, I was taken aback. At first I couldn't speak, afraid I would choke, but I just whispered back, "Me too Kader."

Later on we were standing a little closer to the casket when my cousin Garrett, who is about 7, walked up to see Big Daddy by himself. Now Garrett has never really talked to me. He's grown up only seeing me on Thanksgivings and Christmases, so he's never really known me too well. I wasn't sure how he'd react to me, but I decided I'd go see how he was considering that he looked very sad. When I asked him how he was he said "ok" so I rubbed his back and was going to walk away. He just stood there looking at Big Daddy. Then he took his wallet out and started opening it. I asked him what he had in there and he pulled out a penny.

He looked at me and said, "I want Papaw to have this." (They call Big Daddy, Papaw)

He was too short too reach into the casket so I offered to put it in there for him. I asked if he wanted me to put it in our great-grandfather's pocket and he nodded "yes".

After I'd placed the child's penny in Big Daddy's pocket Garrett looked up at me and said, with big eyes, "Will he remember me now?"

Just as Kade's statement had earlier, it took me aback.

I was a little more prepared then.

"Yes Garrett, of course he's going to remember you."

Then he walked away from me.

Children handle and understand things so different than we do. I wish everything was as simple for us as it is for them. They really are amazing. We can learn so much from them.

I really did have a nice time seeing all of my family. It's always nice since we rarely see them.

Today Kevin drove from Nac to come for the funeral. It made it more bearable. I'm sure my tears would have fallen harder if he hadn't been there to hold me.

I'm not sure if it was the fact that Big Daddy had passed away or seeing my Papaw cry that made me cry more.

All I know for sure is that Big Daddy is in a better place than we are and I can't wait till the day I'm reunited with him in Heaven.

I stand in awe of You

2009-03-06T20:41:00.000-08:00

I have that song stuck in my head. And I'm not quite sure when I heard it last. Dad must have been singing it.

I have so much to blog about.

But I'm going to do it tomorrow.

I'm tired.

I need sleep.

Big Daddy's funeral is tomorrow.

Night.

Some advice

2009-03-04T05:42:00.000-08:00

There's some fine advice in these words.

ONE.             Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO.       Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older,
their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE.          Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or
sleep all you want.

FOUR.        When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.

FIVE.            When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.

SIX.              Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN.         Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT.          Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have
dreams don't have much.

NINE.       Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's
the only way to live life completely.

TEN.             In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN.        Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE.        Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN    When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer,
smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'

FOURTEEN.     Remember that great love and great achievements involve
great risk.

FIFTEEN.       When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

SIXTEEN.       Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for
others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

SEVENTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

EIGHTEEN.    When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate
steps to correct it.

NINETEEN.    Smile when picking up the phone; the caller will hear it
in your voice.

TWENTY.       Spend some time alone!

I know I need to pay attention to all of these things.

I'll blog for real later on. I'm going back to bed.

This week is going to go by slow and painfully.

Here we go...

2009-03-02T13:26:00.000-08:00

Here it is. 3:27PM on my first day of my diet and I want the Thin Mints in the freezer.

They're calling out to me.

They want me to eat them.

I can't.

I have to keep thinking skinny.

Skinny.

I want to be skinny, right?

I want to be able to go to the beach this summer and feel good about my body.

Right?

Yes.

By the time I'm 20 (four months and 23 days) I will have a kick butt body and everyone will bow down to me.

Ok, maybe not bow down to me.

But I'll feel great.

So here I am, chewing on my Extra gum, trying to forget about the delicious cookies tempting me.

Sigh...

Work's going to be hard.

Chips.

Salsa.

Nachos.

NO!

Skinny.

I made a mistake...

2009-03-02T09:18:00.000-08:00

I had starbucks.

Bad, I know.

Especially on the first day of my diet.

But I wanted it.

And it was good.

I only drank half of it before it started tasting too sweet.

So, basically I wasted some money.

Oops.

Off to eat a salad now. They'll cancel each other out, right?

Oh and I thought I should just tell everyone since it was brought to my attention.

I love my life.

There are a few things that I would like to change.

There are a few things that I would like to do.

But all in all, I really can't complain.

I do love my life.

I just feel that my blog is a place where I can express the few feelings that I have that I usually keep locked in the deep blackness of my soul.

So, I love my life.

And I get to see Gary Allan in 16 days!!!!

Can't wait!!

I wish someone would buy me Taylor Swift tickets.

Sigh.

It's a new day

2009-03-02T06:32:00.000-08:00

I'm starting a diet today.

I'm going to get up every morning and eat breakfast.

I'm going to eat salads for my meals.

I'll try to workout.

It might not work.

But watching what I eat will.

Yay!

Too gone for too long

2009-03-01T18:08:00.000-08:00

When am I going to be out of this phase of my life?

I hate it here.

I don't like sitting around waiting for my dreams to take flight.

I feel stuck.

Why do some people have all the luck?

What makes some people better than others?

Why do they get the looks, the talent, the opportunities?

Why are the rest of us forced to make our own way in this world with no such luck?

This seems like an addition to my last blog.

But I can't help feeling the same way all the time.

I hate college.

I hate working at a job that I don't like.

But I have to keep going through both of those things until I "grow up".

Well you know what world, I think I am grown up. Too grown up for what I'm going through.

I may not be the smartest person in the world, but I'm too smart to be stuck in some of the situations I'm stuck in.

I may not be the nicest person in the world, but I'm too nice to be stuck in some of the situations I'm stuck in.

Not stuck.

Yes, stuck.

I think.

Whatever.

That's all I have to say.

My eloquence is over for the night.

Too many dreams were broken

2009-02-24T08:34:00.000-08:00

I think my life is holding me back.

I have dreams bigger than Texas.

Yet here I am, trying to make it in this world.

I dream of being able to dance like this:

I dream of being able to sing like this:

I dream of being able to act like this:

I dream of looking like this:

I dream of being an amazing mother of four.

I dream of wearing Manolo Blahniks while walking down 5th Avenue.

I dream of winning the Best Actress award at the Oscars.

I dream of having super powers.

I'm afraid that I'm letting everyone down by not dancing like that, not singing like that, not acting like that, not looking like that.

I'm afraid that everyone had an idea of how I was going to end up.

And I'm not heading that way.

I feel that I don't have my head on my shoulders.

I feel that everything isn't right.

I feel that there's more that I could do, but I just can't do it.

I try to live up to everyone's expectations.

I feel that I fail.

I'm not saying that I don't love my life...

I'm saying that I would love my life more if it was working out like I'd planned.

I'd always thought by now I would be engaged, preparing to be married.

Even though Kevin and I have discussed marriage, I don't think I'm any closer to it than if I was single.

I never thought I would be a waitress.

I don't really like it.

Customers look at me like I'm insignificant in the world.

Like I'm not special to anyone.

Like my only purpose in life is to make sure their fajitas are on their table and their tea is full.

I'd always thought I would do great in school.

School chews me up and eats me for dinner.

I'd always thought I would be in Hollywood by now.

But, alas...here I am...sitting in the Baker Pattillo Student Center at Stephen F. Austin State University in Nacogdoches, Texas.

Far away from my dreams.

Traveling With Cats

2009-02-23T20:33:00.000-08:00

Kevin and I went home this weekend.

Sounds great, right?

Well it was...

other than the fact that we took Dutchess Rosalie and Random home with us.

First problem happened on the way there. Dutchess decided that she didn't like being in her cage so she "relieved" herself. Let's just say that it wasn't a very pleasant smell so we had to stop in Diboll and clean her up. Luckily we had lots of napkins and a bottle of water in the car we I just threw water on her and cleaned up the mess.

We were going to let her out of the cage to move around but since she was a bad kitty we decided to let Random out and make Dutchess stay in the entire time.

The second problem happened on the way back to Nac. We tried to let Dutchess ride without sitting in her cage because we knew she didn't like it. The first 30 minutes went really well, but then we realized there was something on her face. When we pulled over I noticed that she had "tossed her cookies" in the backseat. Kevin went into Buc-ees to get napkins to clean it up. It wasn't as hard of a mess to clean up because it wasn't all over the place.

Since she was a bad kitty again, we put her in the cage and let Random out. Random started to get annoying so I decided it was time to put her away for the rest of the ride. After a bit we began to smell something. That's when the third problem was realized. Random had made a boo-boo in her cage.

All would be fine if not fifteen minutes away from Nac I felt a soft back on my elbow. Random had ripped through her brand new cloth cage.

After those four problems I have vowed that I will never EVER take my cats on a log trip without the proper drugs again.

I want to live.

2009-02-18T22:58:00.000-08:00

I read Marie's latest blog and it made me want to get out and see the world.

I'm tired of being cramped here in Texas. Sounds funny considering this is the second biggest state...but still...gosh!

The whole world is out there...and it wants me! I want it!

I'm going to graduate from college...earn some money...and see it all.

Paris.

Australia.

Paris.

Norway.

Paris.

England.

Paris.

New York again.

Paris.

Canada.

Paris.

It's going to be amazing. It's going to make what I'm used to look like a little crumb of bread. And that doesn't look too great. :)

ANYWAY...

Ok day. One of THOSE days. You know...where you don't think you're going to get everything done...but it all works out in the end despite all the suffering you went through.

Yeah...one of THOSE days.

Made like 46 bucks in tips tonight...so yay!

Found out that Michael Johns will be releasing a single soon and his album will come out in May...so yay!

Of course I've missed the last two episodes of American Idol because of work...so boo!

And I missed LOST tonight...so boo! and yay! lol

I'm going to miss Grey's and Private Practice tomorrow because of work...but I think mom is recording them for me so I can see them when I go home on Friday...so yay!!!!!

OHHHHHH and...Kevin and I got a new kitty yesterday. We picked her up from the animal shelter. She is a siamese cat and her name is Random. I let Kevin pick out the name because it was a girl. I would have gotten to name it if it was a boy. I guess I'll just save Jasper for the next animal we get. (A puppy. :) )

Kevin and I are going home on Friday for the first time this semester! It's been toooooo long...I'm so ready to get there. And let Random meet Thomas O'Malley and Toulouse. She'll be my first cat in a while that I didn't name after The Aristocats. I figured I shouldn't name her Marie though considering that's my best friend's name. Might be just a little weird. Since that was the only cat's name left from the movie, I decided against it.

Also on Friday is mine and Kevin's 6 month anniversary. It seems like we've been together soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much longer than that...but nope. Just 6 months. He's taking me to Outback Steakhouse on the way home. So excited! (Marie, I hope I got the song stuck back in your head now.)

Well...I'm going to hit the sack...long day ahead of me!

I always screw up.

2009-02-14T20:38:00.001-08:00

Well I haven't blogged in a few days. Here's an update on my life.

I'm working at El Chico in Lufkin now. I didn't think I'd like working but it's really not that bad. I like making tips every night. The people are pretty nice. I mean, they have their problems, but for the most part they're easy to get along with. Last night I made $56 dollars in tips after working 2 and a half hours and then today I worked all day and make over $100. Made me pretty happy. Even though I worked all Valentine's Day.

Speaking of Valentine's Day...I got Kevin Saw V, a thing of skittles, and a card. He says he ordered me something and supposed to be coming in the mail. But it's not here yet. So he didn't get me anything for the actual day. And while I was at work from 9 hours he didn't do anything. At all. Needless to say...I'm not very happy about that whole ordeal.

I took my first two tests of the semester on Thursday and Friday. I feel pretty confident about the one on Friday, Sociology. I'm not so sure about the one on Thursday, History. History kicks my butt...it always has. I have no idea how to get it in check. I try and try and try. And study. It and I just don't click.

Marie and I got "friendship streaks" in our hair on Thursday. We found a place in town that does hair extensions so we got them to give us both a purple one in our hair. They are pretty rad and we look amazing with them! After that we went to see "He's Just Not That Into You", which was an amazing movie. I would highly recommend it to anyone and everyone. Of course when you go make sure you don't sit behind a big group of 30-something year old women that talk the entire time. They're out there. And they'll ruin your movie experience.

I guess that's it for now. I've been at work all day and I can't even think of anything creative to say.

I need a smoke...if only I smoked.

2009-02-10T21:11:00.000-08:00

Fish swim.
Birds fly.
Lovers leave by and by.
Old men sit and think.

I worry and stress.

About everything.

EVERYTHING.

I wish I didn't care about things so much. It seems the people that have an "I don't care" attitude really have it better. They don't have to sit and think about things that may go wrong. Things that probably could never ever go wrong.
I bring this up because here we are again...nearing Valentine's Day. This is a bad holiday. I can't think of a better word other than "bad". The people that aren't in relationships have to spend the time from December 26th to February 14th hearing and seeing things about love. Everything about love. How love is amazing. The people that ARE in relationships get all the stress though. What gift to give their loved one. I'm totally confused by this holiday. (Why it's an actual holiday I'll get into later). Is it a holiday where you get a big, expensive gift for your sweetie? Or just a holiday that you give a card that sings? I may never know the answer to this conundrum, but this dang holiday will always haunt my thoughts.
I shouldn't be worried about one single day in the year. I have many other things to be thinking about.
My new job.
My history test.
My sociology test.
My ever increasing weight.
My bank account.
My rocky relationship.
That's just to name a few.
There aren't enough minutes in the day to cover all of my thinking and worrying...that turns into uncontrollable stress.

Grammy Blues.

2009-02-09T11:40:00.000-08:00

I think the only thing right about the Grammys last night was Taylor Swift. She was beautiful like always. And even though Miley wasn't wonderful in their duet or Taylor's song "Fifteen"...it rocked more than the rest of the performances.
(I can't judge Kenny's performance because I was not in front of the TV at that moment.)
I would have loved Carrie Underwood's performance if the sound would have been right. You would think that with all the hype of the Grammys they could at least have the sound working properly. You could tell that she was giving it all, you just couldn't hear her. Even though her outfit was a little different, it matched her mic...so that was amazing to me. :)
I first have a bone to pick with whoever dresses Coldplay. Now, I'm not a huge fan of this group or their type of music, so I can't really judge their performance, but I do know fashion. And I can tell you that what they were wearing was NOT something that needed to be worn. Whoever they have dressing them needs to be fired. Maybe not just fired. They should be forced to stand in the middle of Times Square...naked...with a sign around their neck that says "Punch me. I rob good people of their fashion sense."
While I'm on the subject of Coldplay...what genre are they actually? Not rock. That isn't rock. I really don't know who thinks they are. But...maybe they should stand next to the naked stylists in Times Square.
Next...What in the hell were they thinking when they let M.I.A. perform on her due date??? Could you imagine the pain she had to have been going through? I've never been pregnant, so I'm probably not the best to say what she was feeling. All I know is that if her water had broken on stage it would have been mass confusion. What if she would have just popped right there in the middle of her performance. I don't think that the performance would have lost any of it's..."spunk"...if she wouldn't have been there. And the world would probably be a little better off if they wouldn't have seen that outfit they had her in. I felt bad for pregnant ladies everywhere. (Another candidate for the Times Square treatement.)
Let's go to the Group/Duo category. What is a Group or a Duo? It is two or more people singing in a group or a duo...right? Well...most people that know me know that I'm a HUGE Rascal Flatts fan and have been since before they were huge themselves. So I was, of course, pulling for them to win. Luckily for them...they are a group. They all sing. Not just Gary. But JoeDon and Jay actually sing on some of their songs. I don't know if you have ever watched Sugarland perform or heard them sing, but it is Jennifer Nettles singing and this guy playing a guitar. It is not a duo. Jennifer is a solo artist and she has a guitar player. I mean...who can even tell me that guitar players name? I know I can't. I'm sure Shania Twain has a guitar player but you didn't see her winning duo awards. So, I'm not very happy that Sugarland won the Group/Duo award. It was clearly Rascal Flatt's award and next year the Grammy people better have it right.
Now...what was up with Blink-182? Why do they think anyone would want them to come back? What are they going to contribute to the music industry? I don't think they're going to last very long this time around. I think people have grown out of that stage. They have grown up. Release an album if that's what you feel you need to do...then crawl back under your rock. I'm sure that won't bug anyone.
(I'm going to take a break in my Grammy rant to tell everyone that I hate my neighbor. His name is Tim. He sings. Wait, no...he doesn't sing. He screams. And sounds like some kind of ugly animal dying. One of these days I'm going to start belting out some country song and annoy the hell out of him. He is singing right now..."Baby, I'm sorry that I didn't go to your party!"...something like that. I have no idea. It's stupid. And he sucks.)
(Oh and did I mention that he wears tight girl pants. He and his emo girlfriend share pants I'm pretty sure.)
Ok...back to the Grammys.
Another thing that most people know about me is that I'm not a huge Allison Krauss fan. Am I the only one that had never heard of the song that she and What's -his-name did together? I don't even know the guy that she sang with. Every single other collaboration that was nominated was better than that song. They were all things that people had heard of AND they were just better. Period. THEN...they won best album? What? They had more songs together? Who bought that album? I've already mentioned that I don't like Coldplay, but I would have rather them won the award.

I think I'm done with that. I'm just ready for the Oscars. Hopefully they won't let me down.

Grammmmmmy Night.

2009-02-08T17:16:00.000-08:00

Just chilling in Kevin's apartment watching the Grammy's on his big TV. It would be wonderful but we don't have the same opinion on music. And I mean NONE of our opinions are the same. We don't even have the same opinion on opinions. Good grief. It's going to be a great couple of hours.

I have a lot of studying to do. I have my first History test and my first Sociology test. I'm hoping I do good in both...but we'll see. I also have work this week so I won't have that much time to study. I'm basically going to have to put everything else aside other than sleeping, studying, and eating. Great. I don't like doing that.

I hate school.

I've realized that again. Totally not what I like doing. And I still have at least two more years of this. Gahhhhhhhh. At least I have friends.

I want a sprite.

I want Kevin to hang his posters up. They're just sitting on the floor.

I want to watch Twilight.

I don't want to work anymore. Three days was enough for me.

I'll like it when I get paid I guess.

I've been having really good, but weird, dreams. I can't share them with anyone. And I think I want them to come true. But they can't.

Weird.

I want to go to New York.

I want to escape from the world.

I want my hair to be more red.

I love Taylor Swift. She's so pretty and she writes songs that are amazing!

Miley Cyrus rocks my socks off too.

I love my kind of music. And I don't mind if anyone makes fun of me for it. It makes me happy.

I want the glam and the glitz of life.

What happens during the 8 hours I sleep at night. That's a long time that I'm not aware of.

I want to have kids...I'm just not sure I'll ever be able to handle it.

I wish I could dance like the Pussycat Dolls.

I want money. It makes me happy. Happier than most things/people can.

I really don't like Allison Krauss.

I miss my parents...but I would never want to go back to my childhood. I like being independent. But on that same note, I don't like being financially independent. I don't think I can handle the responsibility.

I wish I was great at one thing.

I don't know why I'm not smarter...I was raised to be smarter than I am.

I don't like people watching over me while I'm writing things. On paper or on the computer. It really bugs me and makes me want to just stop completely. I feel that they are judging me.

What are animals thinking?

These are things I think of.

I should write a news column

2009-02-04T09:13:00.000-08:00

Today I found out how obsessed I really am with Sex and the City.
In class we had to tell of our "guilty pleasures" and I of course went straight for what I enjoy to do every day. Watch my four girls battle through the problems that I've already seen them tackle a million times. I didn't just tell the class that I like it. I told the class that I own the complete series, I watch the reruns on TBS, I own the movie, I own the books, I have posters on all of my walls, I have a shirt that says "I'm a Carrie", and my dog's name is Carrie. My professor looked at me and said, "I guess you really are obsessed."
If you would have seen the look she gave me you would understand how I felt.
I wondered if my obsession had become more than just an enjoyable time away from reality. Had I become one of the people that live more in the television than in their real life.
I suppose I have.
I can tell you the last time that I used a SATC reference to explain something happening in my life, but I can't tell you the last time I used a historical reference to explain...anything.

I also made a friend today which made me happy. A random, talkative girl names Lauren bumped into me. And now we're going to eat lunch. Exciting stuff.

Going to lunch...so I'll blog more later.

These days have been good to me.

2009-02-02T10:21:00.001-08:00

I think we have to go through bad times to appreciate the good times.

Kevin and I had a talk the other night and he said something about me that I took offense too at first, then later realized that it's very true. I never remember the good things in life, I always remember the bad times. The times people have hurt me. The times I have hurt people.
That was a horrible night for me. I realized many things about myself that I don't like.
I'm going to change them. I won't be able to do it all at once, but little by little I WILL be a better person.

I want to be more creative. I want people to read my blogs and get a new perspective on life. I want teachers to see my work and think to themselves, "This girl knows what she's talking about and just might make it in this world". I want my parents to know that they did a good job, and I'll be able to take care of myself. I want my friends to know that they made a good choice in deciding to stick with me.

Gary Allan soothes me. Every song sings to my soul. Even if the content of the song doesn't directly connect with my life, his voice just makes everything right. Nothing seems wrong while he is singing. In saying that, I get to see him at the Houston Rodeo on March 18th. Words can't express how happy I am about that.

Other artists know how to reach me also:

Taylor Swift

Rascal Flatts

Maroon 5

Dierks Bentley

Jessica Simpson

Carrie Underwood

Garth Brooks

Casting Crowns

John Legend

Pat Green

I just love music. Obviously you can tell that I listen to a lot of country. I think that some people don't think that country songs are as poetical as other genres. This is a horribly wrong stereotype. The only thing different with country and other types of music is that most country artists come out with their feelings instead of masking it behind a metaphor. Yes, some of them do. But most of them come out and say it: "We believed in love forever, but I guess we were wrong." That's probably why I connect with it better, I don't like to analyze my music.

I like having earlier classes.

I hate waking up early though.

I like feeling like I've accomplished something before noon.

I need to work out. I ate too much yesterday.

Today in sociology we talked about fairy tales and how they influence little girls to think about themselves. We read an article by a woman that didn't want little girls to think that they could get what they wanted in life (handsome prince, pretty clothes, and a "happily ever after" ending) with just beauty. She wanted to let girls know that they have to have intelligence in order to get things. She also wanted little girls to know that when they were looking for the things they wanted that their prince wasn't always going to be an actual "prince", that he might have a few dents in his armor. What she basically was saying was that even though these fairy tales are good, they needed to be altered by the people telling them to fit the teachings of the parents so children would learn what was true in life.
I know that there is a difference between fantasy and reality and that everyone needs to know that difference. But I also believe that when you are a little kid you don't need to know all the dangers of the world. It is a horrible place out in the real world and knowing that there might not be a prince out there for you is something that a four year old in princess pj's doesn't need to know. There is no reason to ruin the imaginations of little girls everywhere just so they are prepared in life. At least wait till they are old enough to know the difference between fiction and nonfiction (which is easy to say, but is actually a tough thing for most kids to learn). There shouldn't be grown adults walking around and waiting for their princes to ride up on great white stallions, but let the little girls keep searching for their glass slipper.
The problem most girls in my class had with the fairy tales was that it painted the women as weak. I don't know what is wrong with me if that is right, because I like to be taken care of. I want a man to rescue me from harm and make me his princess.
Of course that is coming from someone who doesn't want a real job and just wants to be a stay at home mom, so I am probably different than the working women of the world.

"I'm just no damn good am I baby...
Every day I go a little more crazy."

I wish I could be a little kid for the rest of my life.

I wish I had a DVR here in Nac so I could study on the weekdays and watch my shows on the weekends. I hate having to watch in regular time.

I want to go to a new place soon.

I like to travel.

I can't wait to go home though. Just for a couple of days. I think I will be very happy when that happens on the 20th. And I know Dutchess will be happy to see Thomas and Toulouse. Carrie better be happy to see me.

I'll take her to the park.

Every day I start to think that I might like to be a writer. I think I could do it. Not a journalist (that's my current major). A writer. Books. I could do it. I'm a romantic. They'd be good books. I could take some creative writing classes and be set.

I'd still have to teach until I made it big.

It happens to the best of us.

"You don't know a think about me
unless you know how much
I need to be with you"

I love being in love.

Walking around campus holding hands.

Makes me ready for spring.

And Valentine's Day.

sigh

Kevin and I went to the poster sale today to look for posters for his apartment. I hate how it's so bland in here. I think he found a few things he likes. Not really my taste, but I don't have a say until we get married...so I just let him pick what he wanted. I'll take anything as long as it gives this place some flair.

"She wants her nails painted black
she wants the toy in the cracker jack
she wants to ride the bull at the rodeo."

I painted my nails black the other day because I wanted a change.

My dad mailed me three boxes of cracker jacks...I ate won...lost the other two.

Did I mention that I'm seeing Gary Allan at the rodeo? (There will be bulls there too).

I turned in 14 applications last week. No one has called me back yet. It's hard times these days. I made a bad choice. Lost a guaranteed job. Mom's mad. That's life.

It's not what happens to you, it's how you react.

That's what my dad always says. I think I'm finally understanding it and taking it and using it.

Harder than it sounds.

I've always searched for the one thing in my life that would make everything else make sense. I'm believing to think that it's not really out there.

"Life ain't always beautiful
tears will fall sometimes.
Life ain't always beautiful
but it's a beautiful ride."

Is it me?

2009-01-30T20:20:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to open this blog with a lot of nonsense talk. I'm going to get straight to the point.
I think I push my friends away.
I don't try to. I love my friends. But my friends are always changing. I mean, I have a lot of the same friends as I've always had. But the statuses of my relationships change.
I've always dreamed of a fairy tale life where you grow up with one person and they're your best friend and they're yours...but that just hasn't happened for me...and there's nothing I can do about it. It seems that every time I label someone as my "best friend" I end up pushing them away somehow.
Here is my friend cycle: Friend. Close friend. Best Friend. Close Friend. Friend. And who are you?
On a different, yet same, note...I found out rather recently that nobody was a huge fan of mine in high school. I know that that's in the past and that high school kids are immature and tacky like that, but I do have feelings and it still hurt. Just knowing that part of my life was a lie. That I spent my time trying to impress and be there for people that didn't care about me the way I cared about them.
So that leads me to believe that maybe at some point I was their friend, and they did like me...but maybe I just pushed them away.
I don't know what leads to this. Maybe I'm afraid of someone hurting me first, so I try to make the first move. I don't think that's correct because I hate hurting people. If I know that I'm hurting someone I try to stop it or make up for it. Or maybe it's just because I'm a bad person. I wasn't raised to be a bad person...and I really don't think I am, but I'm not sure there is another explanation for what is happening.
Basically I spend all of my time outside of class with Kevin. I love that. Really I do. The reason I am in a relationship with Kevin is because I do want to spend the rest of my life with him. But it seems that my friends don't like hanging out with "Jordan and Kevin" all the time.
That leads me to my next point.
How do you decide how much time is the right amount of time to spend with your friends vs the time you spend with your significant other?
I really don't know. Like I said, I love spending all of my time with Kevin. But I know my friends want their Jordan back. That's pretty much all there is to say on that topic.
Basically the same thing though...how do you handle your friends that aren't friends with each other? I'm already having to spread my time out between friends and boyfriend...how much else am I expected to do? Part of me wants to tell my friends that they can get over it and spend time together if they want to see me. But then the other part of me just wants to please everyone and try to spend time with every single person individually.

I bring all of this up because I have realized lately that some of my friends don't want to hang out with me as much. And if they don't express it, they just don't talk to me as much. I don't want this to seem like a "pity blog"...it's just what's on my mind lately.

All in all...I'm glad I'm in a relationship. Because if I wasn't, I'm sure I would die a crazy old cat lady.

Been on my mind...

2009-01-27T08:16:00.000-08:00

As you may know going to movies is one of my favorite things in the entire world. I like just watching movies at home as well, but actually getting dressed and putting on make up and going to the theatre and paying a million dollars to see a brand new movie just makes me a happy camper. This is what I expect when I go to the cinema. I expect to arrive at the theatre and walk into a nice place where everyone is in their respective lines getting their tickets and popcorn. I expect to pay too much for my tickets, too much for my concessions, and then have to sit in a seat that is too small for my round bottom. While I am sitting in that uncomfortable seat I expect to be surrounded by other excited movie-goers that are ready to enjoy the next two hours of entertainment with me. When the lights dim I expect to be left in a silence so quiet that I can hear my fellow companions breathe in the anticipation for the previews to start. When the previews do get rolling I expect everyone to watch them as if they've never seen them before. Even though I see most previews about 10 times before the movie comes out, there could be someone in that theatre that is just now getting the oppurtunity to see the trailer for the first time. After I hear about the coming attractions I expect the silence to continue through out the entirity of the feature film. Not to say that I don't expect laughs when they are meant to be had, sniffles when they are prompted, and screams when they are extracted, that's supposed to happen if a movie is good enough to deserve them. After the movie is finished I expect everyone to pause for a little bit, take in the film, and then discuss it on their way out to their rides, taking their trash with them.
What I get is another thing entirely.
When I arrive I am greeted by a million children screaming profanities at each other, wearing things that I wouldn't catch a hooker in, with no parent in sight. After a few minutes of trying to figure out if the short, annoying people are actually in line or just gossiping about what Jill and John did last night, I get to buy my tickets. (The ticket prices are one of the things that are expected that actually occur.) My party and I weave in and out of all the kids throwing popcorn around the lobby and get into our assigned theatre. After we sit, waiting for the show to begin, we are surrounded by people that look like they really don't want to be there, like they had better things to do with their Friday nights. After the theatre is filled and the movie is about to start the crowd is pretty unruly, you couldn't hear a lion roar if you had hearing aides. When the previews begin the sound rarely ever quiets down. This annoys me, and I know a lot of people who agree with me, because the previews do happen to be one of the best parts of the movie going experience. But, you know, it's just the previews, I didn't pay for that. So I wait for the feature to start. Once it does, you do still hear a few whispers and giggles for a while. If everything else that had happened wasn't bad enough, you get a group of about 5-8 pre-teens "movie-hopping" into your movie 45 minutes after it started. And they don't come in quietly. Lord no. They come in sounding like a heard of cattle, mooing all the way. After 20 or so minutes, half of them decide they want to see something else and they leave with their tails behind them. Also, no matter how many signs say to "silence your cell phone" there is always a rap song that starts playing in the back of the theatre that you know doesn't belong in the middle of the drama that you are watching. Depending on the age group that is watching the movie, I always hear laughs at the wrong part. I don't know if some people just don't know what funny is, but before they go to a dramatic movie about a mother losing her son they need to figure it out. After the movie is over I continue to take in my surroundings as others jump over the seats, yelling to their friends, and leaving their trash behind on the floor for someone else to pick up.
Recently I went with a couple of my friends to see the Angelina Jolie movie Changeling. She is nominated for Best Actress for this movie so I figured it would be a great movie, and I was correct. The movie was amazing. The only problem was that I watched it at a college movie theatre. You wouldn't think that college students could be that rude. I wouldn't think it. If you walked into that movie theatre while that movie was going on you would have thought that there were elementary students scattered in the crowd. Everytime Ms. Jolie got emotional and yelled, I stiffled tears, but the immature kids around me laughed. When a character did something triumphant there was cheering, whistling, and clapping in the crowd. I'm sorry, but they can't hear you. I can. And it's ruining my experience.
So please, if you are one of the people that like to ruin movie-goer's times, take my word to heart and please stop. The theatre is not a football game, it is a place of art that is meant to be enjoyed by everyone.
Plus, if we are paying that much to get in, we should get to at least hear the show.

So...I'm video blogging these days.

2008-11-19T20:24:00.000-08:00

We were both young when I first saw you.

2008-11-19T10:46:00.000-08:00

*sigh*
Is it Thursday yet?
I need it to be Thursday. After four PM though. Can you make that happen?
If you can, you're my hero.

Yesterday I found out that I made a 71 on my last history test. Even though it is a step up from my last test, it means that I have to do really good on my final to try to get a C in the class. School is so hard. Boo.

I'm just ready to get home. I don't have much to blog about because I'm just so excited that tomorrow is Thursday and that means I get to go home and I get to see Twilight. And my puppy. :)

And Kevin.

I have started to realize that it's almost Christmas break though. You know what that means? A long time without seeing my Nac friends. That will be sad. I can take it though. We lasted all summer without each other. We can do it.

Gosh...I've done nothing all day. Just sat here. I've tried to do some homework. But I think my teacher is making it up, because I can't find it in the book. Boo.

Also, I've been trying to get my dad to put the internet capabilities back on my phone so I can get ringtones. He doesn't really like the idea. Probably because I abused the privileges last time. The only reason that happened though was because I was watching whole football games on NFL Mobile when I was in Zeta meetings. I won't have to worry about that this time because I don't have those meetings, I can just watch them games on TV. :)

So daddy, I know you're going to read this. Pleaseeeee!!!

Ok...going to do more of nothing!!!

Did I wake you?

2008-11-17T19:45:00.000-08:00

This weekend was a great weekend! Of course it was a weekend so that made it good to start with...but after the week I had...it was WELL worth it. I don't even want to go over all the stuff that happened last week...I'll just focus on the AMAZING-NESS of this weekend.
So, If you didn't know, Kevin came to visit me and to look for an apartment for next semester. Not only did that GRAND thing happen...but Kip also came to visit Marie, which was great because through the year and a half I've known Marie...I had yet to meet Kip. But I finally did...and he's coolio... :) (Watch out because he'll sing Koolio for you)

So, on Friday Kevin and I went to see Madagascar 2. Amazing movie. So funny. Usually the sequels aren't that great, but I loved it. Not only did he take me to a movie, but he took me to Marble Slab...mmmm...my favorite. :) On Saturday we woke up pretty early for a Saturday morning...in my opinion. We had lunch at IHop and then met Marie, Brandon, and Kip for the movies. We saw the new Bond flick, Quantum of Solace. I was one of the few Americans that missed out on Casino Royale...so I wasn't too excited about this movie...but they all were...so I sat through it for them. I almost fell asleep at a few parts, but it wasn't too bad. I am a sucker for British accents though...so I could handle that...and Daniel Craig's BLUE eyes. :) I miss Pierce though.

After that we decided that we were going to eat at La Carreta for dindin...but had till 5. Kevin and I drove around and looked at houses, our favorite time killer. We arrived early so we sat in the the car, next to a cactus with prickly pears on it. Kevin told me that he would go pick one for me. I thought that sounded rather sweet, so I told him ok. It was a horrible idea. It's "pricklys" get stuck in your fingers and it hurts really really bad. We both had our fingers covered and couldn't quite get them all out. Everyone else at the table thought it was a riot though...they need to just wait...one of these days they're going to be hurting and I'm going to just laugh at them. Ha. :)

That night we ended up hanging with Allison and Jeryca and walked around Hastings trying to play Rockband...but some kids wouldn't get off. So we came back to the room and watched Saw instead. Not my choice. I hated it. Again. No bad dreams though, so that's good.

Sunday we missed churh. Oops. Blame it on me. I was tired. Kevin wasn't too happy about it. Oh well. We have our whole lives to go to church. This was a great day for me though. Tony was back to play for the Cowboys! And they won! :) Kevin and I got pretty bored before the game started so we drove around and found some AMAZING houses. Very expensive looking houses. We want them all. Then we went to Pecan Park and played around on the play ground and took pictures. Today Kevin woke up early and went apartment searching. He thought he found the one he liked, but after I went to class (what would have been class, but it was cancelled) I took him to one more and we fell in love with it. Luckily they are very pet friendly and I can have Carrie and Dutchess up here with me. :) That made my already wonderful weekend even better!

I almost forgot about one of the best parts of today. Kevin, Marie, and I had a pizza picnic at the park! It was amazing. Looked beautiful. We took even more pictures.

So...I just have to get through classes all day tomorrow...Wednesday with nothing (WebCT day in Com class)...classes for Thursday...then I'm home free for Thanksgiving break! I'm pretty stoked! Not going to lie.

Oh...Kevin got his hair cut. I'm not going to lie, I was super nervous about the whole thing. He can pull off the long hair, but once it gets a certain length it's gross and way too long. I was pleasantly surprised. He looks amazing with his new hair cut. If you haven't seen it, go to my facebook and check out our new pictures.

So, gosh...great weekend! Can't wait for the rest of the semester to be over though...almost here!!!

The Best Day...

2008-11-13T09:51:00.000-08:00

If you didn't know already, I'm am pretty much in love with Taylor Swift. Her new CD is AMAZING! I love all of the songs. My favorite is The Way I Loved You...but The Best Day is a close second. Taylor wrote it for her daddy...and I think it's a great song...So Dad, (since I know you're the only one that reads this), I dedicate this song to you.
I miss you when I'm at school!!!

I'm five years old
It's getting cold out
I've Got my big coat on

I hear your laugh
And look up at smilin at you
I run and run
Past the pumpkin patch
And the tractor rides
Look now, the sky is gold
I hug your legs
And fall asleep on the way home

I don't know why all the trees change in the fall
But I know you're not scared of anything at all
Don't know if Snow White's house is near or far away
But I know I had the best day with you today

I'm 13 now
And don't know how
My friends could be so mean
I come home crying
And you hold me tight
And grab the keys

And we drive and drive
Until we found a town far enough away
And we talk and window shop
Til i've forgotten all their names

I don't know who I'm gonna talk to now at school
But I know I'm laughin
On the car ride home with you
Don't know how long it's gonna take to feel okay
But I know I had the best day with you today

I have an excellent father
His strengh is making me stronger
God smiles on my little brother
Inside and out
He's better than I am

I grew up in a pretty house
And I had space to run
And I had the best days with you

There is a video I found
From back when I was three
You set up a paint set in the kitchen
And you're talkin to me
It's the age of princesses and pirate ships
And the seven dwarves
My Daddy's smart
And you're the prettiest lady in the whole wide world

Now I know why the all the trees change in the fall
I know you were on my side
Even when I was wrong
And I love you for giving me your eyes
Staying back and watching me shine

And I didn't know if you knew
So I'm takin this chance to say
I had the best day with you today

Of course the video I see from when I was three is just of me running around the back yard...swinging...and sliding...but it's all the same. :))

puppies = love

2008-11-11T17:58:00.001-08:00

I'm down right now. I think all I need is my puppy.
If anyone would like to bring me Carrie I would be eternally grateful.

Thanks.

Good Grief.

2008-11-11T08:53:00.000-08:00

It's a rather gloomy day in the neighborhood. Just like yesterday. Clouds. Rain. Yuck.

It's actually worse than yesterday. Probably because I have three classes today, not just one.

I don't know why I went to sleep on Sunday night at 9:30 when I didn't have a class till 2:30 PM the next day and then last night I didn't lay down till 2AM when I had to get up at least by 8:30 AM to go to breakfast. I guess my body doesn't understand the kind of sleep I need to survive. Oh well. I got up this morning. Probably because my mother called me at 7:30 and when I didn't answer she called me again. After letting her "hear my little voice" I tried to roll back over and go to sleep...only to get a text from Kevin about 10 minutes later. After reading it, and not responding, I rolled over yet again to try to get a little more sleep. It was hot in my room this morning so I yanked the covers off of me and just laid there looking at the wall. About 10 minutes after that Jeryca's alarm went off. It was 8AM. I decided that the world was trying to wake me up for some reason, so I rolled out of bed...not happy to be alive.

Oh well. I had breakfast with friends this morning. And I suppose being alive is better than the alternative.

I'm so ready for Thanksgiving break...it's almost here. Only 7 more class days till I'm out of here! Then it's a world of never-ending turkey...pumpkin pie...pecan pie...dressing...happy people...and Cowboys football. Oh gosh...sounds almost too good to be true.

Oh, but before Thanksgiving gets here, the day I get home for Thanksgiving break, I get to go to the midnight showing of TWLIGHT!!!! The movie is finally here!!! I don't think I can express how happy I am right now. I've been ready for this for a while...and it's going to be beyond amazing. I mean...BEYOND AMAZING!!! Robert Pattinson, AKA Edward Cullen, is going to be in Dallas today for autographs and such. Marie and I were trying to think of ways we could get there and not skip class. There was no way. You had to be at the Hot Topic at the Galleria by 6AM to get a wristband to meet him. Sad day. But knowing that he is just three hours away from me...wow...that's good enough. :))

Kevin is coming to see me this week and Kip is coming to see Marie. We are very excited about it. We're going to double date on Saturday night. It's going to be just like the movies. We're hoping that Kip and Kevin become good friends. Who knows if they will. (They better!)

Well now Kevin is complaining to be about not coming to him with my problems...it's going to be a great day in my neck of the woods!

As Charlie Brown puts it..."Good Grief".

I guess I'll write a real blog...

2008-11-10T13:38:00.001-08:00

So, I need to catch back up on this blogging thing. I was doing a really good job of it last semester and I guess I gradually over the summer let it die. Probably because I think Marie and Dad are the only two people that read this thing and I tell them about everything anyway.
Last night I laid down at about 9:30 and was asleep pretty soon after that. That is probably the earliest I have gone to sleep in a long time. Probably since I was in Intermediate School. I wasn’t sick or anything, just extremely tired. When I woke up at 8:55 to go to the restroom I thought about staying up and starting my day early, but when I peeked outside and realized how ugly of a day it was...I changed my mind and crawled back in my bed.
My bed here at school isn’t half as comfy as my bed at home. After sleeping in my amazing bed at home I hate the one in my dorm. It’s lumpy...probably because the little eggshell thing I have, trying to make it comfier always lumps up and will never stay fixed...and the sheets aren’t my comfy red ones that I love. I can’t wait till winter break so I’ll have a month or so of total comfort!
It’s getting cold again. Who knows how long it will last this time. Hopefully longer than a day. Of course it came with rain...which made me not like today too much. But I do love the cold! I’m wearing a bright orange VV jacket today. Just because I can. :)) It makes me miss home. But on the positive side I will never get hit by a car because it’s so bright you can probably see it from Jupiter. Back to the cold...I love it! “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas!” I’m already in the Christmas mood. They’re using the Christmas cups already at Starbucks. Not that I’m getting any Starbucks because I don’t have any money...but I’m sitting by Starbucks so I can smell all the wonderful coffee being made and drank by people that are lucky enough to have $5 to spend on it. (This is a plug to get my daddy to send me Starbucks money).
I have a huge history test on Thursday...which probably means that I shouldn’t be wasting my time writing a blog, and I should be studying. Oh well. I’ll do it later. I can’t sit and study for hours on end. I’m sure my head would explode. I also have a paper due on Thursday that I thought was due NEXT Thursday...so I’ll be working on that along with my studying.
So, Marie and I decided that we needed to change our AIM screen-names because her’s is old, and mine is about Zeta. If you have any ideas let me know because I am not that creative. (Dad, I don’t want anything about toenails...)
Ok, I guess this is enough of a blog for now. Maybe when I have something real to talk about I’ll write another one.

I wrote a poem

2008-11-06T17:09:00.000-08:00

Boy meets girl.
Girl meets boy.
Boy likes girl.
Girl loves boy.
Boy leads girl on.
Girl follows boy wherever he leads.
Boy likes girl.
Girl still loves boy.
Boy leaves girl.
Girl misses boy.
Boy writes to girl.
Girl continues to love boy.
Boy doesn't go back to girl.
Girl goes to boy.
Boy drags girl further down.
Girl can't get enough of boy.
Boy lets go of girl.
Girl falls.
Girl loses all hope.
Girl is all alone.
Girl is lost.
Boy wants girl.
Girl loves another boy
Boy calls girl.
Girl falls again for boy.
Boy goes home to girl.
Girl loves boy.
Boy leaves girl again.
Girl loses all hope, is alone, is lost...again.
Boy forgets girl.
Girl moves on.
Girl finds hope.
Girl loves.

It's a survey but I thought it should be shared.

2008-10-02T13:48:00.000-07:00

01] Do you have the guts to answer these questions and re-post as The Controversial Survey?
I will answer them all...but I probably won't post it as that.

[02] Would you do meth if it was legalized?
No. Why would I do something that would kill me? I don't play in traffic just because it isn't illegal.

[03] Abortion:for or against it?
I am for it in certain cases. I don't think that a girl that got pregnant should get one just because she doesn't want a child.

But I do think that it should always be the woman, not the government's choice.

[04] Do you think the world would fail with a female president?
No I don't think the world would fail. We would probably have some problems considering that there are some people stuck in their stubborn ways. But I think that a woman can do just as good of a job as a man.

[05] Do you believe in the death penalty?
I'm from Texas, so that's a given.

But I think if I even wasn't from Texas I would believe in it. There are some people that just do horrible things that should never be able to breathe again.

[06] Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already?
Didn't I basically answer that question with the meth one? It could kill you. It damages your body.
Why would you want to do something like that?

[07] Are you for or against premarital sex?
I would be a hypocrite if I said that I was against it. But I do have a great respect for people that wait.

08] Do you believe in God?
I do believe that there is a God.

[09] Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized
The Christian in me says that it shouldn't be, because of the things that the Bible says.

But then the other part of me thinks that we have evolved enough, and that it has been a few years since the Bible was born, and things have changed.

So, I think that it would be fine for it to be legalized, that is the person's decision to be the way they are. I am no one to stop it.

[10] Do you think it's wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the USA?
Yes if they're doing it illegally. I really don't see what is so wrong of doing it legally. Why can't they do what they need to do to become a US citizen. They're not getting the rights that make the US so good if they are illegal. They have to hide.
What's the fun in that?

[11] A twelve year old girl has a baby, should she keep him?
That is the gray area in abortions.

First off, I don't think she is old enough to have sex. And if she did it willingly I blame the parents for not raising her well enough to know that she can't go dropping her pants before she's even a teen. Part of me thinks that if she did it willingly she should have to live with the consequences and have the baby. But a 12 year old's body is not equipped to carry a baby for nine months and then go through labor, it could damage her for life and probably hurt her chances of having kids in the future.

If she didn't have sex willingly, like if she was raped, she should be able to have an abortion because she shouldn't be forced to live with something like that for the rest of her life.

Like I said, it's a real gray area.

[12] Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen?
I know that the drinking age used to be 18. And I know that lots of people that are between the ages of 18 and 21 think that the age should be lowered again. But there is a good reason that they raised the age. People were dying. More than should have been.
I know that people still drink and do stupid things and die before they are 21, but why risk it?

[13] Should the war in Iraq be called off?
I think that the war should have never started, but now that we are in it we should stick it out and support what we are doing.

With that said, it should be ended as soon as possible. This has been going on since 2001. That's 7 years. What has it done? If it has done anything, it's just made Americans even more scared of terrorists and anything else that poses a threat to our country.

So, I think we should get our troops out of there. But in a planned out way. We can't just "call it off".

[14] Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree?
I find this a hard thing to think about. if someone is lying in a bed hurting really bad, who are we to say that he can't tell the doctors to pull the plug? He is in pain. I wouldn't want to lie in pain for days, weeks, months, even years. Sometimes it's better to let them just leave this life and go to heaven.

[15] Do you believe in spanking your children?
Yes I believe in spanking your children.

I don't believe in beating your children.

But a little smack with a belt now and then never killed anyone.

Gosh it hurt a whole lot, but I'm sure I'm a better person for it.

[16] Would you burn an American flag for a million dollars?
Maybe one of those little dollar store ones. lol.

But no, that's just plain disrespectful. And whoever put me up to that should be shipped off to the front lines in Iraq.

[17] Who do you think would make a better president? McCain or Obama?
Obama.

I don't feel like going on and on about why he will.

But at least he won't kill over withing a few months of being elected.

[18] Do you think Obama will be killed?
I would like to think that he won't. I like to think that people are more mature than that.

We let black men act in our movies and win our oscars. We let black men teach our children. We let black men perform surgery on our dying relatives. Why can we not let a black man run our country? They already do in more ways than one. What does a white man do better than a black man? Nothing.

[19] Should child predators be forced to wear signs identifying themselves?
I don't see why child predators are even out in the world. Why aren't they locked up somewhere in a private community where they can't get to any of our children. I'm all for second chances. But not for someone who sexually abused a child. No way. That's not only wrong, it's just plain gross.

[20] Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers?
Oh I know they will. But i think that it really shouldn't matter because they are my feelings.

Don't let it happen again

2008-09-30T23:33:00.000-07:00

We think we know who we are and what we're about. Even if we don't know right away, we figure it out in the end. Right?

Because sometime we think we have it all figured out the "BAM" our of nowhere something smacks us straight in the face unexpectedly.

Maybe we never know who we are. Maybe we will never know the true us.

I may never be too decisive about anything, but I always think I know who I am. When I make a decision, I stick to it. I try to give my heart and go with it.

Is it all worth is?

I've had moments in my life when I knew exactly who I was and exactly who I wanted to be. That was two years ago and I now find myself to be a completely different person and I want completely different things.

Is the thing that matters the most right now going to matter as much to me ten years down the road?

I like to think that I'm old enough now that I can make life long decisions and be fine with the results. But how will I ever know? I don't want to have to live with a mistake for the rest of my life. I know I should just give my heart and go in every aspect of my life, friends, relationships, school work, it's just hard.

I know who I am...I love Kevin, I'm very happy with all of my friends, and I would do anything for my family...but I'm not sure if the me I know is the real me. I don't want to change, so how and I suppose to be sure it won't happen again?

I saw God today.

2008-09-25T08:48:00.000-07:00

Today has already been a special day. I woke up at 8:30AM...yes you read that right...8:30AM. I decided that it was a great day to go eat breakfast with my girls. I loaded my laundry basket in my truck on the way to the cafeteria so I wouldn't have to make too many trips on my way out this afternoon. After breakfast I got ready and decided to go ahead and load the rest of my stuff in the car and head over to WalMart to return my redbox movie and to buy Sex and the City. After WalMart I filled up my truck and decided that I needed to reward myself for getting up early and taking care of things so I drove over to Sonic. I ordered I medium strawberry limeade and the man on the intercom asked it I wanted to make it a large so it would last longer, I figure what the heck, it's just a few more cents. After a while he walked out with my large drink in hand and I could tell he was the manager. He got to my car and this is what he said, "So, here's how this is going to work. The lady at smoothie kind earlier gave me a smoothie, so I'm going to give you a strawberry limeade. Now you have to go out and do something good for someone." After thanking him a whole bunch, probably more than a sonic drink was worth, I drove off in awe. It was just the "pick up" that I needed to make this day perfect. It's just so amazing to see how God works. I know that I have trouble with my faith, but something like this makes me realize that the world isn't all bad, that God is here.

I can't wait till I get a chance to change someone else's day.

I'm sorry

2008-09-24T12:51:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry that I can't be perfect for everyone.

I'm sorry that I can't do exactly what everyone wants me to do.
I'm sorry that when I talk on the phone I don't talk for very long, I get uncomfortable.
I'm sorry that I don't always say the right things.
I'm sorry that I don't always say things when I'm supposed to.
I'm sorry that I can't make decisions all the time.
I'm sorry I get tempted.
I'm sorry I spend money like it's nobody's business.
I'm sorry that I can't make up my mind about what I want to do in life.
I'm sorry that I cut people off when they're talking.
I'm sorry that I like to sleep really late.
I'm sorry that I'm not that great at the whole "school" thing.
I'm sorry that I've not been the best friend I could be.
I'm sorry that I get hot really easily, I'm fat, that's how fat people are.
I'm sorry I'm mean a lot.
I'm sorry that I expect more from you.
I'm sorry that I don't like the same music as you.
I'm sorry that I have a past that I don't want to forget.
I'm sorry that I don't go to church in Nac.
I'm sorry that you don't like me.
I'm sorry that you think I don't like you.
I'm sorry that I'm not that school spirited.
I'm sorry that we grew apart.
I'm sorry that I don't like poetry.
I'm sorry that I can't remember useless history facts.
I'm sorry that I'm lazy.
I'm sorry I can't grow up like I need to.
I'm sorry that I can't forgive her.
I'm sorry I eat too much.
I'm sorry I can't go back and make everything right from the start.
I'm sorry I'm not her.

I'm sorry I'm not a hero.

Sunshine and Summertime

2008-07-15T13:19:00.000-07:00

I haven't had a real vacation in a few years. Since Branson I suppose. When Kelsey asked me to go to Florida with her and her mom, I couldn't say no. A whole week away from everything? What could be better. Of course I'm not a huge fan of the beach. I hate sand everywhere. The water is usually icky. And it's just plain hot as hell. But it was a chance to get away from everything. All the drama and craziness of back home. Let me tell you, that part has been great. Getting away from work? Basically the best thing to happen to me in forever.

I'm sitting out on our balcony looking out at the beach. It really is beautiful and peaceful. From far away of course. As soon as I step onto it I feel completely gross, but it's always worth a shot.

This morning I was sitting under the umbrella down by the water reading Nights In Rodanthe by Nicholas Sparks, imagining how it would feel to finally get to walk along the North Carolina coast with the man I love when all of a sudden out of no where two dolphins started playing in the water in front of us. It was so amazing. Of course I've pet dolphins at Sea World, but to actually see them not in captivity, but in their natural habitat was just plain cool.

I've always imagined a place like this to be romantic. A place you would go with the person you truly care about. But the people I'm here with use it as a place to get away from the men in their lives. If only I had a man in my life to get away from. Ha.

It would be nice to come out here with a few of my friends that share my same outlook on the beach.

Just driving around out here you feel footloose and fancy free, like there's no care in the world. No place to be, no one to please. Just yourself of course. And that's what we're all doing. Making ourselves happy. Kelsey and Becca love the beach, that's where they are, sitting on the beach in the sun. I love to relax and blog and watch Sex and the City and read, so that's where I am, away from the water in the shade. And the women, well they like to do a little bit of everything, and they do it. With their drinks in hand. :)

Well this sea water air is making my eyes water, so I'm going to escape back into my bedroom to read a novel and imagine myself to be Carrie Bradshaw, away from my lover on a tropical getaway.

This place I'm in is not my home.

2008-06-19T16:19:00.000-07:00

I don't like to talk about serious things. I prefer to think about them. I never know how to put my thoughts into words that will do them justice.

I wish I knew how to though. It would help. I know that talking about my feelings would be able to take a burden off my shoulders.

But as of now, I'm stuck with all of it. Alone.

I have so much on my mind these days. I don't know how to sort it all out. So many people to please that it's impossible to even try.

I wish it could be like the movies, just call in to work and tell them you'll be gone and then pack up your bags and leave. Leave to anywhere. Just fly to the beach and rest for a week. Away from the noise and drama of life. When someone finds a life like that, let me know, because I will be the first in line to get one.

I can't live a lie

2008-06-05T23:31:00.000-07:00

Can a boy and a girl just be friends? Can they have a friendship that's just, "Hey, you're my buddy that I like to talk to and hang out with"? Can they hang out with each other without other friends without being suspected of a secret romance? It is possible isn't it?

I believe it is, but I may be wrong. I just need to make sure that what I believe is true.

I like to think that I have a lot of friends, boys and girls alike. I'm not romantically attracted to 95.8% of my guy friends and obviously I'm not interested in dating 101% of my girl friends, so why can't I have one on one alone time with any of them that I choose to?

Some people think differently than I do and that really bugs me. I really don't think that an outside person should be able to tell me who I do and don't hang out with.

I've needed to blog for a long time. Luckily I've built up some emotion so I can let it all out now.

I've learned that I don't like being told what to do. Tell me what to do and unless you are some authority figure, I will probably do the opposite of what you say. I don't like to listen to my friends when they tell me who to and not to date. I don't like to listen to my co-workers when they tell me what to do (Hello, if you were my boss you wouldn't have the same job as me). I don't like to listen to my parents tell me to do chores.

I realize that I need to do some of these things, (I always end up doing my chores, but for the sake of argument I'm stating that I don't like to) and some of them get taken care of. But really, don't boss me around. By all means tell me your opinion. I would love to hear it. I'm not in any way perfect so I need all the help I can get to live my life, but you telling me exactly what to do is not helping anyone. It just makes me angry and makes you look like an idiot.

No, I'm not talking to anyone in particular. I've had many people do this to me lately. I ask for their opinion and they go overboard. Then it puts me in an interesting spot. I can either A) listen to their advice and do what they say so I won't hurt their feelings, but it may not make me completely happy, or B) don't do what they say and hurt their feelings, consequently losing a friendship and either being happy or not, who knows. So, when your opinion is called upon make sure you only give me your opinion, not a written out "How-to" manual on "How-to live Jordan's life". Trust me, if there was a good enough one of those I'd done read it by now.

I'm trying something new these days. I'm trying to be a nicer person. But I've learned that in this day and age it is extremely difficult to be sweet to everyone you associate with. It very hard to say something nice all the time. I've become so accustomed to having a sarcastic or witty comment after everything someone says that they just fly out of my mouth without me even thinking about it first.

This is quite a downfall in some cases.

I anger my mom quite frequently with this new talent of mine. I also see it in my friends faces after I say something that hurts them.

I don't know if it's because of what I watch on the TV or what I imagine to be the perfect lady that everyone wants me to be. But I do know that something needs to change in my life. I know that because I'm not happy.

I've been happy before. I've been rather content a couple times in my life. This time is not one of them. I know I'm loved. I know people care for me. I know people would hate to see me gone. But I just feel empty and alone 90% of the time. That's a lot for someone that seems so outwardly happy.

I've gone and turned this into a soap box and I'm sorry. I just needed to get a few things out on cyber paper.

You broke my heart you know

2008-05-08T01:40:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed that when you're heart breaks it really does hurt? Even though there isn't really a crack in your actual beating heart, there really is a sharp pain in your chest. And that pain is so horrendous that it makes you want to scream so loud that the whole world will wake up and feel the same agony as you. Whether it's a fresh break, or the re-opening of an old wound, it all hurts.

I personally think that old ones hurt the worse. Because you aren't prepared to feel the pain again. You think you're over it. You think you've moved on. But your heart hasn't. It's not completely healed. I guess it takes the heart a little more time than your mind to forget about something someone has done to you.

Why do you suppose it hurts so much? Who decided that when someone does someone else wrong that it would send automatic shocks of pain through their heart? I mean that's pretty harsh. It's like throwing lightning bolts straight through my chest. And it doesn't help that it comes with tears. Lots of tears. More tears than my pillow is meant to hold.

Have you also noticed that when said breaking of the heart happens that every single memory of that person that committed the crime come rushing back like a waterfall? There's no stopping it. You remember every amazing and horrible thing about that person. And you don't want to. You just want to get some sleep and dream about happy times. But you can't. You are forced to sit up and rummage through old boxes of memories that you'd thought you'd locked in the basement of your (once-again) tormented brain.

For future reference God, when you are making people, or even just women, make their hearts less breakable. It would save us a lot of pain.

(Talking to the mirror, whispering your name. It's just like you were here. You'd think I was insane. I hold these conversations in the silence of my room, rehearsing all the things I'd say, should I run into you. How's it going, might be what I'd say. You broke my heart you know, or it looks like rain today. Or God I've missed since you went away. You're looking well or go to hell, might be what I'd say. There's time I've been so angry i could put my fist right through the wall and then there's times I've come so close to giving you a call. I love you and I hate you all at the same time and then I pray you'll come back to me before I lose my mind. -Gary Allan)

I hate poetry

2008-04-28T00:31:00.001-07:00

It's the truth. I really don't like poetry. But the other night I couldn't sleep and wrote some. Not good by any stretch, so don't judge. Just a few scribbles.

"I lay here at night

actually the early morn

thinking of the things

I've accomplished in my life

I've made someone laugh,

I've made someone cry

I've even made someone wish

they never were alive

Some things I'm proud of.

Some things I'm not.

But I have to be honest

I wouldn't change a whole lot

I've loved with my whole heart

I've hated with it more

Changing that part is one

that I wish I could

I've lived a pretty full life

For a girl of my age

I'm ready to write the next chapter

give me a fresh page"

I never know when to make poetry rhyme. I mean I studied it all through senior year, so I know some things. But I've always thought that poetry was jut left up to interpretation.

"Have I let you down?

And I what you planned"

Do I amount to everything you dreamed a little girl to be?

I look to you every day and wonder,

"Do I make him proud".

I know you say I do,

but you know I have doubts.

I spend all your money

and cause problems over little things.

Wouldn't you be happier with someone smarter,

skinnier,

even prettier?

I've always thought myself to be 'Daddy's Little Girl',

but are you tired yet of bailing me out of trouble?

You may be confused,

this may take you by surprise

because we rarely fight or bicker.

I just thought I'd run it by you,

in case you need a change."

I don't have any stanzas, or any format for that matter. I just kinda poured stuff out on paper.

Blah.

"What have I done,

What did I do,

to deserve this kind of life?

The kind that seems great,

the kind that some may want.

When the truth is that I want more,

that I yearn for more.

More than I can get,

More than is possible of achieving.

People see one side of my life,

the side I don't hide.

The glam and the glitz

That's what I try to be about,

but there's another one,

One deep down inside that few see.

It's not that dark,

just a little gray.

Tainted by a past I'm getting over.

I'm not sad with my life,

don't get me wrong.

I just need to know what I can do

What I can do to help me move on

On from the past,

onto the future

So tell me what I've done

to make things like they are."

Ok this last one is a little more structured. Inspired by Rascal Flatts' song, "Help Me Remember". :)

"Help me remember

the secret of life

is is only to become

the perfect husband or wife?

Or is it something different?

Is that not it at all?

Is it only to dance

Until the one day you fall?

Help me remember

What it's like to be a child.

Is it only pure happiness,

living every day running wild?

Or is it something different?

Do I have it all wrong?

Is it only complete bliss?

Oh, It's just been too long.

Help me remember

How is was when I was with you.

Was it only a passing phase?

Did you know you'd leave me blue?

Or was it something different?

Did you mean everything you said?

Was it only to save yourself,

that you hurt me instead?"

Ok, so that's what I have for now. I wasn't going to share them with the World Wide Web, but It's 2:40AM on Monday morning...and I can't sleep...go figure.

East to West

2008-04-24T20:34:00.000-07:00

"You know just how far the East is from the West, from one scarred hand to the other"

Casting Crowns gets me through all of life's problems. Their lyrics are just absolutely amazing.

There isn't much going on in my life right now. Just getting ready for finals and moving back home. I really really hope I do well on my finals. Tomorrow I need to go buy some note cards so I can make flash cards for my different tests. I'm planning on driving to my grandparent's house in Louisiana to study next weekend, so I won't be distracted by all the "distractions" here. I planned out my classes for next semester. Get to register tomorrow morning, 7AM. I'll be up registering...then going back to sleep. I'm going to have to have one class on Friday. :( Blah. Oh well. I'll be fine. Can't always have the perfect schedule. trying for 15 hours this time. English, History, 2 Communications, and a Theatre. :) Communication is making me have the MWF class. Intro to Radio/TV...I'll be fine.

Speaking of that...I've decided for the time that I want to be a news anchor. That's right. The next Katie Couric right here. :)))

My cat Annie is missing right now. It's only been one day, so we shouldn't worry. But I worry. I worry every day about my babies. And I can't be there to look for her. I hope she shows up. Pray for her, please. She's so much like her mother, who went missing a couple years ago. Gosh I miss my cats so much. I CAN'T WAIT FOR SUMMER!!!!!

Not much to blog about. Other than I hate being a girl. Boys have it so much easier in every single way. I dare you to name one way that the girl has it better...that's what I thought. In no way.

"It's crowded in worship today as she slips in, trying to fade into the faces. The girls teasing laughter is carrying farther than they know. Farther than they know. But if we are the body why aren't his arms reaching, why aren't his hands healing, why aren't his words teaching? And if we are the body why aren't his feet going, why is his love not showing them there is a way? There is a way."

Playing solitaire till dawn...

2008-04-15T01:05:00.000-07:00

...With a deck of 52.

So, that's not how the song goes, but I have all the cards in my deck. Hopefully, since it's online. They better not be cheating me! Even though that would explain a lot of losing.

I was sitting here at 3:05AM on Tuesday morning and I realized that I hadn't blogged yet about Monday. Today was a pretty good day. Went to the lake, got a little red, went to class, learned easy cheesy stuff, went to lufkin, ate yummy food, planned out an entire road trip, and changed my myspace profile.

Yup. I'm amazing.

Thing is I want to take a shower, but when I was leaving my room in my towel I looked down the hallway and saw a police office standing there. I don't know what was going on (I'll look into it tomorrow), but I got scared and decided to put my shower off until the AM.

And I guess I'm going to get back to solitaire for now.

Night!

The moment after.

2008-04-13T12:41:00.000-07:00

You know that point in your life when you think everything is perfect? It seems that nothing could go wrong? Well, I don't want to talk about that point, I want to talk about the next second right after that fabulous moment. The point when all the worries start flooding in, the point when you keep telling yourself that things are too good to be true, that this couldn't be happening to you. That has to be the most depressing part of any moment. That moment right after. Like you go to the store and buy the cute pair of kitten heels that will go perfectly with the outfit you got for your birthday and right when you walk out the door you think that that $60 could have gone to something else, like the church or starving kids in Africa. It's a horrible time in anyone's life, thinking that what you've done isn't right or thinking that it's all going to end sometime; probably soon.

I had a great weekend. But nothing's perfect. It all has to end. You have to slide down from cloud 9 some time, holding onto it with every bit of your strength.

I've been thinking about the people I look up to lately, searching for any help in what I want to do with my life. For starters, I look up to my mom. She's a wonderful lady, loves every one that she knows unconditionally and rarely ever falters when making a decision. I respect her with everything that I have, I'm just not quite the same as her. Not as strong and level headed. On the other hand I look up to my dad. He's always there for me whether it be to haul my car four hours back home or to let me cry on his shoulder when the latest boy has done me wrong. But I can't handle things the way he does, we may be more similar than my mom and me, but he is also much stronger than I am. I suppose all that may come with time, but just a little of it now would be nice. Then I have my fictional characters that I look up to. The ones that I want to play in a movie. The ones that I wish I could be just like. Scarlet O'Hara. I find myself more and more like her every day. She's conceited. She's over dramatic. She's beautiful. She's stubborn. I'm all those things. But if she were in any of my tough situations she wouldn't handle them the way I do. Even though I see so much of me in her character, she still is more of a feminist than I will ever be. My newly found role model is Carrie from Sex and the City. Like her, I have a Mr. Big. (I'm pretty sure I've gotten over my Big, but there comes times when I'm not so sure.) I also like to keep a journal on the computer, I use blogger though. She's been in and out of relationships. She also has a job that I've always admired. I think that I want to be something like her when I grow up.

I think.

I just don't know anymore. I just don't. I don't know how to confront people when I need to talk the them about things. I don't know how to make decisions. I'm too scared about what people will say, what will happen, what won't happen.

I thought I was getting better at this thing called life, but I actually think that I'm hitting that moment after.

Peace, Love, & DDPs

2008-04-12T00:32:00.000-07:00

So I thought I had a very productive day. I woke up...after one and took a shower and got dressed and pretty-fied. Then cleaned my room. Then took random, goofy pictures (which can be seen on my myspace and facebook). Then I watched a movie and cut out random words and pictures from magazines. I did this all while waiting for my wonderful friends to get here from Van Vleck to spend the weekend with me! Jeryca and Kevin got here about seven. I didn't even know that they were in town and they walked into my door, it was great. :) We walked over to the Student Center to see if anything was open, which it wasn't, and then decided that we should go to chilis and get Kev's discount. Ate and I decided I should pay since I was treating them to a night in Nac. :) We started to get worried about Justin since he was supposed to be here around 8 and it was nearing 9, so we texted him. Turns out he made a detour in Houston to go to Guitar Center, but didn't tell anyone so we, ok maybe just me, had crazy visions of what could have happened to him in our heads. He made it here around 10 then we just hung out in my room. Jenna and Sarah and Jared all came by at random times to meet my friends and chill, then the four of us started and movie and they dropped like flies leaving me up and alone and not at all tired. I guess that's probably because they all got up in the AM and eventually made a three hour trip and I didn't. I guess that's one of the bad things about sleeping in late...you stay up way too late. AND Jeryca is now in the middle of my bed, so I'm not exactly sure where I'm supposed to sleep if I even tried to lay down. Oh well. I suppose I could just stay up all night. Why not? I've done it before. :)

No, I'll probably crash here in a little bit, I just decided that I needed to blog. Because I've already won a game of solitaire, sent a few people bumper stickers on facebook, checked myspace and facebook and found that no one else was online, walked down to the bathroom and ran into my big, went to my big's room and talked to her, turned off my tv because the movie finished that I didn't watch a single bit of. Yay!

See, productive day. I'm very proud of myself, and you should be too. You=the people who read my blog=Alex and my Dad. :)

So, that was a little shout out to Alex and my Dad.

Which I guess that really doesn't matter considering that they are the only people that read my blog.

I hope I made that clear.

Ok. Good.

Gonna find something else to cure my boredom now.

Peace, Love, & DDPs!

I'm not what you've been dreamin of

2008-04-08T20:26:00.000-07:00

I get in a "debbie downer" mood too quickly. The second something makes me sad I feel like the world is ending. It's not fun. I wish I wasn't like this. But I'm not sure how to keep it from happening. Once one thing goes wrong I start thinking about everything that has or can go wrong and then it all goes downhill from there.

I'm bored. I'm ALWAYS bored in Nac. Sure, we have little spurts of excitement, but then it's right back to boringville once again. I don't know if it's because I don't have enough friends or if it's because there's really not much to do or what. I mean I know I get bored at home too, but at least my friends will come and be bored with me. If we get bored here, my friends leave. I guess they think it's better to be bored alone than together. At home we like to be together even if we're bored. Maybe that's because we've known each other long enough that we can just be bored together and still think we had an eventful day. NOT here. If we do nothing together it was a waste of a day. And we'll express it too. I personally like "do-nothing" days. They're good once in a while. No, not all the time. But, they help cleanse the soul. Not sure where I'm heading with this. I guess I'm just homesick again. It happens when I don't go home every weekend. Maybe I need a pet. But you see, this stupid dorm will only let us have a bird or a fish, the two most "un-connectable" pets that you can have. I've had both, so I should know. If I had one of my cats here with me I would feel much better and at home. That would make this cold (and by cold I don't mean in temperature, I mean in looks) place seem more "home-y". I would also probably be much happier all the time. Nothing makes me happier than when one of my kitties crawls up into my lap when I'm having a bad day.

Wanna know a fun fact? I've been to 6 proms...going to be 7 after this year. 7. SEVEN PROMS!!! I mean, I love to get dressed up and look like the princess I am, but sheesh, proms are so freaking boring. I've never had fun at a prom. After and before, sometimes...but during. No. B-O-R-I-N-G! Oh well, at least this time I don't have to pay for a new dress and hopefully Chase will think it's boring and we'll leave not long after it starts. I don't dance in big dresses I suppose. Idk. Maybe I'm just in a complaining mood.

BORED!!!!!

Maybe I'll fall off Allison's bed again...

i love jalapenos...

2008-04-08T11:50:00.000-07:00

...but somebody should have told me not to eat so many for breakfast. I feel terrible all day afterwards.

So, some of my friends from VV are coming up to see me this weekend and I'm pretty excited about that. I had a rough weekend, so it will totally lift my spirits!

I don't have much to blog about, I only do it because my dad gets onto me if I don't.

So...maybe I'll have something to talk about later tonight!!!

Ashton Kutcher can have my babies any day.

2008-04-06T19:11:00.000-07:00

My lovely roommate has two seasons of That 70s Show and I'm loving it. I've probably seen most of the episodes already, but it's probably one of the funniest shows ever. Ever. Basically.

So, we rearranged our room. We put Allison's bed on top of mine and pushed the dressers to the other side of the room. We cleaned it all. All we need to do is sweep...but that means we have to go downstairs and borrow a broom. That takes a little more effort than we are willing to put out. But it's amazing. Our room is totally amazing. Amazing. Basically.

You know what I'm tired of? Tired of myspace surveys. Yes I know I do them allllll the time, but that's because I like answering questions about myself. I am getting annoyed with the questions, they are the same thing over and over and over again. Let me answer a few of them right now.

My name is Jordan. I'm 18. I have three cats, two dogs, two turtles, and seven fish (last time I checked). I love my cats. That's my favorite kind of animal. My best friend is Jeryca. We've done a few illegal things together (that question always gets asked for some reason). My favorite movie is Gone With the Wind and I don't have a favorite TV show, I like way to many to pick just one. I love country music, and pink is my favorite color. I get along with my parents very well. Yes, I'm missing someone. I always miss people. (Why is that question always asked? If someone really misses someone why would they want to remember it?) I'm in college already, Stephen F. Austin if you didn't already know. Yes I have a sibling, a brother, 11, Trevor, and I've never ever ever had a crush on one of his friends. Gross. No, I am not wearing socks. (Seriously? Who thought of putting that question on a survey for the first time? Socks. Really?) I think that's enough. I think you get the point. Oh wait, no...I DON'T have a significant other and I haven't seen them naked (obviously, since I don't have one) and I don't love them (obviously, since I don't have one) and I don't think we'll be together forever (obviously, since I don't have one) and don't know their name or age or anything else...(OBVIOUSLY, SINCE I DON'T HAVE ONE!!!!!).

OK?

Now that I've gotten that across I'm telling everyone that if I'm taking a survey and it says one thing about my significant other I'm stopping it right then and not taking it. It pisses me off.

Seriously, just go ahead and make the single girl want to jump off a building. Thanks.

Now, back to That 70s Show.

If we are the body

2008-04-03T21:29:00.001-07:00

So today was a great day.
Woke up really late, which if you know me, is always a great thing, and a very common thing.
Then I got ready and attended Poly Sci. I'm usually not too happy to attend this class, but today we were only watching a movie. And not just any movie. Thank You For Smoking. A very good movie about an amazing lobbyist for a tabacco company. Great movie. I own it actually and have never watched it. I will be watching it again when I get home next.
Then the rest of the day was a blur only because Stevie and I couldn't wait for the Casting Crowns concert.
OMG.
Amazing.
It was a great night of praise and worship through the wonderful voices of the members of Casting Crowns. I can truly say that I was moved tonight in a way that I haven't been moved through the Lord before. I've heard all of their songs, but live and in person was more amazing than I can express in words. I can relate to so many of their songs that when Mark was singing on stage I felt tears swell up in my eyes, knowing the pain that so many people have felt.
A truly remarkable experience.
If you've never been to a Christian concert let me let you in on a little thing they all do. They all support WorldVision. WorldVision is a great organization that provides orphans with money and water and an education. When my family and I attended the Mark Schultz and Big Daddy Weave concert last year we adopted a little girl named Tiara. This time around when I told my mom that they had the WorldVision people there again she made it loud and clear that I was NOT TO ADOPT ANOTHER LITTLE KID. It is so hard not to take all their little pictures home and send them all money. If you feel that you should help some of these kids in Africa or India or other 3rd world countries please go to WorldVision.com and sponsor a child. You really can make a difference in their life.

Anyway, so it was a wonderful night! Now I'm in the student center with Stevie, Marie, and Jared just chilling at the computers. It's a place we can all get together and all be on a computer. Since FaceBook is what keeps us together anyway...even when we're sitting right next to each other.

i'm gonna go to sleep...promise

2008-04-02T00:06:00.000-07:00

But first I have to blog. I haven't done it in a while.

So today was April Fool's day. Usually Trevor's favorite holiday. I wasn't home for him to get me, so my day was not as great as it usually is. But Kevin and Jeryca both did try to get me, over text and phone call. Kevin told me that there was a rumor about me being pregnant. That one I believed because people are stupid and would start a rumor like that about me. Luckily it was a lie...and I'm not pregnant. Jeryca tried to say that she and a couple of my other friends got kicked out of the movie theatre. Ha. She thought she could get me. She couldn't. I didn't believe one bit of it. Hehe. I didn't get anyone though. I can't commit to an idea and run with it. Jeryca says it's because I'm lame. I'm not lame am I?

Anyway. I just got done with another great artsy project. This time I tackled mine and Allison's door with hot glue and hot guys. The result is fantastic. I'll post a pic on facebook tomorrow, promise. Or you can stop by my room to check it out. Amazing. Seriously.

My room is a complete wreck and I really need to clean it, but I keep finding other things to do. Like sit on facebook or blog.

Tomorrow is Wednesday. I don't really want Wednesday to be here. I really would rather it just skip to Thursday. Thursday=Casting Crowns Concert! I'm so super excited. Stevie and I are going to have a wonderful time loving God and singing.

I have half of my proposal and annotated bibliography for english due on Friday at noon and I still have no idea what kind of topic to write about. If you have any ideas please let me know. It can be about anything really. We just have to prove something that isn't a fact. I've thought about maybe something on weight issues or something on why the heck Diet Dr. Pepper is so addictive.

Speaking of Diet Dr. Pepper...The other day we (Mom, Dad, Trevor, and yours truly) were in WalMart getting some things. My list contained coffee, coffee filters, kleenex, AAA batteries and Diet Dr. Pepper, which I thought was not too much to ask for. My parents buy me everything on my list but when I go to get my DDPs my dad tells me that I don't need them, that I can drink water. Um...no. DDPs are my life. Ok, maybe not my life, but I need them to survive. So, since my parents are practically cutting me off of DDPs since they won't buy me any and they are the ones that have to give me money in order to buy them, I am only getting some when I go to the cafeteria. And the people in the cafeteria won't let me fill up a huge jug of it and bring it back to my room. I don't know why. Gosh. A girl just wants to live here.

*sigh*

My TR english class was cancelled all this week due to us having conferences with the professor instead. Mine is Friday, that's why my paper is due Friday. Also, in Com 101 today my professor informed us that our Thursday class has been cancelled and that everything is going to be moved back a day. That means that our Tuesday test has been moved until the 10th. Sometimes God loves me. :)

I had a great weekend. I went home on Thursday and went straight to play practice where my family was. Scared Mom because she didn't think that I was coming into town until Friday. Then we had Pizza and Wings at Pizza Hut/Wing Street (half the reason that I went home in the first place). Great day. Then on Friday I woke up pretty late (always a good thing), then cleaned a little bit of the house, picked my brother up from school, took him to meet my Uncle Brett so he could go camping, and then went with Jeryca to my first Astro's game of the year. Great Day. Then on Saturday I attended the District 27AA One Act Play competition. Only as an audience member. Part of the day I found this sorta sad, I really do miss acting. But, my old alma mater advanced without me. I'm not going to lie, I thought this year that they weren't going to have too much going for them, but they really are a talented bunch of actors. They were by far the greatest play there. Earning 4 superlatives along with their advancement onto the Area One Act competition in Industrial this Saturday. After the competition I went back home where, after their movie in Lake Jackson, Rene', Kevin, and Justin met me. We watched Sideways and had a great time, like always. Great day. On Sunday I woke up late and did pretty much nothing. Then that night we went to El Chico and I saw my buddies and ate great food. Great Day. So see, great weekend. :)

So, last summer I bought some lotion stuff that you're supposed to put on over night and it makes you tan. It actually worked and I've used it a few times before. Now I'm trying it again. I'll tell you tomorrow if I look darker. I hope so. I'm tired of being so white. Really. Sometimes it's embarrassing to be this white.

You know what I'm sick of? Zits. Pimples. Blemishes. Whatever else you may want to call them. I call them ugliness on my beautiful face! I've never had bad acne. Then I get here in college and BOOM! they decide to ruin my life. It's really not nice. Not nice at all. Argh.

Ok, well it's 2:25 AM so I should probably go to sleep since I have to be up so early tomorrow to make it to my shift at the Welcome Center by 1PM.

I don't go home too much...

2008-03-27T12:05:00.000-07:00

I know that many of yall think that I go home to much. And yall voice it very often. Well, I'm too nice to confront yall to yall's faces, so I'm going to just address it over a blog.

I'm sick and tired of everyone telling me I go home too much. Even if it was true, you don't have to tell me every single day.

Just stop.

I have a life at home and a life at college. I can't just drop my home life for everything in Nacogdoches. I can't. I'm proud of you if you can, but I don't have that capability. I have a life that I really care about back home. I love being around my family. We're a very close family. We watch all the same TV shows, we play cards together, and we're one of those families that sits down and eats a meal all at the same time. I don't like going without that.

I love my friends back home. I've known them my whole life. We're all really close. They are my backbone. I need them.

I have things that I still need to do there. I had to work the rodeo a few weeks back, I had to help my grandpa with his election. Those things that mean a whole lot more to me than this college. I would never let my friends and family back home down. Never. They are my life.

Now don't get me wrong. I love each and every one of yall up here in Nacogdoches, but you need to understand that I haven't even known yall a year and I've known all the people in Van Vleck for 18 years. It's a big difference.

I know you may think that I'll never be able to move on if I'm home every weekend. Well, I really don't plan on moving on. I plan on getting my degree ASAP and moving back down there. So, there really is no reason for me to even try to really move on.

Now for the people who tell me that I'm not going to find a man if I keep going back home, and that if I just stayed in Nac more I'd find someone. That's just (excuse my french) bullshit. God has a man in the works for me. I will find him when I find him, it doesn't have anything to do with where I am.

Let me set yall straight about something else while I'm on this soap box. I'm not a party girl. I don't like going out to wild parties. When I party and socialize I like to hang out with a few close friends and have a good time. I don't like to get drunk and wander home at a really late hour and then not remember what I did in the morning. Don't get mad when I don't want to go out. It's not me. I like to stay in my dorm and watch movies. I like to play board games. I like to just chill and not have to get all dressed up. That's me.

So, if you think I go home to much. Good. Talk about it amongst yourself, just don't tell me anymore. I will probably start going off on people. The truth is I probably do go home "too much", but that's who I am. I'm a home girl. That's why I came to a college that's close enough for me to go home. I would have gone to Brazosport but I just didn't. I thought I was ready to move on. I've learned differently. And now that I'm here I'm going to stick it out and not give up. And I'm going to do it my way, not the way you think I should.

Just to see you smile

2008-03-26T12:00:00.001-07:00

...I'd do anything that you wanted me to...

^My favorite Tim McGraw song...that I'm listening to now^

I had a horrible dream. Not going to write the whole thing, but it involved my family and a friend's parents and a guy with a gun shooting everyone but Trevor and me. It was crazy scary and I was really scared to walk down the hallway to the bathroom after I woke up.

Speaking up waking up...I slept from 3:30 PM to 1:30 AM...it was great. Allison said that I rolled over and said a few things to her, but I really don't remember them. Then I went back to sleep about 2:30 and woke back up for real at 10:45 when Allison got back from class. So, I'll probably be up for a very long time.

I'm tired of guys. I'm not looking for a relationship anymore. I'm just going to have a fun time in life and not worry about it. It takes up too much time in my life and just makes me sad. So, now it's time for HAPPY JORDAN...not caring about boys. YAY!

:) well...I'm off to my dorm to do math homework before math class at 3.

Starting to feel the repercussions...

2008-03-25T11:38:00.000-07:00

Pulling an all-nighter sounds so much fun, and mature, and like the cool thing to do right up until the next day when you are trying to handle three strenuous classes back to back. That is just about the point when you are ready to fall down right where you stand and hope to God that nobody steps on you.

If you didn't read my last blog, I have no been up since 10:30 AM yesterday. Yes, it seemed like a smart idea at the time, but now I am really not liking my decision.

In some ways it was good. I got my whole room cleaned. I got my laundry done. I finished my essay. I read a chapter in my mass communications book. I made a huge collage of all my new york pictures. I even rearranged a few pics on my wall.

So, I guess in the long run it was a good idea, because I usually never have time to do any of those things.

I guess putting off sleep for one night is just what I'm going to have to do every now and again.

But as of right now (sitting outside the classroom for my last class of the day) I feel like if I closed my eyes I wouldn't wake up until about noon tomorrow. Which is probably exactly what I'll do when I get back to my room about 3:20. I hope nobody has any plans for me this evening because I will NOT be budging. Not one inch. I will love and cherish my bed for a very long time.

Ok, now time for class.

Learning! Yay!

Not So Good At This All-Nighter Thing

2008-03-25T02:30:00.000-07:00

...I really want to go to sleep. I love sleep. So why did I decide to pull an all-nighter? I'm not sure. I guess because I wanted to clean my room, write my essay, read a chapter in my COM 101 book, and make a collage of all my New York pictures in one night. Maybe it's just because I'm an idiot. I'm not exactly sure. But here I am, 4:31 AM, done with my essay and cleaning my room. Now all I need to do is read and then waste some time until I have to leave for my 7AM meeting. I'm going to be really tired tomorrow, but I just figured I would push through it until 3 and then I could nap as long as I wanted to.

I'm really looking forward to Friday. Going to my first Astro's game of the year, and it's with my best friend. Jeryca's dad won tickets at work and asked Jeryca if she wanted them and of course my best friend is very thoughtful and loves me to death, so she got them for me. :) It's going to be great. Section 133, Row 4, Seats 5 and 6. It's going to be like the rodeo...only baseball instead of bull riding...and without the awesome Rascal Flatts part. But Brad will be there, so it will be great. Go to my Myspace or Facebook next week for awesome pics of that day.

Saturday is the One Act Play competition. I don't know how I feel about it. I know I will probably cry because I miss acting so much, but I'm just going to have to suck it up. I'm really looking forward to actually getting to sit and watch all the plays though. Plus I get to see all my friends from the other schools.

It's going to be a great weekend. :)

But I still have to get through this week.

Tuesday: Classes, sleep, homework, more sleep.

Wednesday: Work in Welcome Center, class, Bible study, sleep.

Thursday: Classes, sleep.

Friday: Drive home...

Then you know the rest.

Guess I should stop blogging and start reading.

Maybe I can pull my hair up

2008-03-18T23:08:00.000-07:00

So I had a great night. We went to the tattoo place with Alex so she could get her first tattoo and it was taking a super long time. So we went to Raising Canes and got chicken, which is always great. There were four of us packed into my three seater truck (Jeryca, Allison, Maire, and Me) while we were driving and when we had to stop at a red light there was a cop in the parking lot next to us. We all freak out because we just knew that we were going to get in trouble for having too many people in my truck. I told everyone not to make any sudden movements because I figured that if the cop wasn't already watching, he wouldn't notice anything. Well Allison told Marie to just lay in my lap and Marie says, "Maybe I can just pull my hair up". She meant that she would look like a guy giving me a blow-j...but that made no sense. So, it made us all giggle for a very long time. We were all pretty sure that we were going to pee our pants. Luckily we didn't.

Then we went to Jenna's, watched friends, and had a blast.

Now we're home and going to sleep.

Love my life.

The Songs of My Life

2008-03-17T00:08:00.000-07:00

The Favorite:

Free Fallin'-Tom Petty

"Gonna free fall out into nothing, gonna leave this world for a while"

Life Now:

I'm Movin' On-Rascal Flatts

"At last I can see, life has been patiently waiting for me"

Dancing Song:

Tambourine- Eve

"Pop dem bottles and drink that up"

My Daddy Songs:

Ready, Set, Don't Go-Billy Ray and Miley Ray Cyrus

"She's got dreams too big for this town and she needs to give em a shot"

My Little Girl-Tim McGraw

"You're beautiful baby from the outside in"

Butterfly Kisses-Bob Carlisle

"There's two things in life I know for sure, she was sent here from heaven and she's daddy's little girl"

Cinderella-Steven Curtis Chapman

"There's a ball at the castle and I've been invited and I need to practice my dancing"

My Mommy Songs:

Somebody's Hero-Jamie O'Neal

"Given all her life to her was her life's ambition"

Don't Forget to Remember Me-Carrie Underwood

"18 years have come and gone, for momma they flew by, but for me they drug on and on"

Wind Beneath My Wings-Bette Midler

"Did you ever know that you're my hero, and everything I'd like to be"

Brother and Sister Song:

Me and My Gang-Rascal Flatts

"It's a brother and a sister kinda thing, raise up your hands if you all wanna hang with me and my gang"

When I just want to cry:

Tonight I Wanna Cry-Keith Urban

"Alone in the house again tonight"

Helped me through a lot:

Pieces-Rascal Flatts

"To some degree I still regret my memory for keeping you around"

Heartbreak:

It Would Be You-Gary Allan

"It's hard describing a heartache, oh cuz it's a one of a kind thing"

Best Lyrics Ever:

Hotel California-The Eagles

"You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave"

Rap Song Must Have:

Watch My Shoes-3 Deep

"Do what cha do, just watch my shoes"

Songs to sing:

Son Of A Preacher Man-Dusty Springfield

"Being good isn't always easy, no matter how hard I try"

Respect-Aretha Franklin

"What you want, baby I got it"

Upgrade U-Beyonce'

"I can do for you what Martin did for the people, ran by the men but the women keep the tempo"

Best Two Stepping Song:

Neon Moon-Brooks and Dunn

"If you lose your one and only there's always room here for the lonely"

Can always take me back:

Everybody-Backstreet Boys

"Oh my God we're back again"

From The Bottom Of My Broken Heart-Britney Spears

"You were my real love, I never knew love till there was you"

Spice Up Your Life-Spice Girls

"People of the world, Spice up your life"

When I want to remember him: (This one has a lot)

Don't Break My Heart Again-Pat Green

"You can let your heart go, but I will hunt ya down"

Brokenheartsville-Joe Nichols

"He wore that cowboy hat to cover up his horns"

Everclear-Roger Creager

"I took her home and rang the doorbell, left her layin in the yard"

What Hurts The Most-Rascal Flatts

"What hurts the most is being so close and having so much to say and watching you walk away"

Better Now-Rascal Flatts

"If I had one call to make I would dial yesterday and warn myself"

Where Were You-Clay Walker

"I used to wake up nights callin' out your name and cry myself back to sleep knowing I'd only dreamed"

Lot Or Leavin' Left To Do-Dierks Bentley

"These old boots still got a lotta ground they ain't covered yet"

Rodeo-Garth Brooks

"She'd give half of Texas just to change the way he feels"

Yesterday's Rain-Gary Allan

"Sometimes I think about the touch of your skin, the taste of your lips and it all comes rushing back again"

You Can't Make A Heart Love Somebody-George Strait

"You can't make a heart love somebody, you can tell it what to do, but it won't listen at all"

Something I Never Had-Lindsay Lohan

"Were they wasted words and did they mean a thing"

Others that I just love:

Autobiography-Ashlee Simpson

"You want my history, what others tell you won't be true"

Cyclone-Baby Bash

"She moves her body like a cyclone"

Copacabana-Barry Manilow

"Her name was Lola, she was a show girl with yellow feathers in her hair and her dress cut down to there"

More to come, but I just realized that it's 3 AM and I have to drive back to Nac in the morning!!!

Spring break so far...

2008-03-10T17:27:00.000-07:00

We went camping.
We=Me, Jeryca, Rene', Kevin, Dago, and Justin.
It was cold and I could barely breathe the whole time. I probably shouldn't have been outside in the cold in my condition, but it was a lot of fun.
Just did some camping things, ate camping food, and came back smelling like a camp fire.
Other than that I haven't done much this Spring Break.
But, tomorrow Jeryca and I are going to see RASCAL FLATTS at the Rodeo.It's going to be amazing. Completely great.
I can't wait.

Tonight is Pie Night. Dago and Justin wanted to make pies, so we are.

I love spring break.

I'm moving on

2008-03-10T17:18:00.000-07:00

Why do people insist on being so confusing? Just tell people like it is and move on with your life, it's so much easier.
If you hate me, say so.
If you love me, tell me.
If you want me to stop talking to you, come out with it already.
I'm not going to sit around trying to kiss your butt and make you happy. I have a life to live too.
I want to be happy just as much as you do. I want to be loved. I want to be wanted.
I may love you and want you to be my friend, but this needs to end. I'm afraid I'm going to lose you as a friend, but right now that's a risk I'm willing to take.

To lie or not to lie

2008-03-02T14:18:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been stuck in a situation where you know that telling the truth would be better, but a lie would just make it easier for the time being? Well I'm stuck in that very situation right now. I know that the truth should be told, and I know that the truth will be found out eventually no matter what, but no matter what I tell myself, lying just seems like the better idea. If I were tell the truth right now I would lose a friendship. I don't really want to lose this friendship because it means a lot to me, but people do change I suppose. I should just accept that we've changed and just can't see eye to eye right now, but it's just so difficult.

(If you need to know about the specific situation you probably already do, if you don't, just pretend this is hypothetical.)

I'm just so confused.

So, this weekend has been fun. The only downside was that I didn't get to see Jeryca. Big Bummer.

Thursday night I met my family and Kevin, Rene', Justin, and Dago at Pizza Hut/Wing Street and had a great chow down. Then we came back to my house and watched LOST. After LOST my friends and I decided it would be great to go outside and do fun "outside" things...at night. Mainly we just jumped on the trampoline and sat on the trampoline talking and singing. Basically a whole lot of fun. Then we came back inside and played Ghost in the Graveyard. If you've never played, everyone hides in the dark and one person, blindfolded, has to find people. My room is small to begin with, but mom's scrapbook stuff is now in the way, so it was a very interesting game, but still tons of fun. They ended up leaving pretty late, but it was all good.

Then Friday I was rudely awoken by Trevor asking if I'd moved his Palm Pilot into the bathroom. After telling him that I hadn't (and Rene' hadn't, and Kevin hadn't, and Dago hadn't, and Justin hadn't) he ran out of my room. Did I mention that that was at 6:15??? Yeah...so then I was about to go back to sleep when mom decided to come in and tell me that I needed to talk to her and Tif before they left for school. Talked to them for a while, then cozied up back into my bed for about an hour, then dad woke me up to see if I was going with mom to her OAP thing, when I told him that I wasn't, he let me sleep...but not for long. Justin was awake and ready to text, I received 4 by 9:30 and decided that there was no way that I was going to get anymore sleep so I rose from my unpeaceful slumber. I got ready for the day, showered, dressed, and such then laid on the couch and fell back to sleep until about 2 when I decided that I should maybe do more with my life. Not sure what I did with the rest of my time, but at about 6 Rene' came and picked me up to go to Justin's. Mainly we played spoons and Ghosts in the Graveyard again and left Justin's early because I had to wake up at 6:15 the next morning.

Saturday I worked the Fair with my mom from 7:15 to around noon and then came to my house, napped, and got ready to hang with my friends again. Rene', Justin, Dago, and I went to Chilis to see Kevin and eat dinner and then came back to my house where we played Catch Phrase and Loaded Questions and did other kick butt stuff like we always do.

This weekend has made me remember how much I love my friends and how much I really do miss them when I'm in Nac.

I'm so happy that I'm going to be home so much this month!!!

I just found out that I'm not going back to Nac until Tuesday night or Wednesday morning because my Papaw asked me to help him work the polls on Tuesday morning.

If you live in Brazoria County vote for Gene Reynolds!!!!

Rants and Raves of the day

2008-02-27T14:34:00.000-08:00

So, my alarm went off at 11 today and I rolled out of bed to my roommate walking in from her morning classes. I check my phone and had a text message from Justin: "Good Morning Jojo". How nice, wait...he sent it at 9:45, should I text him back? "Good Afternoon Justin"

"I take it you just got up"

"About 20 minutes ago"...I lie (I don't want to feel like too much of a bum)

"Spoiled"

"I know, I live the good life most days"

And this is true. I don't have class till 3 on Mondays and Wednesdays. I mean, who gets that kind of treatment? Only royalty. And that's me. :)

The bad thing was that when I went to take a shower this morning they were cleaning the shower room and they don't let you shower while you are cleaning. Meanie janitor people. So, I decided to put my shower off until tonight and went back to my room. While in my room I decided that it takes entirely too long for me to get ready in the morning. I just don't like doing it I suppose. Oh well. I guess you have to get up and get ready every day. I'm just going to have to put up with it.

I then decide I need Starbucks to get me through the day, so I check my bank account to see if I can spare a few dollars for my darling drink. I find to my dismay that my bank account looks like this: "$0.00"

Well crap. No Starbucks for me.

Want to know why my bank account looks like that? Because I spent $129 on gas this weekend alone. Gas. Freaking gas. I know...horrible.

So, I am now waiting for money. And unfortunately it doesn't fall from trees. (But if you happen to find a tree that it does fall from, inform me.)

I'm going home again this weekend. Mom needs me to work the county fair. And I suppose I can't turn down free cooking and laundry. She also wants me to attend their OAP clinic with them on Friday. Which is fine by me but it's in Industrial. I have too many memories at that place, but I guess I'll have to suck it up. I'm way past over him.

(A little boy just walked by, either he's really smart or lost. Oh wait, there's his mom.)

Anyway, I realized that I am going to be home four weekends in a row. That's crazy. That's probably not supposed to do that. Oh well. I like home. Home=love and complete happiness.

That's it. Going to eat din din with my homegirls!

Changed my blog

2008-02-27T14:14:00.001-08:00

I was highly peeved when I couldn't make my blog look as cool as Marie's. So I went and got a new one hoping that I could make it work.